Independence

How old were you when you first became independent? I'm not referring to the Faux independence you exerted at age 7 when you decided you could think for yourself and built a fort in your bedroom out of  bunk beds and blankets with a sign that said "Keep Out - No Grown Ups Allowed", or the defiance you showed at 16 when you decided you were an adult and curfew smurfew meant nothing.  I'm talking about true independence. Living on your own, doing your own laundry (o.k. that's an iffy one because I know 30 year olds who still have mom do their laundry...true fact), paying rent, setting your own wake up and sleep schedule, you get the idea.

Maybe the bigger question is...What is independence?  Maybe its unique to each person. Maybe the parameters change with each generation. 

When I was 11 I started volunteering as a Candy Striper at the local hospital.  I wasn't independent, by any measure of the imagination, but I was learning independence and responsibility.

When I was 15 I got both a workers permit and my learners permit to drive and started my first part time job after school and on the weekends at a Pet Store.  I was on my way to independence, buying my own clothes, paying for my own "extras".  But I still wasn't independent.

The day I turned 16 I got my drivers license, and I took a BIG step towards independence. I payed for my own auto insurance, my own gas, I continued buying my own wardrobe, bought my own food (if not eating at home), no longer received an allowance,  and paid for all my extra curricular choices. I still wasn't independent but I was getting closer.

I graduated high school at the age of 17 and a few months after turning 18, I decided, as a "legal adult", it was high time I exerted my independence. I moved into an apartment with a girl I knew from school and happened to work with, and I was finally independent....for about 30 seconds.  O.k. so it lasted about 4 months before I found myself out of work and moving back home. Independence was a LOT more expensive than I was prepared for, and I realized that the next time I tried it would take a great deal more planning and saving. I needed to be more prepared to take the dive in to the deep blue waters of adulthood.

I learned quickly, that being and adult and being independent were two different things. But I also learned that just because the calendar says your an adult, doesn't make it so.

You can be an adult, and assume the responsibilities of adulthood without being fully independent. Independence is standing on your own two feet, able to survive and flourish without the financial aide and support of someone else. Independence, is rare. In truth, most ADULTS are not independent. They rely on each other both emotionally and financially to get through. Quite often, neither adult in a two income household, are truly independent because without the other they could not sustain their lifestyle. Being an Adult is about taking responsibility for your own needs and actions. Its about owning your life everyday and standing up for what you believe is right. It is about thinking for yourself, and making informed and reasonable decisions to the best of your ability. But being 'Independent' means fiscal responsibility. They are two VERY different animals.

Independence may be earmarked by things such as who does your laundry, sets the alarm, buys the groceries, & pays the rent and utilities. It may begin with having an income, but independence is REALLY hard work.

I thought I was independent when my parents no longer claimed me on their taxes. But the truth is even after marrying, having kids, holding a career for decades, I was simply part of an independent team. I was not  truly independent until I found myself at the age of 37, on my own, responsible for myself and my two children after divorce. Independence is hard. But its also worth it.  I however, think I did things a little backwards.  Here's my advice to my children and today's youth.....

Being 18 does not make you an adult. An adult takes responsibility for themselves, so as long as you are still my responsibility in action, you are not an adult.

Being an Adult does not make you independent. Before you leap from being my dependent to someone elses through partnership (marriage or commitment) learn to be independent first. Stand on your own two feet for a while. Experience the responsibility and pride of knowing you are taking care of yourself both physically and financially. Encounter and resolve conflicts and challenges the right way, learn....then learn some more....then learn some more....And when you finally do decide to become partners with someone, you will appreciate them for what they bring to the table that much more because you will know what it was like to be single first. Don't wait until your 40 to understand the weight and burden of independence, live it while your young and still have the energy and time to make mistakes and correct them. Independence is an important state of being to understand and know, but its not all its cracked up to be.

I'd opt for being part of the right team any day over the power of independence.