Fixing Me....

They say one mans garbage is another mans treasure, and its true.

This isn't to say that I view myself as ANYONE"s garbage, only that we are all treasures to someone, sometimes we just have to follow our hearts and let fate take us where we belong.

I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood "broken". I never quite felt as if I belonged.  Friendships were easy to come by, but difficult to sustain.  I suffered from low self esteem and a fear of never being loved. As a child, I was the poor kid, from the wrong side of town, and I didn't fit in. The dysfunction and fractured core of my family and childhood left its scars. I grew up unable to truly create bonds with people, but seeking them out desperately. When I found one, I would hang on so tightly, with all my might, that I smothered it with insecurity and doubt. I was always waiting for the next person to leave me and was positive that everyone in my life came with one foot out the door. By my late teens, I learned to break the ties first. It was too painful waiting for someone I cared about to walk out on me so.... I became a professional at the preemptive strike and at sabotaging friendships before they could break my heart.  When I finally graduated high school at 17 and then married my first husband at 19, I couldn't wait to leave my childhood and the world and people I knew behind. I never knew how much I would miss those connections someday. I saw myself as disposable and thus everyone around me was disposable as well.

Like I said...I was broken....and I knew it, I felt it, and I feared I would never be fixed.

The end of my first marriage and the circumstances behind it, only served to further shatter my spirit.  I carried a deep seeded belief that I was not worthy or able of being loved. I had striven for perfection believing that if I was good enough, perfect enough, thin enough, kind enough, passive enough, enough...enough..enough... that I could earn the love I so wanted and desired.

My second marriage, although a direct and clear contrast to my first, ended after 13 years in a pile of rubble. But something happened in that time........This ending was different. Though I entered the relationship broken, torn into a million pieces scattered in the wind, when I left,  I emerged something different.  A phoenix reborn. Somewhere along the way, my spirit began to fix itself. I can't pinpoint the exact moment that the mending began, but without any doubt, I know it was directly attributable to motherhood and the unconditional and unlimited love of my children. Their presence in my world gave me purpose and focus and direction. For the first time in my life I was not competing for love, or seeking it out, it was all around me in everything they did and said everyday.

The broken me that I had always known, was fusing its cracks, reinforcing layer upon layer, becoming whole and strong and courageous. I found strength where once there was weakness, and wisdom and sight where once there was blindness. I became something more than I ever dreamed, and I realized it was always there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to embrace it.

I went through life, meek, passive, always seeking approval and validation from others. I pretended to be strong when necessary, but behind closed doors and shuttered windows, I fell apart. An oozing pile of emotions and fear. It took me nearly 40 years to find myself. To find my courage, my hope, my strength, and my independence. Nothing made sense in my life, and relationships were always fragile until I found me.

Its true what they say, that the only way to find lasting love and friendship is to start with ourselves.  If you can look in the mirror each day and like and love the person you see staring back at you, not in an egotistical way, but humble and genuine, then you will live a life full of love and friendship.

I am far from perfect, but I am fixed. I am a better version of me, than I've ever known, and I owe it all to my children.I have lasting friends, the love a good man, and I am whole.