Wrapping it Up and Putting Bow on it

As 2014 comes to an official close, I sit here in front of my key board and I take a deep breath and sigh of relief.  It's been a good year. Not without it's challenges.....what would life be without a little challenge after all,  but it has been a year of more highs than lows and one which is ending on an upswing.

Any year which ends with a desire to see the ball drop and hear the horns beep, is a good one. It's the years that make you want to crawl under the covers and sleep away the last moments pretending it never happened that are to be forgotten, and yet..... somehow never are. 

This year I saw my boys mature a little more, as they each faced their own life challenges and came out wiser, stronger, better. I faced my own health head on determined to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure I remain as relevant and vibrant a part of my children and someday grandchildren lives as long as possible. This year Jeff and I completed another year as a couple bringing us 1 year closer to our 10th anniversary. 

I discovered this year that each of us truly do have our own truths and paths to walk and sometimes convergence takes its' sweet ass time in bringing us together.  Many times in life we converge, then circumstances pull us apart. But if we are patient and forgiving enough, convergence can happen again if we allow our hearts and minds to accept it.

There are those paths that are intended to never converge, too toxic to the soul to contemplate, but they are fewer and much more evident and clear making them easy to avoid.

I have been fortunate to have found my paths and my lines of convergence brightly lit. It's as if someone walked before me lighting torches along the way so I wouldn;t get lost. Thnak you for that greater universe. :)

This year as I ring out the old and in the new I will be holding in my heart a sister, two brothers, two sons, a love who cares for me deeper than I could ever dream, and more friends than I could ever count.

I am loved, and I love, I laugh and I bring laughter to others, I smile and I make others smile, and I hope....I always hope.....never ending hope...............For a Happy and successful 2015.

Like Liquid Mercury

Life is fluid.  It ebbs and flows. Like a water droplet on the back of your hand, its path is unpredictable and chaos. It will chose its own way and all you can do is flow with it or fight the current.  If you struggle.....you risk drowning...your best option is to grab your life vest or preserver and flow with it. 

Sometimes it's a babbling brook or a trickling faucet, and other times its the roar of a mighty water fall or white rapids of the icy snow melt as they make their way to the seas.

There are days its more like liquid mercury, fluid but deceptive, shape changing, morphing itself from one pool into another...dividing...converging....dividing again...and once again coming back together.

There are days the temperature of life is ice cold, frigid.  And others it is scalding hot to the soul.  I prefer the days of warm and soothing or simply cool and refreshing. But.....don't we all? Or do we?  Some people thrive on the chaos...it reminds them of just how alive they are. It energizes them and provides them with a purpose to fight.

I think the chaos and the fight are for the young. I think I've faced my share of chaos and fight on life's terms, and now a little smooth water would be perfect.  Soft filtered water...perhaps a nice salt soak to help soothe my aching muscles. :)

Life is fluid,  mine is far from over, and I've many more seas to sail and storms to weather before I'm through, but for now,  a nice calming moment would be nice. 

I'm good at going with the flow...I've nailed that down....but today I'm planting my feet firmly out of the current.

An Out of Body Moment in Time

Sometimes we take the little things for granted....I work very hard not to do this. I know how lucky I am. I know how amazing each day of life can be, rather its simply relaxing at home, or on the go.

I know how valuable each moment with my children and friends and partner Jeff are.  I know how lucky I am to have them with me, to love and support, and inspire me.

But sometimes....Sometimes.....It takes that extra push, to really hit it home.

This weekend I took my boys for out annual corn maze adventure.  We tried a new venue this year and it was fun.  It was quite the adventure with two mazes to complete. One Haunted and one just crazy difficult.  Both were quite long and it was dark and rainy which meant the ground was a soupy muddy mess, but boy....was it fun.  I had a great time and found that even though the walking was extensive and treacherous at times, it was with my boys and the idea of spending time with them inspired me to keep up.

Saturday was all about the cleaning and cooking.  Sunday was a hodgepodge of things but wrapped up with a visit from Brandon and his friends.  Wyatt stopped by (he was spending the night at Jordains in Vancouver and going to work from there in the morning) to pick up his boots, he wasn't staying home, but hung our for a bit, and for a short while both boys kept me company.  Then as the evening moved on and Doctor Who took over, I sat comfortably in the recliner in the company of my eldest son, two of his best friends and the girl he loves, and I smiled. 

Without realizing it I began to fade into a light sleep, but this was oddly different... I wasn't really asleep.  My breathing was slow and rhythmic my eyes were closed but I  wasn't sitting in the chair, I was across the room by the fireplace observing. Quietly, peacefully observing the perfect moment. My Son and his friends and...... me.  A moment of bliss and happiness. Laughter and hope.  I was comforted seeing him joyful and content. Knowing that he had found his place and direction in life.  I knew my body was resting in that recliner, so I took a moment to walk through the house and take stock. Thinking of life beyond me. Wyatt as an adult, Jeff already in bed sleeping peacefully, even the dogs, snuggled warmly in their kennels. And I was keenly aware that whatever comes, life goes on.  Peace and happiness triumphs.  And I was pleased. 

As the episode of Doctor Who drew to a close, I startled awake, and watched through my own eyes, as my Brandon interacted with his friends and his girlfriend and I smiled.  He's stronger than I give him credit for.  Wyatt is tough, but so is Brandon. 

Life prepares us everyday even when we are not paying attention, for what comes next.  Sometimes, it takes an out of body moment to help put it all in perspective.

Have You Ever........

Today I was driving to the post office on my lunch break and One of my earrings fell out and down my shirt.  Without thinking about where I was or who was watching I immediately reached into my cleavage and ferreted out the sneaky little devil and put it back in ear before I realized that the old man in the car next to me at the stop light was watching.  Captivated really, at the adventure of wondering what was in my cleavage and what I was digging for. He had toothless grin and took a moment when his arrow turned green before he made his turn.

And then I thought......How many times have I done things in public without thinking about the perception and observations of those who might be watching or listening.  I'm certain that over the years I must have provided some comic relief, some horrified gasps, and some dark fantasy fulfillment that I don't even want to know about.

Have you ever done anything you immediately wished you could take back, or later thought, OMG  what was I thinking?

There are the typical burp and gas passages, they happen in restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, at work, even in the ladies room. And you always sheepishly pretend they are not you and you stare at that other woman across the way as if you can't believe she just did that...which of course she didn't but now everyone thinks she did.....and it works really well.....UNLESS, your hanging with the guys and then you proudly own it.

But what about the cleavage dive, or the wedgie pick, the waste button release, the bra removal, the crusty flick. Haven't You?  If you have, then there is no explanation needed.

How about the car self chat or the self serenade.... both of which are doubly special when you get caught by another driver and you cover by pretending you are having a bluetooth telephone conversation accompanied by a few ear taps and head nods.

When I'm stressed I count my steps and avoid stepping on cracks,  how many times have strangers watched me silently moving my lips counting my steps and thought, crazy whack-a-doodle.

We all have them, things we do without ever thinking, but someone is always watching, even if we don't care or pay attention. That's why I think the goofier the better.  Let it roll, then they won't know if its normal or not.  Was that armpit itch because she was imitating a chimpanzee or because her armpit really itched?  Hmmmm....They may never know.

Haunted Corn Maze

Growing up I never imagined there was such a thing as a corn maze, let alone a haunted corn maze.  Even as a young adult raising my two sons, the idea was foreign and completely unknown to me.  It wasn't until 2006 when I moved to the Great Northwest that I heard about this wonderful and fun way of celebrating the harvest season. Farmers across the region grow corn fields and design intricate patterns within them specifically intending to lead and mislead those who dare to take the challenge and cross the thresh hold. 

It sounds so 'farmer and the dell' to anyone who grew up in a metropolis of traffic and high rises, smog and concrete twisting freeways and noise.  But if you can set aside judgement for just a few hours, you might just have fun.  A lot of it.  A bonfire with cocoa and cider awaits those who escape the night version.  Daytime thrill seekers will find a more family friendly version and a pumpkin patch ripe for the picking. Tractor rides, and hay bales, even berry picking. 

We used to go to a farm on the Washington side of the bridge but we are trying a Sauvie Island on the Portland side this year and very excited because we hear great things about it.

I am directionally challenged in normal situations, so the maze is a big challenge for me. One year we went it took me 2 1/2 hours and the boys had to come find me and guide me out.  Conversely, they usually complete the maze in 15 minutes or less.  This will be our first "Haunted" maze.  Its been raining this week so the ground could be slick with mud.  Lets hope I don't slip and fall. :)  I am after all the clumsiest and most uncoordinated person in the western hemisphere if not on the entire planet. I'm certain a rescue mission awaits the boys.  The conversation may go something like this
 

" Have you seen mom yet"..."Not since we started, you?"..."Yah, I passed her once on our second time through she said she was doing fine and told me to keep going"..."how along ago was that?"......"I Dunno, 30 minutes or so" ...."Well I've been through 4 times and never saw her, which means she is stuck in some dead end somewhere"....."Ya probably,  we should go rescue her before she starts to cry like the last time she got lost"....."O.k.  Let me just warm up by the fire for a few more minutes first"....

 O.k. so, the take away here, is corn mazes are fun, but you should have a partner who can maneuver through them,  unlike me. Yes...I cried the year I got lost for 2 1/2 hours because I thought I was never getting out (it never crossed my mind to just break through the corn stalk walls, duh). My boys are my heroes, but warming their tushes takes priority first. The haunted maze should be an all new twist and I can't wait to try it out.

Awww, Shucks!

Cravings

I awoke this morning and after stretching and stumbling my way out of bed and up the hallway to the restroom where I quickly performed my daily routines to prepare for work since I had overslept by 10 minutes, I didn't immediately notice the subtle but clear presence of a growl deep within my abdomen.  It was still quiet, and I was otherwise preoccupied with all the rushing about and details of getting out the door and to work on time to notice, but it was definitely there.

I pulled my boots on, only after rectifying the fact that I had grabbed two different styles and had to go back to the boot bin under the bed to grab the appropriate match to one already on my left foot; retrieved my charging iPhone, purse, keys were already in the car because my wonderful partner Jeff had already started it for me so that the engine would be warm on this cool and rainy autumn day, and I rushed out the door (after a hug and kiss goodbye).

It wasn't until I was a mile up the road that I suddenly realized I had an overwhelming desire, a CRAVING, for a wonderful warming, soothing Chai Tea Latte.  And thus the topic for my blog today. Cravings......

Pregnancy brings on the cravings.  It's true.  When I was expecting my oldest son, it was Mexican food, funny thing is, he can't stand it.  He likes tacos and plain bean and cheese burritos, but anything spicy, or too flavorful is outside of his comfort zone.  With my youngest it was sushi or any kind of fish.  To this day,  he is the Sushi king of the family, very willing to experiment and try anything new.  Same mom, different kids, different cravings, different outcomes.

But cravings aren't always about food. Sweet, salty, carbs, proteins....  For me, they can be physical, emotional, and mental too.

There are times I simply crave the company of those I love. Companionship and comfort. Laughter or even silent reverie.  Just the presence of someone dear to me is enough to fulfill the emptiness.  There are days that all I want is time with my boys.  5 minutes. 10, minutes, an hour.  whatever they can spare in their busy lives.  Just to see their smiling faces and give them a hug completes me. There are days I crave "ME" time.  Time alone to sit and read a good book, or take a nap, or just write a note to myself. There are days I crave physical contact, a hug, a hand holding mine, the warmth of someone cuddling up next to me, and arm around my shoulders, a hand on my back. Comfort, love, connection.

Ice Cream, Cappuccino, pizza, sushi, Chinese food, a great wedge salad, Chai Tea Latte, or Moroccan Mint Tea, cravings come and cravings go......but they are always about need.. not want. Something we need in the moment, something our body and mind and soul need to be at peace.

Today I stopped at the Cafe' downstairs and bought a Chai Tea Latte on my way to my office.  And now,  I'm good to go.  Today is a good day.

Crunchy Leaves, and Warm Cider

This is the beginning of my favorite time of year as the leaves turn the tree lined streets, fields and pastures into painted postcard wonders.  They are always the same and never alike. The oranges and greens contrasting against each other with hues of violet  and auburn and burnt sienna.  The effects are stunning and the air becomes crisp and cool.  Not quite cold yet but no longer warm with summers heat.

Fall brings out the sweaters and boots, blankets for cozzying up on the couch, the yard work as we prepare for the approaching winter months, and wood piles as I get the fireplace ready for evening fires to warm the house and set a little ambiance. I love a little firelight.

Fall also brings time for reflection.  A time to reflect on the past year as thanksgiving approaches and to think about what I have to be thankful for this year.  It's been a year of healing for me medically, and adjusting to my new limitations while pushing my new boundaries and testing my new limits to see just how much I can do.  Lets face it, I've never been very good at being told what I can't do, so I push the boundaries a lot. :)

I've made some hard choices regarding relationships that were toxic to my recovery and well being, and have conversely happily taken some recent steps in healing others that I look forward to exploring once again.

I don't believe in pretense or putting off the false impression that life is peachy with all of my siblings and family, but I figure 4 out of 6 ain't bad.  Those are numbers I can work with and feel good about. We each live our lives, and have our paths, and I keep mine as honest and open as I can.  To those who are a part of my world, I love and appreciate their presence and the strength I gain simply from knowing they are there. The power I draw from them combined  with that of my friends, is immense, and life sustaining in ways that are immeasurable.  It creates a buoyant positive force that lifts me each day and makes me smile.

My sons and Jeff are the final seal and hard shell on my packaging for life.  They are the inner and outer core of who and why I am. They give me purpose and need and that constant daily love, minute by minute, as the second hand ticks, that reminds me why I breath and to take the next breath. The last year would not have happened without them , and the years to come will rely on them as well.

So I guess you could look at it like a giant peanut M&M = hard shell (The boys and Jeff) + Cushion of chocolate (friends and family) + Peanut Core (The boys and Jeff).  The candy isn't complete without any of the parts. 

Now, I'm gonna go make a cup of warm apple cider, find a tree to watch as the leaves begin to turn, and eat a bag of peanut M&M's.

Cards Against Humanity...Irreverant but Funny

Apple to Apples it isn't......it's similar.....but if you are expecting a PG rated evening of silly answers and mildly provocative topics.......this is not your game. 

Cards against Humanity is the 20 something generations version of Apples to Apples on Steroids and a fifth of vodka with a xanax and a 151 shooter.

It is irreverent and crosses the censorship ratings of what today could be considered M/A for mature audiences only. However, most of those playing may not necessarily be considered or meet the definition of "mature" during gameplay.

Cards against humanity is a topical card game which allows the players to delve into their dark side and complete the phrases with the cynical and sometimes depraved answers they would never dare to speak aloud in normal conversation.  And yet, at a table filled with diverse players and friends from all walks, no offenses are taken. Laughter  roars and the game rolls on.

I admit I was at first shocked at the nature of the questions and answers. But after a short period of observation, I too began to laugh.  I know....I know.....Most of those from my generation simply would NEVER understand......but I did. Maybe its having children at a a later age and understanding the generation. But, I even found myself willing to join in. 

Its not for the sensitive or easily offended.  It can be dark, racist, sexually explicit, and irreverent in a million and one ways....but....if you take it with a grain of salt and realize it is meant to be humorous like a raunchy comedic act, it can be just as fun as all the other games in your arsenal.

Caution...this is an adults only game. It is not a family friendly game for all ages.  Not recommended for children under the age of 18 (they should not even be in listening distance). But if you want to spice things up and shake off the boredom....this will do it.

Picken, Picken, and more Picken.....

Everywhere I turn this week someone is picking. Nose pickers at every stop and every turn.  There are the pickers who flick it , the pickers who carefully inspect it, and the pickers who wipe it on their britches. There are the pickers who ever so slyly eat it, that's right...Eat it, and the dainty ones who pick it from beneath their nails and eventually wipe it on a tissue, which...by the way..should have been used to begin with. They are at stop lights, on the freeway, in crosswalks, grocery store checkout lines. Even in their office cubicles.  Pickers!

Pickers of Seats.  No not picking a seat to sit in...the other kind,  picking their pants and undies and whatever else ails them out of their butt cracks. They are picking, pulling and tugging. Subtly and not so subtly lifting their skirts and dresses to free the wedgie, or stuffing their sausage fingers down their greased stained jeans to itch and pick the not so comfortable behind. Could it be an atomic wedgie, a poorly fitted thong, a remnant piece of toilet paper? Whatever the cause, take it into the stall people. There is nothing subtle about picking your ass in public.

And of course...we can never overlook the ever wonderful and oh so appetizing scab pickers.  Sit on a Max line for more than 5 minutes and your bound to see one.  Someone picking at their scabs. Scratching, peeling, pick..pick...Pick. Aha, got it, and now the ooze and blood.  They either flick the scab, like the afore mentioned booger picker, or they eat it. And as for the blood, well much akin to a vampire, most chose to lick the blood or suck on  the wound until it stops.  Ever so appealing and appetizing to observe. Scab pickers are fascinating because, unlike other pickers, they will share how "gnarly" that was with their friends and those around them. Subtlety is not a requirement.

I think I might have discovered a new diet craze.  Its called the Picker Diet. Look for pickers in their various forms and observe them in their native habitats and.....**poof**....instant weight loss. Loss of appetite is guaranteed. Side effects may include vomiting, queasiness, and nightmares.

One Mile At a Time

When I suddenly and without warning found myself critically ill last fall, my life changed forever. In many ways life became more than I ever expected but so did my limitations. Life became bigger and brighter, fuller and more challenging, but darker and smaller and more confining and in the same moment. A battle of contradictions and the need for me to learn to find my walls and know when I hit them and when to climb over them or just sit this one out.

For a while,as critical recovery took place, the concept of ALL travel had vanished from from future.  But as I get better, as I build my new norms and learn to construct my new road map, I get to establish my own idea of limitations.

I am only limited by that which I allow myself to be constrained.  All limitations have solutions and boundaries which can be surmounted with enough effort and forethought.

Stress is a big conveyor of blood disorders.  It causes high blood pressure for those prone to it, it causes heart issues, headaches, depression, digestive and sleep issues. Stress is clearly something to avoid. So step #1 when planning a vacation or trip......choose something you will enjoy, something relaxing and that you look forward to.  If the idea of your trip causes you great anxiety and the destination brings with it a feeling of dread, then its not a vacation.  Don't do it.  Step #2 ...Plan, but don't plan. Have a plan in place, but be flexible. Be willing to adjust.  You don't have to have all your hotels booked ahead of time (This is so hard for the OCD personality like mine).  Your ultimate destination hotel is wise, but the little stops along the way can change, so wait.  Sometimes you can get really great deals on short notice.  There will always be a room to be found. And you never know exactly where your journey might take you. Have a little faith. Step #3...take your time.  Stop frequently, stretch, relax, take detours, and just breath. Enjoy the journey (thus the reason for #2).  For me, road trips, especially to areas of high elevation can be dangerous to my ongoing health.  Therefore frequent stops, lots of water, and movement are critical. But after this trip, I think that practice should be the norm for everyone.  It makes the journey so much better. Cramming a 12 hour drive into a single move with only gas and restroom breaks is torture on everyone.  Take the time to relax, stop every 2-3 hours and really stretch, relax, and appreciate where you are (15-30 minutes minimum). Stop if you need to stop. Drive if you want to drive. And get a good solid nights rest each and every day.

I believed the idea of a road trip was forever out of my reach, but with the proper planning and time frame, we made it work. And it was AWESOME! There was no stress, no pressure, no dread, just time and appreciation and marvel.  We drove one mile at a time, and it was the best journey I've ever taken. The American Road trip can be a dream if done the right way. From Portland to Yellowstone and back in 7 days.  It ain't bad.

I'm Just a Simple Girl

I'm just a simple girl. I like things simple and clean. I'm not big on clutter and over indulgence. KISS.....is more my style....Keep It Simple Silly.

I can be powerfully independent if need be, but I like having a man to fix things for me. It's not that I can't fix them myself, but it's nice having someone to take the burden for me. I don't like bugs or anything creepy crawly.  I can go soldier brutal on their tiny little army all on my own, but if I can step back and let someone else take the creep factor out of my day......I'm not above playing the girl card.

I don't like slimy, greasy, or smelly things.  I prefer not to partake in hard manual labor. I'm not opposed to heavy lifting or cleaning, within ladylike limits (10-15 lbs.)  I am more of an organizer and detail girl not the nitty gritty down in the grind guy.

I like wearing sandals and fashion boots and pretty dresses. I wear delicate scents, clean and fresh. The skin on my knees and hands are delicate and thats because I dont get down on the ground and wear callouses on them.

It's a matter of choice. Am I capable of doing some of the things I ask of my man? Well.......of course I am. I am an intelligent grown woman perfectly capable of a great number of things and able to resolve any problem I face or encounter.  I am logical yet intuitive, I am creative yet methodical. However....I enjoy being a woman and allowing myself to be cared for. Taking as step back and being feminine and gentle enough to say thank you and please.  Its a fine line but one I walk with grace.  I appreciate having a man who is willing to take on the things I less prefer and cares enough to want to.

I don't like facing that giant spider on the wall, or shoveling the poop out of the yard. But I do enjoy the comfort of relaxing in the spider free room or enjoying the cool summer night while watching the stars in a poop free zone.

The perks of being a simple girl, wearing dresses, being feminine......He gets pretty and sweet, helpful and kind, and I get manicured lawns, spider free corners, and and someone to cuddle with at night.

Glenda - Soul Sister

Today I'm going to write about my dear friend Glenda. I feel compelled to explain why I feel convinced, once again that family is not about blood, it is about heart and soul.

We all know, whatever doctrine we subscribe too, that before we enter this realm we existed in a spirit realm waiting to be born.  That's where we all take a different fork in the road. I believe we communed with our friends and we were family bound by love and kindness. We were genuine and selfless and we awaited our turns for a vessel in which we would pass through this realm, a blink in time on our learning path through eternal time. One existence informing another.

Part of our challenge here, is that many of the friends we called family in that spirit realm are waiting for us to find them as they to are trying to find us. Its like going to the DMV and taking a number ticket from the machine and waiting in line. Sometimes you might end up at the same ticket window (or in the same family if the vessel is available), but more often that not, you end up somewhere else and the journey begins to find your way back.  Passing through mortality is not like signing up for match dot com where they found the siblings that had the most interests and traits in common with you and were the perfect fit, it was luck of the draw. 99% of us find we have little in common with our birth families besides a small amount of genetic material.  It's true, most of us grow up then grow apart and go our separate ways.

Family is where are heart takes us. Our souls are like divining rods continually pulling us towards something or someone. A compass to guide us home. We often feel obligated to fulfill the neo-traditional familial roles. To try to maintain those links and those bonds even when they don't feel natural. But there is no shame in the realization that the real bond lies elsewhere.  You can appreciate where you've been and the people who were a part of that, but at the same time, its OK to admit that your joy is found more fully somewhere else. Sometimes life begins by letting go. Changing your expectations of yourself and others and simply following your heart. It may lead to family, it may lead to friends, but it will always lead soul to soul.

Glenda is like a big sister to me. She has wisdom and kindness I cherish, and yet she values my wisdom as well. We are equals and yet we are both individuals with lives fully lived and experiences to guide us. Glenda is one stop on my way,... a  point on my compass which tells me I'm heading the right direction. I'm gathering my spirit family one by one and it grows all the time. She is an important part of it.  I know this for certain.... I count her amongst my most cherished, and my search never ends. My heart is always open.

Water Ballon - Waiting to Pop

Yep...That's my bladder. As I sit writing this I need to pee. Truth be told I've need to pee for about an hour now, but I've been occupied and holding it. Now its at a critical stage, and its not good.  If I stand up to walk to the bathroom which is at least the length of a football field away from my desk, the water balloon may burst or at least spring a leak, but if I don't get up and go in the next 5 minutes, it will undoubtedly spring a leak without any movement or pressures of gravity whatsoever.

Here goes.......Ahhh

I made it. The balloon held, no leaks sprung.  I scampered with teeny tiny tiny strides quick like a bunny and made it. It was an Austin Powers moment (for those who understand that reference  - kudos).

Here is the problem, as children, we face the dilemma of wetting our britches from birth. It becomes a stigma around age 4 and we learn to hold it and build our endurance.  Either that or hide it until we grow out of it.

But somewhere, somehow as we get older things change again.  I can usually hold it really well for a long time. Unless............I cough, sneeze, or laugh. then like a leaky faucet....so does the bladder go.

I drink a lot of water because its good for me, but then I have to pee that much more. Sometimes I don't drink my water when I'm at work, just so I wont have to go pee.  Have I mentioned how much I hate public pottys. I can drink and pee all I want at home, I feel safe and secure there. But public bathrooms just seem......well just so......public.  Honey Buckets are retchtastic (yes that is a word in my vocabulary) and those bathrooms they have in campground that are just gigantic hols into the abyss, ummmm no thanks. I would have loved to live in the old world renaissance days for all their clothes and style, but the plumbing and piss pots would have done me in. 

Time Bending

I woke up this morning and realized I am magical. I must be a wizard or a fairy, or some other wonderful creature.  Its true, because I can do amazing things with just the power of my mind.

I age, but I never feel older. Its like I've found the eternal fountain of youth. Old people are still old to me, I'm not catching up.  I'm NOT! No Really......I'm NOT!  Young people, well...its not that I can't relate....it's just that they are getting younger than they used to be when I was their age. It's like they drank from the fountain too and even though they are 20 something they really aren't......you see?  It all makes perfect sense in my mind. 

When I sleep at night, I go places and I am active and energetic and full of fit and vigor. I get all my exercise in between the hours of midnight and 5:30 a.m........no, no, no,  get your mind out of the gutter....not THAT kind of exercise. I go hiking, and climbing, biking, and running, I am 30 and fabulous always. It's refreshing...but it also explains why I wake up so tired.  I need a nap from all that exercise.

When I sleep, I become the ideal me, but the truth is, even when I'm awake she's still here.  I may not have the energy of dream scape Lisa, but I have the heart and soul. I love my life.  I embrace my friends all generations, and yes these days they span the gamut. I love the quirky and the simple. I am fortunate in so many ways to have people who surround me with love and kindness and always, always, hope and good cheer. We all have good days and we all have tough ones, but I see them all as a gift and each is full of magic fairy dust waiting to show me the wonders of tomorrow.

To appreciate the true majestic of a mountain you have to have a valley to look back on, to see where you have come from. The highs and lows are both beautiful in their own way and each are a part of the journey.

Cast and Release....It's time to Trust

I am realizing more and more every day, as I watch my boys lives take shape and the lives of their friends who I have watched grow up with them, that my role as mom has truly changed.  Its no longer coming or somewhere off in the distance, its here and now.  Its happening with every breath I take and every tick of second hand on the clock.

Being Mom has been the greatest challenge and the greatest gift of my life.  It is the accomplishment I am most proud of.  There are no rules or guidelines, no templates, or standard operating procedures for being a parent. We each have our own ideas, our own paths, and though we share our successes and failures with each other, no two children are alike and and each experience is unique.

I have been mom (and for the last ten years dad) on a daily basis for 22 years. It is ingrained into to core of my being at this point. Even as they set out on their paths, creating their own lives and families, I will remain mom as long as I exist.

My sons make me laugh with all their boy humor. They exasperate me at times, again with all their boy humor, but also with their independence and strong will. They have challenged me with their intelligence and need to be heard. But they have loved me, and supported me, and made me proud. They have the courage to stand for what they believe in and to make the tough decisions that set them apart from the crowd when necessary.  They follow their hearts, but they also follow their instincts and their ethics.  They know right from wrong and they embrace it.  They reach for the stars and the moon and the whole damn universe, and they push themselves to the utmost. They have their lazy moments, but they have those times when energy and determination is limitless.

Being a parent is never easy, its blood, sweat, and tears ....lots and lots of tears.  Sleepless nights, miles of taxi driving, compromise, and endless love, and worth every nano second.  And they each go by so quickly that once gone, it feels as if it was merely a blink.

I have made many mistakes in my life, learned many lessons, started and stopped and restarted again, but the one thing I know I got right, was being a mom. No doubt about it. 

Folklore - Fairytale - Fables

This week was the end of another semester in college for my oldest son.  His writing class required an essay in which he either had to write and analytical about a specific form of folklore, or a creative rewrite of a popular folklore with a modern day twist.  He chose the analytical because the paper was shorter.

His topic was was Religious Folklore, and it admittedly sparked a great deal of thought.  It was provoking and controversial but well argued.  Let me just say up front for those staunch and dedicated believers, that it was only meant to provoke discussion and inspire active thinking.

What I did discover through the process was that folklore is in most every lesson we learned as children and that we in turn taught our children and they will teach theirs.  Unless the lessons learned are based of factual experiences, most are anecdotal. They are symbolic or mythological in measure and they carry an underlying message. Be kind and you will receive kindness in return.  Love thy neighbor as thy self. Patience is a virtue. To err is human, to forgive divine. There are biblical lessons are about enduring through trials and tribulations, and resisting temptation. More obvious fables tell us that slow and steady wins the race, be careful who you trust, the grass in not always greener, be careful what you wish for.

Folklore, fable, and fairytale, are all made up stories. They may have been inspired by something real, but the fact were blurred and stretched made fantastic or terrifying to convey the message better and deliver the lesson with maximum impact.  Then...over the centuries, through telling and retelling, translations, and re-translations, even more twists and changes occurred until the stories we know today rarely if ever resemble the true manuscript and meaning.

I enjoy reading. I enjoy the escape of being transported to another place and time. I enjoy garnering lessons and wisdom from some of the text I read, while others are pure entertainment.  But I do recognize that many of the stories we were raised on, both biblical and literary, are simply that stories. Did a man who was 500 years old REALLY build a giant wooden boat in a time before tools and and then gather two of every single creature on the planet inside while it rained torrential downpours for 40 days and nights until the world was nothing but water.  Was his family then responsible for the entire re-population of the world after the rains receded?   Did the world really get made in 7 days and were Adam and Eve and their two sons really responsible for the entire population the the planet until the flood of Noah destroyed and killed everyone? Was everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah really so wicked that they turned to salt?  Did moses really part the red sea with his staff as he people walked through with walls of the sea on either side of them. Did he talk to a burning bush? These stories are more likely metaphorical for the lessons they are meant to convey. Made fantastic to keep the attention of the masses. Lazarus, Samson & Delilah, The Fish and Loaves of Bread, The Wedding Feast Water into Wine, Jonah and the Whale, David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion's Den.  Jacob's Ladder, The March of Jericho.  Wonderful stories.

Folklore, Fables, and Fairytale's, like Cinderella and Snow White, each story has a meaning, some more prophetic than others, but they are stories written by men.

It was an analytical essay, well thought out and thought provoking, and it helped to point out that religion requires a great deal of faith, because the logical mind will find clear flaws in the feasibility of the tale.  Religion, regardless of your doctrination, requires blind faith and trust, an ability to see beyond the veil of realities limitations. Its all about Miracles.

Signposts in the Pebbles - Searching for Agates

The state of Oregon has a Beach called Agate beach on which the shore is covered with stones instead of sand. Not all of the stones are true Agates, you have to search for the treasure, but the beach is stunning none the less and unique to stand on.  The sound of the waves as they roll in over the stones is melodic at times while gentle, and rises to a thunderous roar during a storm surge like a thousand thousand hooves approaching across a cobblestone drawbridge.

I mention the Agates because friends are like those agates, gemstones hidden amongst the masses, each beautiful, but that special and unique one, takes time and care to find and once you do, you treasure it.

I was told yesterday by someone that I was "dead" to them. Without cause or provocation, this individual saw fit to accuse me of withholding items belonging to my father, left when he passed away 19 years ago, of which I was never in possession of. When I tried kindly to explain that I did not have the items, the anger surged and like the stormy sea, the thunderous hatred spewed. I attempted to show compassion for whatever troubles were causing the distress elsewhere in this persons life to trigger such an extreme and illogical reaction, but my attempts only fueled the fire.
In the end, I remained "dead", one amongst many I was informed, and I simply wished the individual peace and happiness.

As I thought about it throughout my day I realized that this too was just another signpost in the pebbles, reminding me of the path I walk and why. I have chosen my path carefully with much consideration and my heart is filled with family each one carefully hand picked. My family are precious Agate stones, some are blood of my blood, like my sons and a handful of others, but the majority are not.  They are unique and special stones found each one uncovered by a different wave washing over and rolling out to sea. The reflection of the sun hitting this one just right, the gleam of the moon catching that one just so, each one found and cherished and loved with great care.

The family I have chosen, the family I have, would never name me "dead" but would help me fight to live. Even when I am gone some day, I will live on through them and in their hearts, they will not see me "dead" as someone else so carelessly labeled me yesterday.

I Grow Weary.....

Do you ever just grow tired of the people in your life who are on perpetual roller coasters and can't seem to find footing enough to stand still long enough to take measure of the life they have and how lucky and blessed they are? 

I grow weary of those who wash in and out like ocean waves on the shore. Willing to touch my life tangentially for a brief moment and then vanish again. Repeating the cycle in unpredictable sequences with or without cause created in their own minds and justified through phantom actions which no amount of defense can surmount.

I grow weary of letting people in who I know will inevitably turn away as they have done time and again, simply because I don't want to be cruel or unkind and make the first cut.

I grow weary of unfounded accusations and unstable people who throw them around foolishly blaming others for offenses unfounded and baseless.

I grow weary of the emotional toll it takes to placate the irrational, and the elevator ride from the penthouse to basement that never ends on broken cables.

I grow weary of caring enough to worry rather or not there will be a next time. I've done all I can, I am who I am. I live my life honest and truthful, loyal and open hearted. I don't know that there is room for pettiness and and unbridled anger and bitterness.

I grow weary of trying only to fail in spite of my best efforts and owing to nothing I have control over. And I grow weary of facing the emotional guillotine and having my head placed on a figurative spike every few months because of imagined offenses which never occur.

I am committed to ending my weariness, curtailing the allowance of these individuals in my life, and focusing on those who lift me up, and make me smile.  I don't expect perfection from my friends, but an open and even exchange of kindness and hope, laughter and tears, absent of accusation and petty grievances and intolerable vengeful behaviors.

Silly Childhood Lessons...We Still Live By

We all grew up with rules and etiquette's seared into our brains and conditioned into our actions and behaviors so deeply that to extract them would be like removing a vital organ.

As logical thinking adults we can observe and reflect on some of these rules and traditions and realize the absurdity in them, the flaws in the very premise of their purpose, and yet......we foster them further and pay them forward, nurturing another generation to carry them onward.  Some of the inane can be broken with us, and some leaps ahead despite our best effort not to propagate the insanity of our parents and their parents before them. But some rules are made to be broken, and some are not.  What if.....what if....what if there is the slightest chance that some truth and basis can be found for that construct that really is important.  Is it worth the risk, just to prove I'm right, better not chance it....hide the thumbs.

So the thumbs you ask....well I heard about a girl whose gigi (grandmother) told her to hide her thumbs if she ever passed by a Hearst or they would fall off...to this day as a grown woman,  whenever the funeral procession goes by and Hearst approaches she instinctively tucks her thumbs inside her palms and holds tightly until it has passed. There is also the belief that one should hold their breath while passing a cemetery to prevent unsettled and evil spirits from sucking your soul and possessing your body. Absurd, but what if.....

Don't swim for an hour after you eat or you might die....REALLY? There is absolutely NO medical proof of this to be found anywhere. Toss it out as complete malarkey. Clean your plate, there are children in china who are starving. Again, where is the logic in this? How is a child in America stuffing their belly going to help or hurt a child somewhere else in the world struggling from hunger? If your child can't clean their plate, give them smaller portions. If your worried about waste, make smaller yields. If your worried about world hunger, donate to a charity. But force feeding a your own child only exacerbates issues related to eating disorders including: obesity, body dismorphia, anorexia, bulimia, and long term mental and physical health issues that can result from the primary eating disorder itself. The results can be lifelong and catastrophic.

Don't make that face it will freeze that way, UNLIKELY! Lice, bugs, and rodents are only found in dirty, unclean peoples homes....UNTRUE!  Money makes the world go around, the more you have the happier you will be.....I've seen the wealthiest of people who are more miserable that the poorest I have ever known. Happiness is a choice that comes from within. 

Blood is thicker that water, family is all you have in the end......I disagree...Blood is just blood, it flows just like water. In the end, you have those who care for you most, who have been loyal to you and you to them, family is what you make of it, who you chose it to be. It is not genetics and DNA, it is heart and soul and connection. Our souls find each other despite what bellies we came from, and family is as it was in the beginning before we entered this mortal test we call humanity. The truth is we were all family before the veil and will be again after we finish our paths here.

Don't look at the sun, it will blind you...Well I can still see. :)  Don't watch, read, or listen to profane or unclean content or subject matter, it will corrupt you....I think I'm still towing a pretty ethical and moral line.  You need to go to church weekly to ask forgiveness for your sins....I think I'll be o.k. without the manmade building and business of organized religion with its hypocrisy telling me the difference between right and wrong. I will spend my time enjoy the world and nature around me, appreciate the beauty and wonderment of all creation and atoning for my shortcomings through acknowledgment and the endeavor not to repeat my mistakes.  I am flawed, but I am learning with every misstep I take.

In summary, hide your thumbs if you must, but breath, those who have past are not going to steal your soul. Eat and swim, you won't die. Eat until your full then stop, a little waste isn't going to hurt anyone, compost it if you feel guilty. Your face will not freeze that way, creatures inhabit even the cleanest of homes, money does not buy happiness, family is who you chose it to be, all religion is flawed, follow your heart and your own path. And remember ....Whatever lessons your parents taught you were taught to them by the generation before, many came out of fear and ignorance. Its o.k. to break away.

Champagne Wishes and Cavier Dreams....

In my world they are more like Fiji Water wishes and Xanax induced dreamless sleep dreams. Ahhhh, the perfect end to a chaotic week.  I can even honestly say with the help of my CPAP that I don't even hear the the snelling (Snore Yelling induced by over tiredness and a 24oz superbeer) laying next to me....yanking covers, crumpling covers, twisting covers......Yes, I think I might be sleeping with the Tasmanian Devil.   I make through the night without even realizing Taz has made our bed look like the tornado from Wizard of Oz just ripped through our room in the middle of the night, while I slept right through it. Where are my ruby slippers?

This reminds me of the time I dozed off in the living room chair while watching TV with the boys and I was so tired that during my 20 minute catnap, I was so deep in sleep that although I could feel their presence and hear their laughter I had no idea they  were laughing because they were standing 6 inches from my face yelling fire as I slept on. Those boys..they do like to torture mom. I guess I'm good for laugh every now and then. :)

It's all new to me this sleep thing. I'm like a kid in candy shop. I can't get enough.  It might help if I kept normal hours like a real human being, going to bed before 2 a.m. when I know I have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. and rise and shine...feet firmly planted on the ground... o.k....o.k. at least stumbling ever so carefully up the hallway bracing myself on the walls by 6:00 to be at work by 7. Maybe if I tried to go to bed by midnight those 2 extra hours would make the firmly planted feet more feasible? Nahhhhh, that's just crazy talk.

As for the champagne.....Not a fan....bubbles in my booze give me a headache..I'll take it straight up please. Drink it like you mean it.  If it doesn't burn going down your doing something wrong.  Am I right?   O.k. seriously...I don't drink very much. I have a very low tolerance level and don't like things that taste bad or rancid. I'm a sweet wine girl, red wine gal, or vodka martini with two olives and a twist please.  No tequila, no bourbon, no rum, no whiskey.  When I do drink its conservative, I learned my lesson years ago, barfing booze and spinning rooms are simply not fun. They suck.

So to recap....Revamping Robin Leaches catch Pharase it now states Fiji Water Wishes and Xanax non-Dreams.  That clears things up and makes for a nice evening. Cheers!