Brandon moved out into his first apartment last week, and it was harder than I thought it would be. Leading up to the move, I was all helpful and instructive. Typical mom stuff. But at the end of the day when we were all done and sat down together at Round Table to have a little Pizza for dinner after a long hard day of moving, it hit me. When we parted ways after dinner, he would be going 'HOME". Not to my home, the only home he ever knew, but to "HIS HOME". His place, his space. And the damn broke and tears started slowly trickling down my cheeks. I tried to silently sturdy myself and smile, but everyone noticed anyway. Brandon, reassured me that he would visit and stop by often and that he loved me, but in the moment all I could feel was panic.
I know that being 'Mom" never ends. I trust that my children will always need me in some way or other, but my role was shifting, and as proud as I was, I was also sad, and like any mom, worried. Who would make sure he took the dishes out of his bedroom and into the kitchen? Who would make sure the dishes got cleaned and put away. Who would clean the bathroom? Who would make sure he ate and had clean clothes to wear. Who would wake him up for work and school and remind him to do his homework? The answer to everything became "he would".
I have spent 21 years preparing him to be an adult, to start his own life and build his own future and the starting gun just went off. On your Mark..Get set...Go. His journey is just beginning while a part of mine draws to a close.
I have one child left and only a handful of time before he too starts his journey. My marathon is coming to an end and I'm not clear on what comes next.
Can Jeff and I find things to fill the emptiness in my heart and home? I think so...he has committed and promised to help me through it. But I feel a little lost directionally. Right or left...North is South and East is West. I know there are great adventures left to be experienced, but even with all the warning we get as young mothers that someday they will leave....I don't think we are ever truly prepared. Maybe we are not supposed to be. If it was easy to let go, then what kind of mother would I be?
No matter what path they take, all I can do is make sure my sons know, that I am always here for them. All they need do is ask.
My nest is one bird shy today and soon it will be empty. Its inevitable and scary but really makes me proud too.
When Jennifer left the nest, she did it gradually. She would spend the night at her husband to be family's home. A night here, a night there. And than it was the whole weekend, and than a week...So when she finally moved in with them, it was ok on my end. I was missing her terribly, but it was ok. But when Kristopher moved out when he was 18, I cried for days. I couldn't even go to work..haha...3 months later, he was back home. He met his ex-wife and they got an apt together, and it was alright again. Yes, it is hard, and like you said, who was going to make sure they ate dinner? Or know that they are home safe at night? It does get easier. Both kids moved out, the dogs died, and we were alone all of a sudden. That was when we started going out every Saturday night and not having to get back home for the kids or dogs...lol..Come full circle, I have my mom with me now. :)
ReplyDeleteBrandon was like Jennifer, gradually acclimating me to his absence, but even then I still miss him too much. I am certain when Wyatt goes the world will come to a crushing halt. At least am still "Mom" with him home. When he's gone.....Who knows what kind of blubbering idiot I'll be. LOL
DeleteAnd don't forget that menopause is there when your kids decide to leave. That alone will make you cry at the drop of a hat. lol
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