Closure

Today I am seeking closure and I promise my readers this is the last blog I will write about the family dynamics which have traumatized my world the past few days.

Today I write of closure.  Closure can be found in any number of ways, and some are more complete than others. If we are committed to putting a stop to the never ending cycle of dysfunction, no matter what form it takes, closure can be found.

In the last 7 years, since relocating to the Northwest, I have repeatedly faced the rejection and ridicule of a brother  who I had hoped to get to know and be a part of.  In the past 20 years my brother has seen me only 4-6 times and has actually sat down to talk with me for less hours than that. He truly knows nothing of me except through stories created by others, who themselves know nothing about me. He feigns effort publicly, only because he believes it's what's expected, but in truth its all an illusion.

In the last two years alone, after beginning to follow his blog and reading about how purportedly important family was to him, I reached out...a lot. Every gesture, every offer, save 1 , was met with rejection and rebuff. There was always an excuse, always a reason, or even more truthful, outright ignoring of the invitation until it had passed. He repeatedly sent me messages about it being a two way street and my obligation to pursue the relationship, but showed no mutual effort himself. I offered breakfasts, lunch, dinner, movies, BBQ, and even box seats to the hockey team while I worked there.  All were in vain.  In the meantime, I witnessed time and again family gatherings and special events taking place (holidays, weddings, baby showers, birthdays) mere moments from my own front door, to which I was excluded unilaterally without pause.

This weekend, the dysfunction reached a crescendo. As the tragedy of it drew to its close, I found myself with a clarity that had been there all along but I had resisted. Family is not about blood, it is about MUTUAL respect, acceptance, and equality. No one family member is more worthy of love or praise than another. No one family member is better than another. Its true I talk a lot about forgiveness, but its a two way street. Jealousy and self-centeredness have no room in a healthy relationship. The Narcissist world can only revolve around them because it is so small and has no room for others to shine or stand out.  

I lost something valuable this weekend. I lost a relationship with my mother, not by choice. I am saddened deeply by this. It was tainted and poisoned by the hateful and selfish acts of a brother who was unwilling to let a daughter do something lovely for her mother without him. It was about a gift from me to her, but it usurped his light, and therefore had to be destroyed. It was sad, and childish, and vindictive, fueled by jealousy and cruelty. I hope to be able to salvage it in time, but for now I must respect her requests. But I gained something too. I gained perspective. Self respect and freedom. I have severed and closed the book finally. No longer willing to subject myself to repeated heartache and tears.

He no longer has the ability or right to idly witness the happy moments and times in my life through the cyber world since he could never make the effort to do it in the real world. Its ironic because I started this blog as a way to get to know him.  To be vulnerable and share a piece of who I am with him. In the end, I continue my blog for me. It is cathartic at times. Funny, creative, serious, poignant, strange. Its is a reflection of me on any given day in any given moment. Today it is about closure.