Gifts from the Heart.

Have you ever received a gift from someone and when you opened it,  though you put on a brave and gracious smile and beamed an enthusiastic thank you, you were really thinking, WHY?! The gift is not something that reflects you, or the givers understanding of you in any way. Perhaps they don't know or understand you? The gift is so out of character for you that you are left wondering if the name tags got switched or something. You are ever the diplomat and so you show appreciation and gratitude, but in the recesses of your mind, your spirits are dampened and you are wondering when are you EVER going to utilize this present and how much will it sell for at the next garage sale.  Can you return it? Then you find yourself a little bitter when you suddenly realize, this was no mistake, this was not an oversight, or an oopsey! This was unmistakably a present for the giver not for you, and they are counting on using it under the guise of its belonging to you.

My ex was an expert at buying me presents which were actually for him disguised as presents for me.  It was an art really. He had perfected the delivery and the message of intent being that these presents were a way for me to be a part of his interests and his world. I almost felt guilty for not being able to muster up genuine enthusiasm for the gifts. Some were beneficial and some simply held no hope.

He bought me a rifle because all his friends had them and he wanted to be able to join them in target shooting. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed shooting too, and am actually a surprisingly good shot, but the gun was for him. I knew it. He knew it. But the charade was on and it was always my rifle though the use of the gun was seriously skewed in his favor, 75/25.

He bought me a Custom Tied Deep Sea Fishing Rod.  Cool I know, right? Except I had NEVER been deep sea fishing. But you see he had an arsenal, and at $500-$1,000/ea , we had already had the intense and heated discussion about need vs. want, and he simply didn't need anymore. His solution, buy me a custom tied rod, specifications to meet his newest desire, but put my name and colors on it. In our twelve years together he never took me out with him even once, but the gift showed his intent to include me in a future excursions. NOT.  It was my job to stay home with the boys, while he and his buddy's hit the ocean for their next adventure. I didn't get out on the ocean until after we were no longer together, but when I finally did I had my own custom tied Tuna Rod.  My new custom tied rod got used, by him, A lot! Use of this gift was heavily skewed 100/0 in his favor until after I got custody.

He bought me a jet ski.  I enjoyed riding, but again my job was to take care of the boys. The ski made frequent trips to the river and lakes without me. An when it was with me, I found my place was on the beach with the kids. The ski was enjoyable, what little I used it, but the hard riding, the bulk of the usage was by my ex, his friends, & his family. He went the extra step to ensure this gift was mine, by inscribing a dedication in memory of my father on it, but the use of this gift was easily 80/20 in his favor.

He bought me Tools, he bought me a television, there were collectibles he intended to make a fortune on someday (he never did). He bought me a quad (used 70/30 in his favor). Every occasion to give, was masked as an occasion to buy for himself. He knew how to manipulate it in his favor, but he made one fatal mistake, there was a flaw in his dastardly narcissistic plan.

You see when in a marriage in a state which recognizes community property and marital assets like California, gifts are not included as part of the marital assets if they are clearly indicated and proven to be gifts. I am a sentimental fool and keet every card I have ever received with every gift. I always document occasions with photos of the special day. As a result, I had unwittingly, documented the proof necessary to demonstrate my exes generosity.

So.....when we divorced, all of these wonderful gifts, he so graciously gave me, became part of my personal assets unbound by community property or marital asset guidelines. They were to remain with me, (even if I had no use for them other than to sell them off and use the gains to establish my new life elsewhere).  He had given me so many things that he thought he could benefit from, but when divorce happens, human nature dictates, that as amicable as we may try to be, tinges of vindictiveness and hostility will seep through. So with a smile I happily held on to those belongings which were mine by gift.

Here is the lesson... this Christmas when thinking of a gift for the one you love, think of them! Put your heart into it! What do they love to do? What are they interested in? What will bring a genuine and true smile to their face? Give selflessly not selfishly. Don't confuse the two. Its doesn't have to be extravagant, or costly, just thoughtful.  If your an artist, make a picture; if your a chef, plan a romantic meal; plan a day together, or buy  a day at the spa, or a weekend in wine country; buy a book by a favorite author; take a cooking class together. Think about the person, and make your gift something personal to them. Practice makes perfect. Sometimes it takes a little effort but you have opportunities throughout the year and for your lives together to get it right. Sometimes it will be a hit, sometimes a miss, but if you always put your heart into it, it will always be appreciated.

Gifts from the heart are better than Gifts of any other kind.

Happy Holidays.