Be Gentle With Me, I'm Over 40 and My Warranties are Expiring.

When I was 30 we purchased a new refrigerator. It was wonderful. It was big and roomy, it had all sorts of buttons and gadgets, Water and Ice, Humidity control, night lights, oooo it was so much fun. It smelled fresh and clean and it didn’t have any mysterious crusty substance or slimes in the cracks and seals. There were no flakes of onion peel  or garlic cloves coating the bottom of the crisper drawer.

The Refrigerator survived one local move and one very long distance move like a champ, but shortly after my 40th birthday, one by one...its systems and fancy doohickeys began shutting down. Sadly, my refrigerator is no longer with us. Not surprisingly, I came to an epiphany about this,  and that is simply that humans have warranties as well and they expire at exactly 40 years of age.

Consider this my good deed for the day. I’m writing this as a public service announcement. I feel it’s my duty to impart my expansive wisdom and share my knowledge on this enigmatic subject with you. No one warned me ahead of time and I stumbled blindly into my 40s, accepting, nay, celebrating this significant milestone while at the same time ignoring it, only to hit a brick wall and be knocked on my butt. I don’t want anyone else staggering into middle-agedom unarmed, so here, without further ado, is the information necessary to maintaining your sanity when you reach that certain landmark that includes a birthday cake with enough candles to heat a 10,000 square foot warehouse, or maybe it just felt that way in my 980 square foot cottage/house.

First up is your youthful vigor. Remember when you could stay out all night with friends having a good ole time? I see my college age son and his girlfriend doing this now, and I just shake my head like an old person, wondering what is wrong with those whippersnappers and how come they don't appreciate a good nights sleep?  You see I can still stay out and up all night if I want to.... It’s just that “staying out all night” now means “home and in bed by 11:00”.
  
Next up is your youthful appearance - Beginning with hair. My hair did change as I hit that lovely middle-age mark, I fight for color and it is definitely not the same thick mane of my youth....But that’s not the hair I’m talking about. I’m talking about hair that appears in places where hair should never, NEVER, EVER be. I will not give any names away, but my friends collectively came up with this list of places they’ve found errant hairs. (This is not for the faint of heart.) chin, upper lip, stomach, ears, nose, and boobs. No, that’s not a typo. Do not underestimate the value of a good pair of tweezers. And a razor. And depilatories. And wax.

As for that glorious figure and the metabolism you thought you would always have....Think again. Gone are the days of inhaling a Big Mac, hot greasy fries, and a hot fudge sundae then washing it down with a six pack of soda. Your digestive system will no longer be able to handle food that doesn’t include the word “bran” in the title or that contains butter or grease...basically anything with flavor. Another really fun thing you’ll be able to experience in middle-age is your very first colonoscopy. I highly recommend them! Not because they’re ever-so-enjoyable, but because misery loves company and if I have to suffer through them, I figure you might as well too.  When you turn 40, you will suddenly be able to ingest food simply by looking at it! It’s true! Once upon a time I was able to scarf down a pint of Ben and Jerry's, metabolize it, and be no worse for the wear. Now I merely look at a cheesecake and the fat and calories make my hips and chin swell instantaneously. Yes, now that I’m in my 40s, I can eat with my eyes. Its like magic!

Another thing that happens when you hit 40 is that your arms will shrink. This shortening of the arms makes it difficult to hold reading material far enough from your eyes to actually decipher the words on anything less than a 48 pt. font. You have two choices when this happens. Learn to hold books with your feet or get glasses. I own 3 pairs of reading glasses and two transition lenses. Because at 40, my memory started to go and I can never remember where I left my glasses, I leave a pair everywhere I typically go,  in order to make certain I always have them available. I’m pretty sure that earns me membership in the Little Old Ladies Who Play Bingo Club (I actually have an App for bingo on my iPhone). Just call me brilliant.

You may think that you’ll start to lose your hearing when you reach the ripe ole age of 40, but you’d be wrong. Quite the contrary, in fact. You’ll actually acquire bionic hearing and you’ll find yourself saying things like, “Turn that music down! Why is the TV so loud? I can’t hear myself think!” The ‘can’t hear myself think’ phrase is one of those things that old people say that doesn’t make any kind of sense. But you’ll probably start saying a lot of things that don't make sense, so get used to it.

At one time, maybe cramming for midterms in your late teens or early 20's, you could drink Coke and Lattes by the gallon, relishing the fact you could stay awake until 2:00 and then fall asleep the instant your head hit the pillow. Now, however, you have 3 choices. Switch to decaf, stop consuming caffeine by 2:00 in the afternoon, or stay awake for 3 days straight after which you will fall into a coma for 24 hours and take two weeks to recover fully.

In your younger days, your body regenerated at night while you slept and you awoke feeling rejuvenated and refreshed. After 40, however, your body mysteriously deteriorates while you sleep. You awake with aches in body parts you didn’t even know you had. You seriously consider getting a walker to help you to the bathroom in the morning and when you get up in the middle of the night, because once you’ve hit that 40 year marker you can kiss sleeping through the night goodbye & your bladder no longer holds steady, you are afraid that the creaks and sounds of your joints popping are loud enough to wake not just yours but the neighbors dog.  Now that you’re middle aged, you’ll awaken to use the bathroom at least twice a week. Look on the bright side though - at least you’re waking up to use the bathroom. The next stop on the train to death? Adult diapers.

At 40 our bodies start making strange and unusual noises. In fact, my son was sitting next to me on the couch as I typed this and he suddenly looked up at me, horror etched on his face as he exclaimed, “Get something to eat, Mom! Your stomach is scaring me!” The only problem was – I wasn’t hungry. I’d just eaten dinner. My stomach was making noises like a dying cat for no particular reason. My knees sound like a rocking chair in need of WD-40 when I attempt to get up after sitting on the floor too. I think there's a reason for the "40" in WD-40. 

If you’ve never had problems with your teeth, count yourself lucky. And be prepared to soon kiss that luck goodbye with a mouth full of gums. The bad news is that your teeth will fall apart. Literally. They’ll just fall right out of your head. This hasn't happened to me yet, but I've witnessed it in others. Even worse news is that fixing them will deplete your retirement account. I know people with so many crowns now that they are officially royalty and I am one of their lucky court jesters.

Expect to begin sagging. No, I'm not talking about the stupid fashion statement, middle-school boys like to make by wearing their pants around their ankles here, I'm talking skin. When you hit 40, the amount of gravity on your body increases causing things to shift. I used to wear cute little tops that showed off my boobs. Now without the aid of industrial strength under-wires, I would just have tuck the girls into my waistband and call it a day.   As for wrinkles, I know people my age who have the skin of a crocodile. Don’t cringe when you look in the mirror and see wrinkles. Call them “laugh lines” and pat yourself on the back for enjoying a well-lived life full of laughter. Then call the dermatologist and ask them just how much Botox they can inject at once.

And Yet, even with all this good news,  I encourage you to run headfirst, full speed into that pylon labeled 40. Embrace what comes next with humor and gracious style.  Life is only 1/2 over or 1/2 begun however you chose to look at it. So keep living it to the fullest and remember, outside of the warranties all you can do is regular maintenance. :)

Enjoy!