Have you met that person, who, with just one beer, becomes the smartest person they know and they insist that they are also the smartest person you know?
Beer apparently heightens the intelligence quotient and increases ones IQ to Mensa status (the cheaper the better, none of this highfalutin micro brew stuff). If you have questions about anything, ask someone who has been drinking and they can tell you the answer. They are qualified to be Pope, Astronaut, Banker, Archaeologist, Teacher, Weatherman, Pro Athlete, Judge, Lawyer, Scientist, Parent, Doctor, Surgeon, and President all at once! Only one thing can compromise their genius status....that's right.. you guessed it...if you have a drink too. This presents a dilemma. Now you are both genius status and either your going to solve all global crisis' or your going to implode like a supernova because we all know you can't have this much power in one place without serious consequences.
Spend an evening with someone who has been drinking while you are yet sober and here is typically what you will experience. Notice the trend and high usage of the words, Idiots and Stupid. As you read this imagine a mild slur of the words and allow it to get progressively worse as the evening gets later.
5:00 p.m. - News: Newscasters are all idiots. I could tell the story better than they do. And what is with that stupid smirk. Smiling whiling telling a story about multiple homicide is just stupid. I should be a newscaster. See this is the serious face they should show (demonstrates serious face).
5:15 p.m. - News report of Teachers Strike: Teachers are all idiots. Why are they asking for more money when they don't even work for the money they already earn. Always taking days off, we all know they get more vacation time than normal people get. We send our kids to school to learn, but I'm smarter than their stupid teachers. I could teach better than they can. Maybe we should home school.
5:30 p.m. - While discussing the recent health diagnosis of a family member: Doctors are all idiots. They make so much money and they give you all of 60 seconds of their time. They always think they know the answer and don't ever listen to the patient. You know, I think I broke my ankle once and they said it was only a sprain. They took x-rays but I think it was all for show, just so they could bill me. I'd be a better doctor than most of them and I wouldn't even have to go to college. The whole medical system is corrupt and stupid.
5:45 p.m. - While checking in on Monday night football - Yelling at the television, insisting that the referee is an idiot: Referees are all idiots. Are they blind or just stupid? Didn't he see that play? Crooks. They are all on the take, I guarantee it. I could make the calls better than they can. If I'd wanted to I could have been a famous athlete. I could play better than most of the guys on that field. Did you see that throw? What an idiot.
6:00 p.m. - Rambling on about something he saw on TV or heard on the radio or read in a book - at this point any subject is game: 1. You want to know how the universe was formed, don't ask those idiot scientists ask me. I can tell you how the universe was formed. 2. Aliens, of course there are aliens. The government is full of idiots who lie. It's a conspiracy to try to and keep us in the dark. But I guarantee you there are aliens here. They are probably the origin of us. Stupid government. 3. Evolution/Creationism, this is so stupid, we come from aliens you idiots.
6:15 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. - Loudly snores whiling sitting on the couch , drool seeping from the corner of his mouth.
11:05 p.m. - Wakes up hungry, and rants about how much he does for this family and no one has respect for him. He is the better parent, the better provider, the better housekeeper. He does more than anyone else ever will. And gives a grumble as you make him a bed to sleep on the couch so he won't keep you awake with excessively loud alcohol induced snores and beer farts.
Oh to be a genius.
Beer 1-3 = Genius
Beer 4 or more = Neanderthal
Proceed with Caution.
Sure glad that I don't drink. But you have these drunks pegged correctly. lol
ReplyDeleteThat's why being the designated driver is both entertaining and annoying.
ReplyDelete