How Long Would You Hold Out......Willpower

Its funny to think about, but oddly enough I've been placed in several situations lately that have made me realize the power and strength of willpower.

Most people think they have it in spades, until it's tested. Suddenly the fortitude to withstand and endure fades quickly and then *Poof* it's gone. Maybe it's about having a real cause to stand for, or the right mindset for the choice. but willpower takes a lot of commitment.

Silence would be a very difficult one for me.  I have a friend who practices Buddhism and goes on several retreats a year to center herself and renew her peace. The retreats require a commitment to silence. No talking for 30 days. No verbal communication. It sounds amazing in theory........for about 5 minutes. I would go crazy without the ability to chatter. I'm a chatterbox. When I was in grade school they nicknamed me motormouth morton because I wouldn't stop talking. It's true!  I enjoy the noise. I wake up to noise. I fall asleep to noise. I need noise. Silence takes me to a very dark and sad and scary place. I would have neither the inclination nor the willpower to withstand a silence retreat long enough to get my name tag and bed assignment. I talk to myself even when I'm alone, just so I'm not alone. 

My son proclaimed a food strike this week, in protest and to make a point of his dissatisfaction with a situation he was facing. It lasted 90 minutes! Food strikes are difficult too.  Especially for a hypoglycemic.  That hunger rage, is not a pleasant experience. Neither is the rumbling in the tummy, or the hunger headache, or the empty aching abdomen. People endure hunger strikes, for a myriad of reasons, but they take serious willpower and a determination and mind set with a very strong end goal. I did it once when I was 15 and at summer camp for a week. But ask me to do it today, at 46, and I would likely make it less than 24 hours.

There are a thousand different ways willpower can be applied, fiscally, emotionally, professionally, even medically, but they all take dedication and commitment. Purpose and the right mindset can go a long way to success.  For silence, I would last less than a turn of the minute hand on the clock, and a hunger strike just holds no reward worth enduring.

Lets have lunch and talk.

Patience is a Virtue.....Does Anybody Have Some Spare?

Patience is virtue, an art, a well honed skill and character trait that is nurtured and seeded from the earliest years of our lives. We are taught as children to be patient for the things we want. We are taught the importance of waiting for the appropriate time to speak and to be spoken to. We wait for time with our peers, our parents, our mentors. We learn through the years that patience is a core of balancing life every day. Patience is a virtue and with it we are better people. More tolerant. More forgiving. Kinder. More thoughtful. Patience drives focus and success. Patience means the gears of life move together like a well oiled machine. Love, health, business, money, all rely on patience.

Patience is NOT my strength.  It is in fact one of my biggest weaknesses. I have difficulty waiting patiently for anything. Rather it be a phone call, in line at the grocery store, for test results from my doctor, or for a child who is mere minutes late beyond a curfew.  Patience is my downfall.  In truth, it is my imagination and fear that is my downfall, and the time required of patience allows my imagination the freedom to run wild, like an unbridled stallion across the northern plains.

When I have nothing to worry or wait for, time flies by. The day passes and it feels like there aren't enough moments to complete my thoughts and tasks.

However,....When I have something which requires me to be patient, time comes to a halt.  Its as if the world begins to move in slow motion.  I can hear ever tick and tock of clock as the seconds slowly pass by.  They become like a drumbeat in my breastbone. I can hear my heart beat in my ears and feel every beat at the pulse points in my neck and wrists. My mind and imagination play out every possible scenario, both positive and negative and I cry at the sadness of the bad news, even though it isn't real.

Patience requires the ability to set aside doubt and fear. To free the spirit and soul of weight and worry. To respect the time of others and the the process in which everything must pass.

Patience is not my strong suit and this week is the worst. I wait, with all the patience I can muster, and my imagination wanders and the fear and anxiety builds, and I cant help myself. As honest and true as I am to the process, I know my weakness, and it stands in the way of where I want to be.

I am trying to be patient, but if you have a cup or two to spare please send it my way.

Go With the Flow...Letting it Roll

Sometimes in life, you just have to step back, let go, and say what the hell. Go for it.  Not everything in life is about order. Truth is a little chaos can be fun, so let it roll.

I've said it before, sometimes just observing my boys is enough to keep me young. Even better, on those rare occasions I have the opportunity to join in on the celebration, for those few hours....I find myself lighter and less burdened.

It can be as simple as listening to their infectious laughter or their limitless energy as they excitedly discuss the newest games and technology. It could be their raucous and slightly sometimes raunchy humor or sharing of a silly you-tube video treasure they have discovered.

It could be a discussion on their future dreams or shared memories. Whatever the ocassion, the energy is high and it fills the space around them with a static magnetic force that pulls you in.

Granted, if it comes from a place of moodiness, the playfulness can cross the line to obnoxious and rude, but it more often stays on the side of silly, endearing, and mesmerizing.

Case and point.  This weekend we celebrated my youngest sons 18th birthday. His girlfriend helped to put together a small gathering of his closest friends and included his brother and one of his brothers friends as well.  We made Carne Asada and she brought baked goods to feed an army.  It was amazing. No one went hungry.

I had a home filled with love and friendship and laughter and young adults ranging from 17-21 plus myself, Jeff, and my dear friend Glenda.  What happened next , no one, not even I could have predicted.

As I sat with my plate on my lap enjoying my carne asada tacos and conversation with Glenda, my living room space suddenly burst with energy and chaos. Furniture was moving, blankets and sheets were pulled from the linen cupboards, broomsticks became makeshift tent poles, pillows and couch cushions were on the floor and my living room became a fort complete with LED candles and his and her separate quarters. At first feelings of control and anxiety washied over me, and then......deep breath....in and out.......and it was o.k., the room could easily be put back when they were through and this was simply imagination taking it's course. I decided to go with the flow...let it roll.

Eventually the fort was dispensed with and trivia games ensued, but the laughter was constant throughout the afternoon and well into the evening. The energy of youth. Young adults willing to embrace the creative and playful side of who they are and for a few hours shed the expectations of what being an adult is with all its rules and burdens.

My sons and their friends continue to remind me, that living is about laughter, its about spontaneity and joy. I know all about the responsibilities and rules and things which must be done, but in the moments of in-between, it's valuable to remember to laugh, heartily, wholly, all the way through.

Whats Next............Growing Up.....Letting Go.....

18 Years ago today at 1:20 in the afternoon I gave birth to my youngest son.  Today he becomes an adult according to the calendar, and I have completed the first part of my job as his mom.

From the very start Wyatt gripped my heart, just as his brother before him, and he has had it ever since. Nothing has ever challenged me more, made me feel more complete, exasperated me, but inspired me at the same time. Motherhood is full of moments so high you feel like you will never touch the ground again and others sometimes so low they bring you to your knees.

You celebrate your child's triumphs and you feel their pain and suffering as if it were your own, and you realize undoubtedly what unconditional unlimited love truly is.

You understand your task, more deeply than any other, because it is personal and it is an oath between you and God in whatever form that may mean to you.  You take a vow to commit yourself to this life, to love, to nurture, to teach, to guide, to forgive, and to let go. It is the most difficult role of humanity, and you do with honor and pride and joy, because you know it is worth every second you will experience.

Today Wyatt turns 18, and for him that means something magnificent. To him it is freedom and independence. To me, it is the culmination of hard work and devotion.  I know better than he does, that his freedom and independence are not going to happen instantaneously. That they will come gradually in pieces and in time as he builds the stepping stones to them. He now has the rights, but not the functional tools  and funding. It will happen, but he will need to focus on one element at a time and work towards his goals. 

Both of my boys have learned well the lessons of right and wrong, moral and immoral, ethical and unethical, and they draw lines in the sand every day in the choices they make and the people they surround themselves with.  They make solid choices and I am very proud of who they are.  I have equipped them well with a solid foundation on which to build their masterful mansions. Now they will become the masons and build their homes brick by brick on the foundation they have been given.

I trust  and have great faith that they will both do well. Being a mom is more than bottles and diapers. It's not about the cuddles and coos, it's about loving your child through the quiet nights and the crazy ones, taking the adoration and the terrible tantrums. Its knowing that the teenage angst is not about you, its about growing up, and that's o.k.. It's about never giving up, and staying the course even when its tough.

The years fly by too fast. It seems just yesterday one minute and a lifetime ago the next.

Today my youngest turns 18 and I officially no longer have children in my home. Its a strange feeling, but maybe freedom goes both ways, if I can learn to embrace it.

Not Gonna Lie, Feeling a LIttle Anxiety.....

This week is a big week for me.  There is of course the typical annual due date for income taxes, but that doesn't bother me, I file electronically every January using Turbo Tax and by April 15th it's all a distant memory.

The week is important for me because my youngest son, Wyatt, has his birthday on the 17th.  This year is different because he turns 18, and my role as mom changes. He legally becomes an adult and the dynamic between he and I will evolve. I'm not anxious about it. I've been through it before with his older brother and it takes time to adjust, but its a good thing.  I am admittedly a little sad as an era and chapter in my life comes to a close. But a new one is just beginning and that's exciting. I can embrace this change, in time..... :) Not without its moments of tears, but I am confident that I did my job well and provided both of my sons with the solid core of morals and substance on which to build their futures.  Now it will be up to them to make those choices.  They know, undoubtedly that I will always be here, should they need me.....or at least I will try. And therein lies my anxiety..........................

I am grateful this week for Wyatt's chaotic and ever busy social life. Usually it drives me crazy, but this week, its keeping me occupied and that's good. He is keeping me occupied with prom, and track, tuxedo, cell phone, and other appointments and needs, and it's all a distraction that keeps me from obsessively worrying and focusing on the pain in my chest and the difficulty I have breathing when I exercise. The lightheadedness when I bend over to pick something up, the loss of equilibrium, the headaches which seem to be coming more frequently, and the overwhelming, at times debilitating fear I have regarding upcoming health diagnostic tests.

April 7th was my official 6 month post PE date. This is significant medically because its the marker in which they use to begin determining if the residual heart and lung damage is repairable or permanent. Assuming in the first 6 months that healing is occurring, anything post 6 months can then be gauged.

My first step is an Echo cardiogram this Friday a the Providence Heart Center.  The focus is on the right heart valve and the pulmonary vessels of the lungs. If I think too much, the anxiety cripples me and I lose all focus on daily activities and responsibilities.  Staying busy helps.  Wyatt is playing his role perfectly, without even realizing it. To him its just business as usual, a 17 year old, soon to be 18, who sees his life as priority and for today....for this week.......I can role with that. 

I will always be here for my boys....even when they are men......with families of their own.....for as long as I have the strength and power to do so.

Cough Drops..Snicker Doodles...It's Not What You Think...

I think I just peed myself. Yes.. you read that correctly.  Cough drops are no longer simply lozenges meant to soothe a sore throat, they are the signs of what happens to a woman after she has given birth and sadly even to those who haven't but are simply aging. We tinkle at the slightest squeeze of abdominal muscles. Laughter and giggles, even a snicker can mean dribbles.

We tinkle like fine china but not in a good way. And the truth is, no matter how hard we try, there is no keggle exercise in the world that can fix the muscles needed to retain full control of our body. We sneeze, we drip. We cough, we drop. We giggle, laugh, snort, snicker, or otherwise engage in frivolity, that's right... you guessed it... we piddle, doodle, puddle.

Life without pantyliner's or some other greater capacity absorbency product is a thing of the past. Menopause might be starting and our periods might be fading away into memory, but the pads,  they are just now becoming a mainstay design in our everyday dress code.

I personally refuse to walk around in wet britches with a urine cloud surrounding and announcing my arrival. So I'll take the pantyliner or sanitary napkin any day.  However, I am not ready to give in to the full on undergarment, if you know what I mean.  They are just dribbles after all, not full on loss of control, so I've accepted this with minor caveats.

The hardest part of this dilemma of life is sharing a single bathroom home with a seventeen year old.   My son enjoys his long showers or hot soaks in the tub after long days at the track, they sooth his muscles. It's understandable, except when mom has to pee.  Which, lets be honest.... is frequently. The 'just hold it' mantra we teach our kids when they are little, no longer works for me as a middle aged woman. I WISH I could "just hold it". He doesn't understand the need to hurry along and/or to allow me to interrupt his otherwise soothing ritual, simply to pee. It can make things complicated. There is a shower curtain and he can always wear his earphones with his music. But when I have to go, I have to go. It's not like I would ever poop, that would just be rude and weird. Unlike a man, I can't just find a bush and pee standing up unbeknownst to passersby.

I'm 46, going on 47 and I've sprung a leak. It comes and it goes, but its persistently more prominent than I would hope for. Keggles don't repair it. It seems to be one of those things they don't tell you about when your twenty because they know if you knew, you'd never give in.

Meditation....Clearing the Mind and Caring for the Soul

I was reminded this weekend by a dear friend of meditation and how little effort it takes but what a tremendous impact it can have on my overall well being. It's a simple thing to do, and truly can take as little as 10 minutes or as long as I have available to sit with my self, but those 10 minutes can mean the difference between life well lived and simple survival from one day to the next.

Meditation is one small way in which I can care for my soul and bring piece to my life. Balance and calm, when all that seems to lie ahead are unknown stormy seas. There are days my anxiety levels are so high it takes every ounce of effort I have to focus on the most simple tasks. I am so overwhelmed by the tightness in my chest and the shortness of my breath, that fear becomes crippling. I put on a brave smile, but inside I am trembling and my imagination is running wild with catastrophic visions of a dark future in which I lose the greatest battle of my life. Without meditation or some other resource, I become my worst enemy and my mind will fulfill its own prophecy through fear.

Meditation can help me to clear my mind of those dark thoughts, to visualize my lungs and my heart as clear and beautiful fully functioning organs, sustaining life. Meditation can help to cast off my daily weariness of work, or family struggles. Insecurities with myself or my relationships with those I love. Meditation, can help me to remember that I am just one person, with one life, breathing in and out, existing at this time and this place, fulfilling my purpose, and that life is a journey.

Meditation has no religious affiliation, it is spiritual in the sense that you are in touch with your inner being and the powers of the universe and mind that surrounds us all, but it doesn't require that a practitioner subscribe to a particular religious sect or doctrine to participate. Meditation is simply a practice of clearing the mind of all the daily muck, getting rid of the toxic garbage that weighs it down, and accepting that the journey is one step at a time. It's like a colonic for the brain without so much discomfort. :)

I am currently reading a book called Care of the Soul, and in its introduction it states unequivocally that:

"No one can tell you how to live your life.  No one know the secret of the heart sufficiently to tell others about them authoritatively"

It's a simple truth. But as much wisdom as we each gain throughout our lives, it's our wisdom. We can share it, surely. We can use it as a guidepost for others, of course. But our wisdom, is based on our personal journey, and therefore, applicable only to us.

Meditation,   even in ten minute intervals, can help me to center, to see myself in a better place, to free my soul of its anchors of pain and fear, and to move more lightly with hope and joy appreciating each moment for what it is.  A chance.

Smarmy, Heeby Jeeby, Willys, Creepy Guys

There are nice guys out there. Trust me, I've known a few. I'm raising two. Men who treat women right, with respect and appreciation. Men who are kind and have good hearts. Men who are strong but know how to be soft and gentle too.

They come in all packages. Young and old, tall and short, thin and more robust (no i didn't say fat...that's mean). Some are athletic and some are more relaxed (not lazy, just more leisurely). You have the health fanatics and the foodies, the models, and the behind the scenes geniuses, the techies, the socialites, the shy ones and the extroverts. All shapes and sizes. But a good guy, can be found by the size of his heart and the compassion in his soul. No one is perfect, but the good guy recognizes and acknowledges his flaws and he works hard to compensate for them. He isn't afraid to say he's sorry, and he's willing to forgive when you say your sorry too without the penalty of purgatory, no grudges necessary. He shows affection, and is fiercely loyal and protective.

But there are also too many creepy guys out there, and too many women who settle for them but deserve so much better. I understand the heart wants what the heart wants, and that the creep factor goes both ways. Great guys settle for creepy women too, but the odds always seems to be so much heavier weighted the other direction. Men who think they are gods gift to the universe and that every woman should lust for them are everywhere and at all ages. You would think they would eventually mature and learn, but once a slime ball, always a slime-ball I guess.  They openly flirt and court the idea of one foot out the door and laying the ground work even in front of the women they presently profess to care for, and commit to. These smarmy, I'm too sexy for my shirt guys, frequently know little about the real meaning of commitment and instead use relationships and sex as power plays to manipulate the women in their lives into giving them what they want. They control everything from friendships, to money, to family, to personal hygiene and weight.  Most of the women who find themselves suddenly stuck in this relationship, are smart and independent women, who simply don't know how to break out, often times until they have been broken down, and realize enough is enough.

Heeby Jeeby men, make cheesy come on lines, and make the majority of women want to go home and scrub clean. They are inappropriate and often rude, and if rebuffed usually turn defensive and aggressive. A good course scrub in a scalding hot shower never seems enough to get the oil of this sleaze out of your head. Then there is the guy who stares too long at your breast, or brushes up against you "accidentally" in line. You know the guy who gives you the willys and makes your skin crawl, greasy hair, dark eyes, slumps a bit, walks with his head down, never quite looks people in the eyes.  You go away feeling violated and spend the next few weeks watching your back and avoiding dark corners. A little pepper spray or a personal stun gun might be a good investment.

But the worst Creep isn't the stranger on your bus, or in the line at the concession stand, its the one sharing your bed who treats you like a second rate citizen. Who belittles you, and demeans you, and acts as if your thoughts and feelings are of little consequence in comparison to his. The biggest jerk is the one who tells you he loves you then treats you like a slave. Or never tells you he loves you at all but keeps you on an invisible leash like a pet.

I've been there, done that, I'm all about partnerships now. Mutual respect and appreciation, everyone brings a value and something special to the table. It all equals out and I never feel taken for granted or abused, emotionally or otherwise. Relationships mature as we grow older, or at least they are supposed to.

Remember when the bad outweighs the good its time to say goodbye and move forward. Its never too late to reclaim who you are, and find your strength, your courage, your beauty and your independence as a woman.  If a man loves you, he will accept them all and love you because of them. Never compromise your emotional, mental, or physical well being for a man.  If he infers you cant survive without him, walk away and prove him wrong.

New Age Parenting....Different Isn't Always Better...It's just Different

Parenting is tough.  It is full of trial and error and no matter what they say, no book, no "expert", no one has all the answers. Every child is unique and every parent child dynamic is it;s own. Let me just start by iterating, Strongly, that I don't  discount the idea of new methods and information. There are some really great things happening with today's parents that didn't occur when I was raising my sons.

Right now it is all the rage to teach your infant sign language before they can even speak.  Brilliant. It provides a way of communication before their pallets are able to accommodate the full range of sounds and speech patterns necessary to express their needs. I love this idea.

Here is where I differ.....parenting is tough, it's true, but part of parenting means guidance and discipline, setting boundaries. And those start early, almost from day one. Its o.k. to use the word NO with a our children. It won't hurt them or their psyche. It teaches boundaries. Will they eventually say it back to us. Absolutely. I'd  be concerned if they didn't. Its part of learning and growing and testing their own limits and exerting their independence as they grow. But as a parent you maintain control and reinforce the parent child dynamic.

Children can be raised with firm limits and rules that don't include violence and emotional abuse. You can teach a child boundaries and good behavior through consistent reinforcement and a system of consequences for behavior both positive and negative.

Children who are never told NO grow up feeling entitled. They have no respect for limitations and rules in society or for the feeling of those around them. They say what they want when they want, devil may care. Parenting is tough, sometimes it risks the anger of our children directed at us, sometimes they are not going to like us, or think we are cool, but when we are finished with our job, and they are ready for the world, they will know.....We loved them. That we did the best we could and that we prepared them for the real world.  They will thank us for being tough and courageous enough to say NO.

Parenting is never easy, it wasn't meant to be. It  takes blood sweat and tears. Lots and lots of tears. But it takes love and patience too. And in the end it is the greatest reward we have. 

Parents today seem to always be looking for different ways of doing things that have been done well for centuries. With every generation there is a new idea for something different to be done, but different isn't always better....sometimes different is just that....different.