Breathe Deeply, then Giggle!: Dear Santa......

This was my letter to Santa last year;

Dear Santa, Let me explain! See what happened was... well see it went like this... uh, one day I was...what I meant to do was...it was my intention to...., uh, dang, I'm getting coal huh?

I think it was pretty clear that I wasn't expecting much, but it all worked out and he took care to make sure I had a good Christmas anyway. So this year I decided to start off with a little more confidence;

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. Truly I have! I've fed, cleaned up after, and cared for the boys, Jeff, and the dogs on demand. I've made doctors appointments, bought energy drinks, and assisted with homework projects and assignments enough to earn my bachelors degree 3 times over. I've excused the unexcused absence, and been more patient than Job in the bible, no matter what you hear to the contrary from the boys. I participated, or rather donated, to fundraisers for the track team and sat on those hard hemorrhoid inducing bleachers at every home meet, even when it was freezing cold and raining.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with a sharpie I found in my dryer , on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the foreseeable future.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

To Start with, can you have the elves take care of those sharpie marks that got all over that load of laundry in the dryer? My favorite skirt was in that load along with the boys brand new khaki's, which, by the way is where I'm pretty sure the sharpie came from.

I'd like a pair of legs and hips and knees that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to carry in groceries enough for an army of men when I get home from the grocery store, since I can't ask for help without a full negotiation session which takes so long that the frozen goods melt.Its a good thing their not the polar ice caps, or we'd be facing the end of the world. Which BTW, may happen on December 21st according to the Mayan calendar, so if you want to come early, I'm cool with that.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in my late thirties. I have looked everywhere for it, but can't seem to find it. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint and dog nose resistant windows for the house and car; a radio that only plays my chosen music, no sports, no talk radio; a TV that requires a retinal scan for programming and is programmed only to read my eyes; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone, or store dark chocolate, or escape anytime I feel the pressure mounting.

On the practical side, I could use subliminal training tapes that simply teach the messages, "I love you" , "thanks mom", and "sure thing mom, I'll get right on it". These would boost both my parental confidence and my daily satisfaction ratio. Also, 2 kids who don't fight and 3 pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Pick up your mess", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family. Somehow I don't think the godfather intended payment for picking up ones socks, or placing ones plate and fork in the dishwasher.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and the dogs saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think they think it's dinner time again even though they were fed 15 minutes ago.