A time for Reflection

As the new year approaches and the holiday season wanes yet again, I find myself this morning in a sea of reflection.

As I consider all the joys and pains of 2012, I realize, this is life. This IS what life is all about. Joy and Pain. Happy and Sad. Win and Lose. Forward but NEVER backward.

2012 was a year of triumphs and losses for me. But overall I will see it come to a close on a note I would call Winning.

After a tumultuous and heavily packed year of lessons and learning in 2010 an 2011, 2012 was a chance to breath at last.

My year started off with a spectacular bang as in January I saw my Wyatt return home, not for simply a visit, but to stay. I felt whole for the first time in two years. I found family relationships deepened and taking root, as with my oldest brother Rodney. I also explored and developed connections of genuine love and interest with cousins not seen for years. Brian, Samantha, Kit, and Steven. My cousin Dawn, grew to be very important and more of a sister to me, as the year progressed. Dawn had been there for me when I struggled with Wyatt's choice to live with his dad in 2010 and then when he actually left in 2011 after a costly and arduous court battle. But our relationship as not just cousins but sisters, really started building momentum in 2012.  

My relationship with my mother continued to grow as the year progressed, and we found ourselves able to talk about things more important than the weather. I reconnected in limited ways but with promise with my other two brothers and my oldest sister. My employment situation became more secure with my acceptance of a contract position at The Oregonian which has grown into something more secure and long term.  My relationship with Jeff continues to make us both smile and laugh and allows us the freedom to be ourselves.

As a person, I think I've grown this year.  I've learned to trust my instincts more than ever before, about people, but also about my own health and body. I've learned this year, that sometimes I expect too much and I need to learn to simply take a breath and accept things for what they are and be content with that which I can not change. I have to stop beating my head against the concrete walls. I've found a greater capacity for forgiveness than I ever thought possible, my well runs deep. I have recognized my ability to find the joy in everything as it happens. I am learning that I don't have to control every element of the day in my life or those around me.

I continue to struggle with patience,and tolerance. I embrace that these are my weaknesses and that every victory will be hard fought but worthy of celebration.

I have experienced sadness through the loss of my cousin Dawn, and the hope that relationship carried with it. For the first time in years I dreamed of family bonds within reach for holidays and special times shared, and her sudden absence created a temporary vacuum in my heart. But I know her struggles were many and I know that she is at peace and at last whole again.

My home life seems at peace, and full. I am blessed with continued bonds and friendships which bring me joy and smiles every day. Gina, Melanie, and Alan, and new friends, Darlene, Debi, and Rustie.

I end this year feeling my best, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and I begin 2013 with trust and dedication to always learning, always growing, never giving up.