An Out of Body Moment in Time

Sometimes we take the little things for granted....I work very hard not to do this. I know how lucky I am. I know how amazing each day of life can be, rather its simply relaxing at home, or on the go.

I know how valuable each moment with my children and friends and partner Jeff are.  I know how lucky I am to have them with me, to love and support, and inspire me.

But sometimes....Sometimes.....It takes that extra push, to really hit it home.

This weekend I took my boys for out annual corn maze adventure.  We tried a new venue this year and it was fun.  It was quite the adventure with two mazes to complete. One Haunted and one just crazy difficult.  Both were quite long and it was dark and rainy which meant the ground was a soupy muddy mess, but boy....was it fun.  I had a great time and found that even though the walking was extensive and treacherous at times, it was with my boys and the idea of spending time with them inspired me to keep up.

Saturday was all about the cleaning and cooking.  Sunday was a hodgepodge of things but wrapped up with a visit from Brandon and his friends.  Wyatt stopped by (he was spending the night at Jordains in Vancouver and going to work from there in the morning) to pick up his boots, he wasn't staying home, but hung our for a bit, and for a short while both boys kept me company.  Then as the evening moved on and Doctor Who took over, I sat comfortably in the recliner in the company of my eldest son, two of his best friends and the girl he loves, and I smiled. 

Without realizing it I began to fade into a light sleep, but this was oddly different... I wasn't really asleep.  My breathing was slow and rhythmic my eyes were closed but I  wasn't sitting in the chair, I was across the room by the fireplace observing. Quietly, peacefully observing the perfect moment. My Son and his friends and...... me.  A moment of bliss and happiness. Laughter and hope.  I was comforted seeing him joyful and content. Knowing that he had found his place and direction in life.  I knew my body was resting in that recliner, so I took a moment to walk through the house and take stock. Thinking of life beyond me. Wyatt as an adult, Jeff already in bed sleeping peacefully, even the dogs, snuggled warmly in their kennels. And I was keenly aware that whatever comes, life goes on.  Peace and happiness triumphs.  And I was pleased. 

As the episode of Doctor Who drew to a close, I startled awake, and watched through my own eyes, as my Brandon interacted with his friends and his girlfriend and I smiled.  He's stronger than I give him credit for.  Wyatt is tough, but so is Brandon. 

Life prepares us everyday even when we are not paying attention, for what comes next.  Sometimes, it takes an out of body moment to help put it all in perspective.

Have You Ever........

Today I was driving to the post office on my lunch break and One of my earrings fell out and down my shirt.  Without thinking about where I was or who was watching I immediately reached into my cleavage and ferreted out the sneaky little devil and put it back in ear before I realized that the old man in the car next to me at the stop light was watching.  Captivated really, at the adventure of wondering what was in my cleavage and what I was digging for. He had toothless grin and took a moment when his arrow turned green before he made his turn.

And then I thought......How many times have I done things in public without thinking about the perception and observations of those who might be watching or listening.  I'm certain that over the years I must have provided some comic relief, some horrified gasps, and some dark fantasy fulfillment that I don't even want to know about.

Have you ever done anything you immediately wished you could take back, or later thought, OMG  what was I thinking?

There are the typical burp and gas passages, they happen in restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, at work, even in the ladies room. And you always sheepishly pretend they are not you and you stare at that other woman across the way as if you can't believe she just did that...which of course she didn't but now everyone thinks she did.....and it works really well.....UNLESS, your hanging with the guys and then you proudly own it.

But what about the cleavage dive, or the wedgie pick, the waste button release, the bra removal, the crusty flick. Haven't You?  If you have, then there is no explanation needed.

How about the car self chat or the self serenade.... both of which are doubly special when you get caught by another driver and you cover by pretending you are having a bluetooth telephone conversation accompanied by a few ear taps and head nods.

When I'm stressed I count my steps and avoid stepping on cracks,  how many times have strangers watched me silently moving my lips counting my steps and thought, crazy whack-a-doodle.

We all have them, things we do without ever thinking, but someone is always watching, even if we don't care or pay attention. That's why I think the goofier the better.  Let it roll, then they won't know if its normal or not.  Was that armpit itch because she was imitating a chimpanzee or because her armpit really itched?  Hmmmm....They may never know.

Haunted Corn Maze

Growing up I never imagined there was such a thing as a corn maze, let alone a haunted corn maze.  Even as a young adult raising my two sons, the idea was foreign and completely unknown to me.  It wasn't until 2006 when I moved to the Great Northwest that I heard about this wonderful and fun way of celebrating the harvest season. Farmers across the region grow corn fields and design intricate patterns within them specifically intending to lead and mislead those who dare to take the challenge and cross the thresh hold. 

It sounds so 'farmer and the dell' to anyone who grew up in a metropolis of traffic and high rises, smog and concrete twisting freeways and noise.  But if you can set aside judgement for just a few hours, you might just have fun.  A lot of it.  A bonfire with cocoa and cider awaits those who escape the night version.  Daytime thrill seekers will find a more family friendly version and a pumpkin patch ripe for the picking. Tractor rides, and hay bales, even berry picking. 

We used to go to a farm on the Washington side of the bridge but we are trying a Sauvie Island on the Portland side this year and very excited because we hear great things about it.

I am directionally challenged in normal situations, so the maze is a big challenge for me. One year we went it took me 2 1/2 hours and the boys had to come find me and guide me out.  Conversely, they usually complete the maze in 15 minutes or less.  This will be our first "Haunted" maze.  Its been raining this week so the ground could be slick with mud.  Lets hope I don't slip and fall. :)  I am after all the clumsiest and most uncoordinated person in the western hemisphere if not on the entire planet. I'm certain a rescue mission awaits the boys.  The conversation may go something like this
 

" Have you seen mom yet"..."Not since we started, you?"..."Yah, I passed her once on our second time through she said she was doing fine and told me to keep going"..."how along ago was that?"......"I Dunno, 30 minutes or so" ...."Well I've been through 4 times and never saw her, which means she is stuck in some dead end somewhere"....."Ya probably,  we should go rescue her before she starts to cry like the last time she got lost"....."O.k.  Let me just warm up by the fire for a few more minutes first"....

 O.k. so, the take away here, is corn mazes are fun, but you should have a partner who can maneuver through them,  unlike me. Yes...I cried the year I got lost for 2 1/2 hours because I thought I was never getting out (it never crossed my mind to just break through the corn stalk walls, duh). My boys are my heroes, but warming their tushes takes priority first. The haunted maze should be an all new twist and I can't wait to try it out.

Awww, Shucks!

Cravings

I awoke this morning and after stretching and stumbling my way out of bed and up the hallway to the restroom where I quickly performed my daily routines to prepare for work since I had overslept by 10 minutes, I didn't immediately notice the subtle but clear presence of a growl deep within my abdomen.  It was still quiet, and I was otherwise preoccupied with all the rushing about and details of getting out the door and to work on time to notice, but it was definitely there.

I pulled my boots on, only after rectifying the fact that I had grabbed two different styles and had to go back to the boot bin under the bed to grab the appropriate match to one already on my left foot; retrieved my charging iPhone, purse, keys were already in the car because my wonderful partner Jeff had already started it for me so that the engine would be warm on this cool and rainy autumn day, and I rushed out the door (after a hug and kiss goodbye).

It wasn't until I was a mile up the road that I suddenly realized I had an overwhelming desire, a CRAVING, for a wonderful warming, soothing Chai Tea Latte.  And thus the topic for my blog today. Cravings......

Pregnancy brings on the cravings.  It's true.  When I was expecting my oldest son, it was Mexican food, funny thing is, he can't stand it.  He likes tacos and plain bean and cheese burritos, but anything spicy, or too flavorful is outside of his comfort zone.  With my youngest it was sushi or any kind of fish.  To this day,  he is the Sushi king of the family, very willing to experiment and try anything new.  Same mom, different kids, different cravings, different outcomes.

But cravings aren't always about food. Sweet, salty, carbs, proteins....  For me, they can be physical, emotional, and mental too.

There are times I simply crave the company of those I love. Companionship and comfort. Laughter or even silent reverie.  Just the presence of someone dear to me is enough to fulfill the emptiness.  There are days that all I want is time with my boys.  5 minutes. 10, minutes, an hour.  whatever they can spare in their busy lives.  Just to see their smiling faces and give them a hug completes me. There are days I crave "ME" time.  Time alone to sit and read a good book, or take a nap, or just write a note to myself. There are days I crave physical contact, a hug, a hand holding mine, the warmth of someone cuddling up next to me, and arm around my shoulders, a hand on my back. Comfort, love, connection.

Ice Cream, Cappuccino, pizza, sushi, Chinese food, a great wedge salad, Chai Tea Latte, or Moroccan Mint Tea, cravings come and cravings go......but they are always about need.. not want. Something we need in the moment, something our body and mind and soul need to be at peace.

Today I stopped at the Cafe' downstairs and bought a Chai Tea Latte on my way to my office.  And now,  I'm good to go.  Today is a good day.

Crunchy Leaves, and Warm Cider

This is the beginning of my favorite time of year as the leaves turn the tree lined streets, fields and pastures into painted postcard wonders.  They are always the same and never alike. The oranges and greens contrasting against each other with hues of violet  and auburn and burnt sienna.  The effects are stunning and the air becomes crisp and cool.  Not quite cold yet but no longer warm with summers heat.

Fall brings out the sweaters and boots, blankets for cozzying up on the couch, the yard work as we prepare for the approaching winter months, and wood piles as I get the fireplace ready for evening fires to warm the house and set a little ambiance. I love a little firelight.

Fall also brings time for reflection.  A time to reflect on the past year as thanksgiving approaches and to think about what I have to be thankful for this year.  It's been a year of healing for me medically, and adjusting to my new limitations while pushing my new boundaries and testing my new limits to see just how much I can do.  Lets face it, I've never been very good at being told what I can't do, so I push the boundaries a lot. :)

I've made some hard choices regarding relationships that were toxic to my recovery and well being, and have conversely happily taken some recent steps in healing others that I look forward to exploring once again.

I don't believe in pretense or putting off the false impression that life is peachy with all of my siblings and family, but I figure 4 out of 6 ain't bad.  Those are numbers I can work with and feel good about. We each live our lives, and have our paths, and I keep mine as honest and open as I can.  To those who are a part of my world, I love and appreciate their presence and the strength I gain simply from knowing they are there. The power I draw from them combined  with that of my friends, is immense, and life sustaining in ways that are immeasurable.  It creates a buoyant positive force that lifts me each day and makes me smile.

My sons and Jeff are the final seal and hard shell on my packaging for life.  They are the inner and outer core of who and why I am. They give me purpose and need and that constant daily love, minute by minute, as the second hand ticks, that reminds me why I breath and to take the next breath. The last year would not have happened without them , and the years to come will rely on them as well.

So I guess you could look at it like a giant peanut M&M = hard shell (The boys and Jeff) + Cushion of chocolate (friends and family) + Peanut Core (The boys and Jeff).  The candy isn't complete without any of the parts. 

Now, I'm gonna go make a cup of warm apple cider, find a tree to watch as the leaves begin to turn, and eat a bag of peanut M&M's.