Damned if you do...Damned if you don't

Tonight was a night full of drama. I detest drama, and anyone who causes it.....

Long story shortened as much as I can.....My mom lives 2000 miles away and though I would love to see her more often, I am only able to afford the trip every 1-2 years.  We were estranged for a long time, so since we reconnected several years ago, I really appreciate the time I get.

My last visit with Mom was in September of 2011. I was not able to see her in 2012 but planned my visit for 2013 intentionally around her 70th birthday.  I picked the dates 6 months ago, and in November I made a big decision. I remembered, as a child my mom working hard to make my birthday and other occasions very special.  She threw me birthday parties and invited people to help me celebrate most special occasions in my life.  I never realized then how important and valuable that would be to me later in life. How much I would cherish those memories.

This year mom turns 70 and I decided as a special gift from me to her, I wanted to use my weekend with her to throw her a surprise party.  Her house is small, but if I was strategic in who I invited and maximized my time and resources , I thought it could be really special.  I was selective in the invites because though notably, the party is for mom, I think more important than who is there, is that it is positive and drama free, no conflict or baggage or unnecessary tensions. I chose to avoid siblings who required forced civility or hypocrisy, and I focused on guests who would ultimately uplift my mother , celebrate her, and enjoy each others company.  In the end, it is my gift to my mom, and I wanted it to be something I was proud of and comfortable with.

Now for the drama,  I have 5 siblings. For whatever reason my siblings and I have all gone our separate ways in life and only a few stayed connected much beyond cursory communications through the years.  7 years ago I made the decision, following divorce to relocate to the northwest to try to build a relationship with a sister and brother who live here and were already very close to each other.  I spoke semi-regularly to my sister and had hoped to build on that.  Without getting into the gory details, the fantasy far exceeded the reality and those relationships never truly came to life.  The relationships struggled and wavered, imploded, died, resurfaced, wilted, revived and ultimately, after this evening have disintegrated. All spark of hope was doused and I have accepted that there is nothing I can do, or to be more honest am willing to do.  Too much energy, too many tears, too much self doubt has already been expended on a need for validation and acceptance that is unnecessary and destructive. In the end, the siblings I found myself connected to , were those who remained in California and though it requires commitment and effort, we work to be a part of each others lives.

The drama ensued this evening when the siblings who have propagated and bred an exclusive environment in all family, holiday, and special occasions for the the last 10 years or more, were suddenly offended when they were the ones on the end of the exclusion. It would appear that is acceptable for them to chose who to exclude and ban from family gathering and events, but it is not allowable for anyone else to exercise the same privileged.  In all fairness, it wasn't a premeditated move on my part intended to spark a battle, but the truth is, we have all done our own separate things for so long, I didn't see this as any different. I was simply following precedents and staying true to the culture and examples set by those who were now playing victim. Time and again gatherings have occurred to which only specific siblings were invited or banned and I simply believed it was my prerogative to invite who I saw as most appropriate for the intended end result and desired atmosphere.  During a recent family visit to Southern California, my youngest brother was banned from visiting my oldest brother for the duration of a visit by the sibling who now protests, simply because of past perceived transgressions. Ultimately it is my mothers birthday, but I believed the occasion would be better served by reserving space according to the size of her home , for those who will surely get along and compliment each others attendance. For those not participating, I encouraged them to do something separately.

The short of it is, that there were things said, and behaviors exhibited, accusations bantered about, and cruel tones and words spewed forth in a public forum which can not be taken back even when deleted.  And as a result, the end of my hope for reconciliation has resulted. All interest has irrevocably dissolved.

No more rejection, no more self doubt, no more begging for forgiveness for sins not committed but yet perceived, no more hypocrisy, or false platitudes, and no more pain. I refuse to feel bad or remorseful for efforts and hopes of creating something beautiful and fun for my mother out of love.

Don't cast stones and accusations at me without first looking in the mirror and owning your own actions.  I did not create the air of exclusion, but I have no qualms about respecting it if it is to ensure a drama free happy occasion and gift from a daughter to her mother.

In this instance I found myself Damned if I do and Damned if I don't..... but damned if I don't was something I can live with.