John Jay & Rich - An Interesting Dilemma

On my way to work each day I listen to the radio.  The morning show on my station features John Jay & Rich , two DJ's based out of Arizona. Balance and sanity for this duo usually comes in the form of Kyle, their  female voice of reason. Monday through Friday they play music and in between they have their version of entertainment usually in the form of relationship drama and tampering provided by their own personal antics in the lives of their willing listeners.

Today they unveiled their new Friday installment aptly called 'Fiance Friday'.  Not unlike their Thursday 'War of Roses', Fiance Friday is intended to test the waters and fidelity of one member of an engaged couple at the truly unhealthy and misguided request of the other, without the knowledge of the ambushee.  It can be truly sad to listen to, but sometimes also quite funny in a very depraved and poor commentary on human nature sort of way. Sometimes you just have to laugh at how truly stupid some people are. Naive and foolish, and like rats in a maze trying to back-peddle once caught in the gooey tar of the trap.

This morning however, was not about cheating but rather a larger philosophical question which truly made me think.  I know how I feel and my lines are pretty well drawn, but I understand that others have different perspectives so I thought today, I would pose the question.

Can or Should men and women remain friends with their exes? If love failed to work out and you find yourself lucky enough to have been gifted another chance with someone new, is it appropriate to maintain a connection and regular contact with the scorned relationship from your past? When and where do the lines of appropriate lie in these connections with others who once held the strings to your heart?

Next Question. Assuming you are one of the few who remains friends with your exes, do you stand your ground when your new love voices their discomfort and unhappiness with the choice, or do you walk away from those ill fated romances of yesterday? Is your new partner paranoid, or justified in their concerns?

And the bigger question is, can men and women truly be friends, not in a couples group setting, but one on one outside of the bonds of whatever love and commitment they have with someone else? Is it our human nature to see the opposite sex as mate, or can we truly maintain a relationship with each other without the threat of intimacy? How can you be certain, no matter how true your heart is, that it is mutual?

O.k.,  now my thoughts.

I think men and women can be friends, if they have never crossed those lines in the past with certain caveats.

• Both people are in successful and happy relationships of their own, and/or;
• The friendship is between a heterosexual and a lesbian or gay male, and/or;
• The friendship is not isolated to the point of exclusivity from communication and or participation by each others partners on occasion, and/or;
• There is no deception or secrecy regarding the friendship and activities shared (this is a must)

I don't think its appropriate for men/women friendships to be built on commiserating about the failings of their partners. This is a ploy to seek comfort in the arms of another, and no matter how innocent it begins, it is destined to end badly.

I don't think men and women who were once intimate with each other can or should be friends  beyond the end of their commitment, particularly once new relationships have been started. The lines between love and hate and indifference are thin and easily blurred during times of loneliness or trial. It is to easy to fall into old habits when happiness is tested, and I think it is inappropriate to maintain such risk when new love has been found.You can be civil, as in cases of divorce where children are involved, but civility is not equal to friendship, spending time with each other, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend.

I think anytime someone you love expresses concern or heartfelt pain over a choice or action you have made, it is important to evaluate what is most important.  Ideally the person you love should always take 1st priority, and... if it is within your power to quell their fears, you should do so. No friendship, especially those forged in the fires past love, or present day flirtation, should ever take precedence or greater value over the love you now have.

As the years go by, I find myself transforming from my early adulthood path of a free spirit to a woman of much more traditional thoughts.  I have a wicked jealous streak, and am fortunate that Jeff understands me and respects my heart enough to put it first.