Water Ballon - Waiting to Pop

Yep...That's my bladder. As I sit writing this I need to pee. Truth be told I've need to pee for about an hour now, but I've been occupied and holding it. Now its at a critical stage, and its not good.  If I stand up to walk to the bathroom which is at least the length of a football field away from my desk, the water balloon may burst or at least spring a leak, but if I don't get up and go in the next 5 minutes, it will undoubtedly spring a leak without any movement or pressures of gravity whatsoever.

Here goes.......Ahhh

I made it. The balloon held, no leaks sprung.  I scampered with teeny tiny tiny strides quick like a bunny and made it. It was an Austin Powers moment (for those who understand that reference  - kudos).

Here is the problem, as children, we face the dilemma of wetting our britches from birth. It becomes a stigma around age 4 and we learn to hold it and build our endurance.  Either that or hide it until we grow out of it.

But somewhere, somehow as we get older things change again.  I can usually hold it really well for a long time. Unless............I cough, sneeze, or laugh. then like a leaky faucet....so does the bladder go.

I drink a lot of water because its good for me, but then I have to pee that much more. Sometimes I don't drink my water when I'm at work, just so I wont have to go pee.  Have I mentioned how much I hate public pottys. I can drink and pee all I want at home, I feel safe and secure there. But public bathrooms just seem......well just so......public.  Honey Buckets are retchtastic (yes that is a word in my vocabulary) and those bathrooms they have in campground that are just gigantic hols into the abyss, ummmm no thanks. I would have loved to live in the old world renaissance days for all their clothes and style, but the plumbing and piss pots would have done me in. 

Time Bending

I woke up this morning and realized I am magical. I must be a wizard or a fairy, or some other wonderful creature.  Its true, because I can do amazing things with just the power of my mind.

I age, but I never feel older. Its like I've found the eternal fountain of youth. Old people are still old to me, I'm not catching up.  I'm NOT! No Really......I'm NOT!  Young people, well...its not that I can't relate....it's just that they are getting younger than they used to be when I was their age. It's like they drank from the fountain too and even though they are 20 something they really aren't......you see?  It all makes perfect sense in my mind. 

When I sleep at night, I go places and I am active and energetic and full of fit and vigor. I get all my exercise in between the hours of midnight and 5:30 a.m........no, no, no,  get your mind out of the gutter....not THAT kind of exercise. I go hiking, and climbing, biking, and running, I am 30 and fabulous always. It's refreshing...but it also explains why I wake up so tired.  I need a nap from all that exercise.

When I sleep, I become the ideal me, but the truth is, even when I'm awake she's still here.  I may not have the energy of dream scape Lisa, but I have the heart and soul. I love my life.  I embrace my friends all generations, and yes these days they span the gamut. I love the quirky and the simple. I am fortunate in so many ways to have people who surround me with love and kindness and always, always, hope and good cheer. We all have good days and we all have tough ones, but I see them all as a gift and each is full of magic fairy dust waiting to show me the wonders of tomorrow.

To appreciate the true majestic of a mountain you have to have a valley to look back on, to see where you have come from. The highs and lows are both beautiful in their own way and each are a part of the journey.

Cast and Release....It's time to Trust

I am realizing more and more every day, as I watch my boys lives take shape and the lives of their friends who I have watched grow up with them, that my role as mom has truly changed.  Its no longer coming or somewhere off in the distance, its here and now.  Its happening with every breath I take and every tick of second hand on the clock.

Being Mom has been the greatest challenge and the greatest gift of my life.  It is the accomplishment I am most proud of.  There are no rules or guidelines, no templates, or standard operating procedures for being a parent. We each have our own ideas, our own paths, and though we share our successes and failures with each other, no two children are alike and and each experience is unique.

I have been mom (and for the last ten years dad) on a daily basis for 22 years. It is ingrained into to core of my being at this point. Even as they set out on their paths, creating their own lives and families, I will remain mom as long as I exist.

My sons make me laugh with all their boy humor. They exasperate me at times, again with all their boy humor, but also with their independence and strong will. They have challenged me with their intelligence and need to be heard. But they have loved me, and supported me, and made me proud. They have the courage to stand for what they believe in and to make the tough decisions that set them apart from the crowd when necessary.  They follow their hearts, but they also follow their instincts and their ethics.  They know right from wrong and they embrace it.  They reach for the stars and the moon and the whole damn universe, and they push themselves to the utmost. They have their lazy moments, but they have those times when energy and determination is limitless.

Being a parent is never easy, its blood, sweat, and tears ....lots and lots of tears.  Sleepless nights, miles of taxi driving, compromise, and endless love, and worth every nano second.  And they each go by so quickly that once gone, it feels as if it was merely a blink.

I have made many mistakes in my life, learned many lessons, started and stopped and restarted again, but the one thing I know I got right, was being a mom. No doubt about it. 

Folklore - Fairytale - Fables

This week was the end of another semester in college for my oldest son.  His writing class required an essay in which he either had to write and analytical about a specific form of folklore, or a creative rewrite of a popular folklore with a modern day twist.  He chose the analytical because the paper was shorter.

His topic was was Religious Folklore, and it admittedly sparked a great deal of thought.  It was provoking and controversial but well argued.  Let me just say up front for those staunch and dedicated believers, that it was only meant to provoke discussion and inspire active thinking.

What I did discover through the process was that folklore is in most every lesson we learned as children and that we in turn taught our children and they will teach theirs.  Unless the lessons learned are based of factual experiences, most are anecdotal. They are symbolic or mythological in measure and they carry an underlying message. Be kind and you will receive kindness in return.  Love thy neighbor as thy self. Patience is a virtue. To err is human, to forgive divine. There are biblical lessons are about enduring through trials and tribulations, and resisting temptation. More obvious fables tell us that slow and steady wins the race, be careful who you trust, the grass in not always greener, be careful what you wish for.

Folklore, fable, and fairytale, are all made up stories. They may have been inspired by something real, but the fact were blurred and stretched made fantastic or terrifying to convey the message better and deliver the lesson with maximum impact.  Then...over the centuries, through telling and retelling, translations, and re-translations, even more twists and changes occurred until the stories we know today rarely if ever resemble the true manuscript and meaning.

I enjoy reading. I enjoy the escape of being transported to another place and time. I enjoy garnering lessons and wisdom from some of the text I read, while others are pure entertainment.  But I do recognize that many of the stories we were raised on, both biblical and literary, are simply that stories. Did a man who was 500 years old REALLY build a giant wooden boat in a time before tools and and then gather two of every single creature on the planet inside while it rained torrential downpours for 40 days and nights until the world was nothing but water.  Was his family then responsible for the entire re-population of the world after the rains receded?   Did the world really get made in 7 days and were Adam and Eve and their two sons really responsible for the entire population the the planet until the flood of Noah destroyed and killed everyone? Was everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah really so wicked that they turned to salt?  Did moses really part the red sea with his staff as he people walked through with walls of the sea on either side of them. Did he talk to a burning bush? These stories are more likely metaphorical for the lessons they are meant to convey. Made fantastic to keep the attention of the masses. Lazarus, Samson & Delilah, The Fish and Loaves of Bread, The Wedding Feast Water into Wine, Jonah and the Whale, David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion's Den.  Jacob's Ladder, The March of Jericho.  Wonderful stories.

Folklore, Fables, and Fairytale's, like Cinderella and Snow White, each story has a meaning, some more prophetic than others, but they are stories written by men.

It was an analytical essay, well thought out and thought provoking, and it helped to point out that religion requires a great deal of faith, because the logical mind will find clear flaws in the feasibility of the tale.  Religion, regardless of your doctrination, requires blind faith and trust, an ability to see beyond the veil of realities limitations. Its all about Miracles.

Signposts in the Pebbles - Searching for Agates

The state of Oregon has a Beach called Agate beach on which the shore is covered with stones instead of sand. Not all of the stones are true Agates, you have to search for the treasure, but the beach is stunning none the less and unique to stand on.  The sound of the waves as they roll in over the stones is melodic at times while gentle, and rises to a thunderous roar during a storm surge like a thousand thousand hooves approaching across a cobblestone drawbridge.

I mention the Agates because friends are like those agates, gemstones hidden amongst the masses, each beautiful, but that special and unique one, takes time and care to find and once you do, you treasure it.

I was told yesterday by someone that I was "dead" to them. Without cause or provocation, this individual saw fit to accuse me of withholding items belonging to my father, left when he passed away 19 years ago, of which I was never in possession of. When I tried kindly to explain that I did not have the items, the anger surged and like the stormy sea, the thunderous hatred spewed. I attempted to show compassion for whatever troubles were causing the distress elsewhere in this persons life to trigger such an extreme and illogical reaction, but my attempts only fueled the fire.
In the end, I remained "dead", one amongst many I was informed, and I simply wished the individual peace and happiness.

As I thought about it throughout my day I realized that this too was just another signpost in the pebbles, reminding me of the path I walk and why. I have chosen my path carefully with much consideration and my heart is filled with family each one carefully hand picked. My family are precious Agate stones, some are blood of my blood, like my sons and a handful of others, but the majority are not.  They are unique and special stones found each one uncovered by a different wave washing over and rolling out to sea. The reflection of the sun hitting this one just right, the gleam of the moon catching that one just so, each one found and cherished and loved with great care.

The family I have chosen, the family I have, would never name me "dead" but would help me fight to live. Even when I am gone some day, I will live on through them and in their hearts, they will not see me "dead" as someone else so carelessly labeled me yesterday.

I Grow Weary.....

Do you ever just grow tired of the people in your life who are on perpetual roller coasters and can't seem to find footing enough to stand still long enough to take measure of the life they have and how lucky and blessed they are? 

I grow weary of those who wash in and out like ocean waves on the shore. Willing to touch my life tangentially for a brief moment and then vanish again. Repeating the cycle in unpredictable sequences with or without cause created in their own minds and justified through phantom actions which no amount of defense can surmount.

I grow weary of letting people in who I know will inevitably turn away as they have done time and again, simply because I don't want to be cruel or unkind and make the first cut.

I grow weary of unfounded accusations and unstable people who throw them around foolishly blaming others for offenses unfounded and baseless.

I grow weary of the emotional toll it takes to placate the irrational, and the elevator ride from the penthouse to basement that never ends on broken cables.

I grow weary of caring enough to worry rather or not there will be a next time. I've done all I can, I am who I am. I live my life honest and truthful, loyal and open hearted. I don't know that there is room for pettiness and and unbridled anger and bitterness.

I grow weary of trying only to fail in spite of my best efforts and owing to nothing I have control over. And I grow weary of facing the emotional guillotine and having my head placed on a figurative spike every few months because of imagined offenses which never occur.

I am committed to ending my weariness, curtailing the allowance of these individuals in my life, and focusing on those who lift me up, and make me smile.  I don't expect perfection from my friends, but an open and even exchange of kindness and hope, laughter and tears, absent of accusation and petty grievances and intolerable vengeful behaviors.