Mothers and Daughters

Today my mom turned 70.

Mom and I have not always had the best relationship. We have tried over the years to build something real and lasting, but each time we are in reach of the prize, something happens to restart the race. Frequently the derailment comes from actions or choices influenced by others, and sadly, short of sacrificing my own emotional health, there is nothing I can do.

As a child, I felt distant from mom. She was often short to anger and harsh with discipline. We didn't share close moments of bonding, like those you see in a Hallmark film, but rather sporadic moments of calm.  I assume it was the pressure of being a mother to a large brood. As a teenager, my distance from mom grew into a canyon of monumental proportions. So vast we couldn't see across its distance from one side to the next. I realize now that much of her frustration stemmed from her deeply rooted unhappiness.

As an adult we have vacillated back and forth. Sometimes close, sometimes not.  Through life's events, and how they are handled, sometimes we connect and sometimes we are on very different planes. I have learned to appreciate that mom did not get the life she wanted but rather did what she could with the hand she was dealt. She was a pregnant teen, married to a  boy she didn't love, in a time when such occurrences were scandalous. She went on to have 6 kids all within a 10 year range. Hers' was a life of struggle, constantly striving to stay above the line of poverty. She sought love her whole life and eventually found the real thing, leaving my father after 30 years of marriage to pursue her own happiness. It wasn't ideal, and it wasn't perfect, but life is gritty sometimes. I can respect that.

Its fair to say that I don't always agree with moms choices nor she with mine. As adults we should be o.k. with this, but feelings sometimes get in the way and that estrangement begins to grow again like a cancerous tumor. I welcome opinions and views that are contrary to mine. I don't expect the people I love and care about to think the way I do or to always agree with me.  Life would be boring and I would never grow emotionally if that were the case. What I do expect is honesty and integrity.  I have a zero tolerance for hypocrisy or lies.

I know that mom won't always be here. Because of that, I find myself compromising often, trying to set aside my personal conflicts for the bigger picture. It's tough sometimes, to always be second choice and to never quite matter enough. But I try.

I've accepted that mom and I will never attain that hallmark moment. She is still my mom and she gave me life. For that I owe her and I love her. I will continue to try and make the most of what we have. It may not be ideal, but we play the hand we get.

Today my mom turned 70. It wasn't the day I had planned 6 months ago, and the festive occasion I wanted it to be, didn't come to life, but  I did call, and wished her the best. Today, that has to be enough. It's all I can do.