What not to do in an Elevator

Anyone who knows anything about me, knows I am claustrophobic, and Elevators and I are not simpatico.  I have a love hate relationship with elevators and its mutual.

I love Elevators because they can take me 2 stories, 10 stories, 30 stories high, and it's quick and requires relatively little thought and effort.  I hate  the cramped space in elevators, the sounds of the cables squealing with exertion as they lift and lower their loads, the loss of respect for personal space by people who squeeze into an obviously already full elevator, and the ever present threat of a breakdown.  Being stuck in an elevator between floors for any amount of time, is worse than any horror movie I have ever watched and believe me I have watched them all, including ones about elevators.

I find it hysterical that most people view an elevator as a moment of privacy where they can chose to do things they wouldn't do in front of others.  They forget, that almost every venue, every hotel, every office building, every sports and entertainment complex, every shopping center, are all covered and monitored by ....take a guess... you know this answer.....that's right cameras.

So here are a few things not to do in an elevator:

1. Don't adjust and fix that super sonic wedgie.  The security guards in the tunnel can SEE you and are laughing uproariously as you do and pausing and replaying it for pure entertainment reasons.  That might explain that funny look you've been receiving as you go through the turn-styles every night.
2. Contrary to the prose in Fifty Shades of Gray, having sex  or performing any sexual act in an elevator is not discreet, or secretive.  Once again, they can SEE you.  I've been to the Heathman Hotel in downtown Portland (yes the very same) and I've been in the elevators, and I can assure you, there are cameras.  Keep the intimate acts in the confines of your home or bedroom unless your shooting for that voyeuristic and exhibitionist motif.
3. Don't twirl around in the elevator to see if your new dress/skirt will twirl like a 50's movie star.  A friend of mine did this and stumbled due to the force of gravity and stubbed her toe and tore her big toe nail off.  OUCH! Right?  And guess what? They can SEE you.
4. When you drop anything in a moving elevator something about the force of gravity messes with your head and when you bend over to pick it up, all the blood rushes to your ears and head and you fall down.  Its true, don't ask how I know, just trust that I do.  And guess what? Those security guards are still laughing because the can SEE you.
5. Wrapping it up, don't use the mirrored walls to style your hair or do your makeup or check your teeth. Don't pick and eat your boogers, don't scratch you groin or your hiney, and don't pick the crumbs from lunch out of your cleavage.  THEY CAN SEE!  

Some additional things to note.  Pushing the call button repeatedly will NOT make the elevator come faster.  Pushing the close door button repeatedly will NOT make the doors close faster.  It is a myth that jumping in a free falling elevator will save your life, the truth is physics are against you and it's actually pushing off and with the force of gravity it is more likely that you will catapult to the sealing and slam your head either knocking yourself unconscious or breaking your neck, either way, not worth the risk.  Also there is no series of buttons that will express you to your floor bypassing all other floors chosen by other riders.  Sit back, be patient and wait for your floor.

You might ask how I know about some of these things and I will simply plead the fifth.  Perhaps they happened to me or someone I know.  I'll never tell.