Not Gonna Lie, Feeling a LIttle Anxiety.....

This week is a big week for me.  There is of course the typical annual due date for income taxes, but that doesn't bother me, I file electronically every January using Turbo Tax and by April 15th it's all a distant memory.

The week is important for me because my youngest son, Wyatt, has his birthday on the 17th.  This year is different because he turns 18, and my role as mom changes. He legally becomes an adult and the dynamic between he and I will evolve. I'm not anxious about it. I've been through it before with his older brother and it takes time to adjust, but its a good thing.  I am admittedly a little sad as an era and chapter in my life comes to a close. But a new one is just beginning and that's exciting. I can embrace this change, in time..... :) Not without its moments of tears, but I am confident that I did my job well and provided both of my sons with the solid core of morals and substance on which to build their futures.  Now it will be up to them to make those choices.  They know, undoubtedly that I will always be here, should they need me.....or at least I will try. And therein lies my anxiety..........................

I am grateful this week for Wyatt's chaotic and ever busy social life. Usually it drives me crazy, but this week, its keeping me occupied and that's good. He is keeping me occupied with prom, and track, tuxedo, cell phone, and other appointments and needs, and it's all a distraction that keeps me from obsessively worrying and focusing on the pain in my chest and the difficulty I have breathing when I exercise. The lightheadedness when I bend over to pick something up, the loss of equilibrium, the headaches which seem to be coming more frequently, and the overwhelming, at times debilitating fear I have regarding upcoming health diagnostic tests.

April 7th was my official 6 month post PE date. This is significant medically because its the marker in which they use to begin determining if the residual heart and lung damage is repairable or permanent. Assuming in the first 6 months that healing is occurring, anything post 6 months can then be gauged.

My first step is an Echo cardiogram this Friday a the Providence Heart Center.  The focus is on the right heart valve and the pulmonary vessels of the lungs. If I think too much, the anxiety cripples me and I lose all focus on daily activities and responsibilities.  Staying busy helps.  Wyatt is playing his role perfectly, without even realizing it. To him its just business as usual, a 17 year old, soon to be 18, who sees his life as priority and for today....for this week.......I can role with that. 

I will always be here for my boys....even when they are men......with families of their own.....for as long as I have the strength and power to do so.