Still Clumsy

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the clown show that is me.  I am ever increasingly more clumsy and uncoordinated. It's more than hand eye  skill, it's putting one foot in front of the other. It's about walking and chewing gum at the same time.


Now I am a fairly intelligent woman, I converse well with others, I retain knowledge gained, and I use logic to resolve situations.  The problem is, I can't do physically exerting things while my thought processes are in charge. I lose focus, and BAM, down on the mat I go (or the curb, or the treadmill, or simply the floor around me).


No matter how active I want to become, it is clear that with it comes an inherent danger of clumsiness and peril for me. I become a one woman entertainment mecca for those observing. The living embodiment of a blooper real in everyday life. If video was rolling when I'm around, buckets of cash could be made off the lunacy of my failures.


"The treadmill is my friend", a mantra I should repeat a thousand times each day before I go to the gym. Maybe then it wouldn't kick my butt. It's clear that walking is my thing. Running is out of the question because that requires me to let go of the hand rails and, yep you guessed it....Splat.


Heck there are days a pine cone on the driveway trips me up, what makes anyone think putting me on a fast paced moving walkway could offer anything but trouble. Today's bumps and bruises make it clear that regardless of training, active lifestyle choices, or simple healthy living, I will always be a klutz. I have to focus on the task at hand and as soon as a distraction or random thought enters the picture, it's time for the laugh track.


Born clumsy, grew up clumsy, still clumsy. If I don't laugh at myself I might cry. It's easier to take it lightly and know where my strengths are and are not.  I have to laugh, it's quite the comical picture.

First Love Thyself

They say in order to love others we must first love ourselves.  This is tough because we are our biggest critics. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else can ever be.

I have spent the greatest part of my life, banging my fist against concrete walls fighting this battle. Too many wounds from childhood and early adulthood left me with deep rooted scars that made it difficult to believe in myself. How do you love yourself, when you see yourself as unlovable.  An uphill battle for certain.  But this year has been all about uphill battles and overcoming them.

I can climb hills now, and even though I am out of breath when I am through, I have a feeling of victory and accomplishment when I succeed. 

Learning to love myself is no different.  I have learned to accept my limitations, my flaws, and my eccentricities and to elevate them to positives.  I am so lucky for the life I have, for the love of my sons and my friends.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I love being me. Its not easy. I am a challenge. I am stubborn and opinionated. I am both independent but conversely need affirmation of my value. I am complex and difficult, but I am also fiercely loyal, loving, kind, and generous. I am silly and funny and ridiculously goofy at times. 

For years, the idea of having my picture taken was frightening. The idea of seeing myself the way others see me, was terrifying.  But no more......My face book profile, once littered with landscapes and wildlife, now has my face.  Its not always polished and perfect, but its me, and I'm happy and I'm smiling.

I've learned to love myself, despite all the self doubt I once drowned in, and I love deeper, better,  & stronger for it.

Summer in the Northwest this year is in full force and its not the same.  We have had what I would affectionately term a So Cal Summer.  More days in the mid to high 90's than ever before and my usually green and luscious state is "browning" out.  With the lack of rain fields are no longer green, yards, unlike our neighbors to the south, don;t typically have automatic sprinkler systems and quickly turn to straw.

Don't get me wrong, its amazing weather for activities and enjoying the outdoors, but the aesthetics, the "pretty" is just not there. 

We are hiking and golfing and swimming and loving the warm summer days and easy summer nights.  But in all truth...I look forward to the fall with the changing leaves and colors. I look forward to cooler days and nights.  I love my sweaters and boots and leggings.

Summer has been different this year. It feels like a planetary shift. Like every ones weather is changing. Small changes, nothing catastrophic, but definite climate shifts. Maybe its the preponderance of large earthquakes and shifting forces within the Earths core over the past few years. Maybe we are facing another major evolutionary event.  Maybe,  Maybe, Maybe, but in the big scheme I am but an ant enjoying my day in the sun, or the rain....bring back the rain. I miss the green.