Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child vs. Time Out

No matter who you are, if you have taken on the extreme and honor bound challenge of parenthood you have at one time or other, been faced with the dilemma of how to discipline your child.  Disciplines vary as greatly as DNA.

Every child is different and every parent has a different approach and thought process which will determine the path they take.

If you are a member of the 40+ generation you have lived through a significant, actually a monumental, shift in discipline and I actually think its for the better.

I grew up in the 70's and 80's. It started as a time when schools still had wooden paddles in the principals office and teachers were allowed to use rulers on hands to change what they deemed as bad habits. (I started as a lefty but switched to using my right as a result of discipline in school. Interestingly enough, I still have a noticeable left handed slant to my handwriting. Most people who read my writing assume I am left handed). By the time I graduated middle school the shift had begun away from corporal punishment.

My parents, as did many in their generation, used the threat of spanking as a behavior modification tool.  The use of tree switches (thin wispy cut branches), wire hangers from the cleaners, wooden spoons, belts,   and any other creative items,  or simply a hand, made regular appearances in my childhood.  Many children in my generation had parents who believed it was better to rule with fear than to risk an out of control child. Since my daddy usually worked long hours, it was up to my mother to dole out most of the punishment, and she did what she had learned from her childhood, and generations before.  I remember some tough days, moments cowering in the corner at the end of the hallway, and some missed school as we waited for signs of the discipline to disappear. I remember making better choices simply out of the fear of what punishment awaited me if I messed up.  So in its own way it was effective.

By today's standards much of what my generation endured in the 60's and 70's would be considered abuse, and Child Protective Services would step in and take a child out of the home,  I am grateful that CPS wasn't around so heavily when I was growing up.  In spite of the harsh discipline, I loved my parents, and I would not be the woman I am without them.   They loved me, and did the best they knew how with the tools and informational advice they had available. I would never have wished or hoped to be a part of the "system".

I was lucky enough however to be born towards the end of the corporal punishment system and watched and grew into adulthood as parents began and fine tuned the practice of  Time-Outs and Privilege Suspension.  Gone were the days of using a belt on your child, and the mere idea of a teacher or principal laying a hand on a student became and remains worthy of a 5:00 Breaking News story.

Today, and in the raising of my sons, Time Out was the tool of choice.  The suspension of privileges became powerful as they grew into teenagers.  The way to ensure success and respect while maintaining integrity and love in the parental-child relationship is consistency.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Follow through. I raise my boys not through fear but instead mutual respect and consideration.

I have lived through both the Spare the Rod-Spoil the Child and the Time Out discipline regimes of parent/child relations and I must say I much prefer the latter.  I loved my parents and I know that they did the best they could. My mother was 27 years old with 6 children, enough work and pressure to try the patience of Mother Teresa herself. But the truth is, I lived in fear of making common mistakes that all children make.

I have a very strict no violence rule in my household and that goes for everyone. No parent to parent, no parent to child,  and no sibling to sibling violence allowed.  We resolve our issues through conversation, with patience, and respect, and cool heads.  My sons understand the value and importance of owning their choices and that every action positive or negative has a consequence or reward equal to measure.

Some traditions are wonderful and should be carried forward from one generation to the next, others can and should evolve.  The only way to break a cycle is to make an alternate choice.