Valentines Day - What Not to Get

So I am going to seriously knock the universe off its tilt-a-whirl and confess, much to the dismay and horror of all those women out there hoping for a big payday this Thursday, that I am not a purveyor of extravagant Valentines day gifts.  Truth is, its one of those holidays that I think retailers take total advantage of, and women use to torture their men in a test of their devotion and willingness to kiss their heart shaped rumps on demand.

Now I wont lie and say I don't want anything, a little acknowledgement, given that the holiday does exist, is appropriate, but keep it simple. A card, a simple flower, some take out dinner or dessert entree. Basic. You get the idea, for $10 or less you have me. It the mere is idea of saying you love me that matters not how far you cave in to the commercial hell of it.

I feel bad for those men, who are with women who expect so much greater. I understand that you barely survived the gift giving of Christmas, her birthday isn't for a few months yet (you remember the date, right??) But if you have any hope for peace and an absence of hostility throughout the remainder of the year, you can't ignore Valentine's Day.  As a result I thought I would help you out a little with a list of what not to get....

To start with, don't get her anything that resembles an appliance. It won't matter if the newest food processor comes in her favorite color and is capable of frying bacon and/or washing dishes; or that the new coffee maker brews a perfect machiato and bakes scones; even if that tricky new electric mixer can make chocolate chip ice cream and buff the callouses off her heels,  they are still reminiscent of kitchen drudgery, and the equivalent of telling her to "get in the kitchen and make me sandwich, woman."

Next up... don't get her candles. Even if they are expensive and smell really good, they are mundane unless you plan to do something creative and/or kinky with them, in which case, I don't need details. . Everyone gives candles when they can't think of a suitable gift. For Pete's sake, if she wants her house to smell good she'll give in to her woman's role and bake some cookies......just kidding.

Don't ever get her a pet. No matter how cute and cuddly it looks. You could end up being the one who has to feed it, walk it, bathe it, brush it, take it to the vet, clean up after it, and share your bed with it. And remember, it will be around for a long, long time. There is also the likelihood of a nasty custody battle if you should ever break up, and nobody wants to confuse the poor ferret. Leave it in the pet store.

Don't get her tools. Don't worry if she uses a telephone book to balance the corner of her bed, these days its the most useful way to utilize it. Its o.k. that her dining room table has wobbly, loose legs and that you have to use your knees when you eat breakfast to balance the table so that your cereal doesn't spill. Maybe she likes things that way. If she wanted them fixed, she'd call a handyman or nag you to do it for her. She doesn't own tools for a reason- she doesn't want them.

Don't give her any paraphernalia that is related to your favorite sports team, even if they won the Super Bowl. Again. Did you ever actually see her wearing the scarf with the team colors and embroidered logo that you gave her last year? That's because she used it to mop up after the poop mess the ferret left behind then she buried it at the bottom of the trash can with your torn up t-shirt from the INXS Concert in 1985. Also no "charitable donations in your name" (You might as well say, "I bought you a gift, but gave it someone else."). No stars unless you are a billionaire and have found a way to catapult her into space to see her new piece of real estate.

Don't give her one of those fancy packaged "bath sets", save those for grandmas birthday. Who in their right mind would use gritty cucumber/papaya scrub, and star shaped green soap anyway? Grandmas not in her right mind, so give it to her. No more coffee mugs. Even if it is filled with candy and has a balloon attached that says "I love you". If you feel the urge to buy one, you might as well drive directly to the goodwill store to donate it, because that's where it will end up. As for the candy, if you give her candy then you wave all future rights to criticize and complain about her weight and the way she used to look.

No cookbooks, or self improvement tapes, unless you want an icy stare and a backhand while you sleep.


Above all, no lingerie, because if you get the size wrong, she'll be forever suspicious that you meant to buy it for your other girlfriend.

So, when all is said and done......  Don't buy her anything. Give her a card! Tell her you love her! Pick up some take out and watch her favorite chick flick with her while cuddling on the couch under your favorite blanket together.

Anything more, and you risk setting the bar too high for future years, or triggering a year long game of "guess how bad you suck" in which you are regularly reminded of how badly you messed up her valentines day.And thus her whole year.