Emptying the nest........

 

I have been mom for nearly 21 years.  Longer than that if you count the 9 months I carried my oldest son.  Being mom has been the biggest and most important part of my identity for so long, that I am realizing it's going to be quite the shift for me to rediscover and invent a new me.

Brandon moved out into his first apartment last week, and it was harder than I thought it would be.  Leading up to the move, I was all helpful and instructive.  Typical mom stuff.  But at the end of the day when we were all done and sat down together at Round Table to have a little Pizza for dinner after a long hard day of moving, it hit me.   When we parted ways after dinner, he would be going 'HOME".  Not to my home, the only home he ever knew, but to "HIS HOME". His place, his space. And the damn broke and tears started slowly trickling down my cheeks. I tried to silently sturdy myself and smile, but everyone noticed anyway. Brandon, reassured me that he would visit and stop by often and that he loved me,  but in the moment all I could feel was panic.

I know that being 'Mom" never ends. I trust that my children will always need me in some way or other, but my role was shifting, and as proud as I was, I was also sad, and like any mom, worried.  Who would make sure he took the dishes out of his bedroom and into the kitchen?  Who would make sure the dishes got cleaned and put away. Who would clean the bathroom? Who would make sure he ate and had clean clothes to wear. Who would wake him up for work and school and remind him to do his homework? The answer to everything became "he would".

I have spent 21 years preparing him to be an adult, to start his own life and build his own future and the starting gun just went off.  On your Mark..Get set...Go. His journey is just beginning while a part of mine draws to a close.

I have one child left and only a handful of time  before he too starts his journey.  My marathon is coming to an end and I'm not clear on what comes next.

Can Jeff and I find things to fill the emptiness in my heart and home? I think so...he has committed and promised to help me through it. But I feel a little lost directionally. Right or left...North is South and East is West.  I know there are great adventures left to be experienced, but even with all the warning we get as young mothers that someday they will leave....I don't think we are ever truly prepared.  Maybe  we are not supposed to be. If it was easy to let go, then what kind of mother would I be?

No matter what path they take, all I can do is make sure my sons know, that I am always here for them. All they need do is ask.

My nest is one bird shy today and soon it will be empty. Its inevitable and scary but really makes me proud too.

Serenity

I have never been an alcoholic or an addict. I think I just don't have the attention span to maintain an addictive personality. Its not a judgement against anyone. I have great empathy and respect for those who struggle with addiction and overcome it, I just have never dealt with it personally.  I do however appreciate some of the mantras they follow in their path to enlightenment and recovery. The Serenity prayer is actually quite inspiring and applicable to so many challenges we all face in life. It is beautiful and if taken seriously can truly result in a comforting peace and calm.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I can change my underwear, my hair color, and my shoes. I can change jobs, homes, and even my eye color if I want to thanks to color contact lenses. I can change my toothpaste, my diet, and my morning routine.  These are all things I can change and feel good about them. They are tangible and simple.

I can also change more complex things. I can change the way I handle adversity when it comes my way. I can chose to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. I can chose to change relationships in all aspects of my life, if they make me unhappy or feel unhealthy, by letting them go.  I can change my expectations by accepting reality and letting go of fantasy.  These are all more difficult changes,  but with dedication and effort they too can be accomplished and better my life.

I can accept the things I cannot change. I can't change the weather, so I accept it and find beauty in every season. I can't change other people and the way they chose to see the world and specifically me, so I let them go. I can't change the past, its already happened, and can't be undone, so I chose to hold tight to the hard earned wisdom of its' lessons. I can't change whatever fate has in store for me, though through a series of choices I might be able to alter it, so I run forward with the determination to make every day, every experience worth it.

Life is odd but wonderful, painful but rewarding all at the same time. You can waste years of your life waiting for others to accept you. You can question yourself, your worth, your existence, even your place in life based on the rejection or acceptance of others.   But in the end, the only person who has to accept you, is yourself. If you can look in the mirror each day and see someone worthy, then you are on the path to Serenity. You can't change the hearts of others. Rather family, friend, or simple acquaintance, it is only within your power to change you.  If someone or something causes you to feel bad, change it. Walk away and don't look back.

Serenity is a goal we should all reach to attain. It makes sense in a world fraught with challenge. Change only what you can and accept that which you cannot. Learn to identify which is which and you will be a whole lot happier.

Spring Forward....Why?

Spring has sprung and I can feel it in my bones. Its in the air, you can smell it.

The clouds yield way to more frequent blue skies. There is a briskness in the morning air that gives lead to more comfortable albeit still cool but not cold days.  The plumeria, jasmine, and lavender all begin to bloom.  Winter is slowly packing it's bags and heading out, though not without one or two final cold fronts. And days are once again longer.

I love this time of year.  The grass is thick and green and the smell of fresh mowed lawns fills the air.  The daffodils are the first thing to bloom and  they remind me it's time to plant the tomatoes. 

But with spring comes daylight savings time.  Here I am two weeks in and I still haven't found that hour I lost. And that leaves me to question, Why exactly did I lose it? I understand the history of Daylight savings and the ill advised logic that resulted in it (thank you Benjamin Franklin), but why do we continue it still?  Not everyone observes it and that only helps to confuse matters in world time. The hours of sunlight will get longer with the season rather we change the clocks or not. Is it really necessary to adjust the clocks so that we still have light of day at 9:30 p.m.? I am all for setting my clock and leaving it year round. The day is 24 hours no matter how you slice it, and the sun will rise and set, so let it be.  By the way, if anybody finds my lost hour of sleep that happened when time sprang forward, please return it. I could seriously use it.

With spring comes track and field events at the high school. The dogs are shedding their winter coats so when I bathe them the tub turns into a hairy monster. The squirrels are once again running the fence, leaping onto the top of the bird feeder to knock the roof off and eat the seed inside. The ants are coming out of hibernation and exploring the kitchen counter and cupboards as well as the bathroom for nonexistent food sources. Do I kill them or let them carry the message back to their queen that their efforts are futile? If I kill them and they don't make it back, she will just send more. Aww, screw it, I'm killing them. Have you ever noticed that they smell like black licorice when you squash them. Odd.

Spring is about throwing off the heavy covers of winter and making things fresh and light and clean.  This week I will clean out closets, windex the windows, and de-clutter (though I don't really clutter to begin with).

Jeff turns 48 on Friday and our month long celebration will finally draw to a close. It's been fun, but time to move on to another event. Easter is right around the corner. Yet another key sign of spring.

I'm feeling the need for a some lightening of the load and thinning of the cupboards.  I'll get on right on that. What will you do to make thing feel fresh and new this spring?