Nook Books - Raising Boys Without Men

I recently downloaded and read a book on my nook  that was a little outside of my normal genre.  It was more philosophical and self help like, and I typically avoid those readings like the plague. But this intrigued me, and as I read it I found myself in the pages and between the lines.

Raising Boys Without Men
How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men
Rodale, July 2005

Here is short synopisis: 

The book begins almost offensively by addressing the common assumptions according to society and what they term "prevailing wisdom". The theory being that a boy must be raised with a man in the house; otherwise, he's bound to be a failure. That same wisdom tells us that mothers left to their own devices will smother their sons and turn them into sissies, and that sons of unmarried mothers are destined to a life of crime.

I nearly closed my nook and deleted the download at this point, but decided to keep an open mind and see where the author was taking this. I know from life experience that this "common" knowledge is about inaccurate and untrue as is possible, so curiosity got the better of me and I waited to see where the authors committed and eluded to "groundbreaking study" would take us. Her study compared boys from female-headed households with boys from traditional mom-and-dad families.

The results were published in what she referred to as a reputable peer-reviewed journal and they were so heartening that she expanded the focus for the book to include other types of woman-headed households. Raising Boys Without Men is an examination of these boys and their amazing mothers. I cried, I laughed, and I knew I was in theses pages as I read on.

The book presented a clear and well thought out and documented rebuttal to society's "prevailing wisdom". It demonstrated evidence to the contrary, which showed that boys raised without fathers are socially savvy, generous, caring communicators, while still remaining extremely "boyish"—passionate about sports and socially adept. The study displayed maverick moms who are pioneering a new form of parenting that rejects social judgments about family structure and gender stereotype, and which stresses the importance of communication, community, and love. These brave women have much to teach us about a better way to raise tomorrow's men.
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Along with letting your child seek his own heroes and role models, there are things you can do to allow him to be male. Whether or not you have a man around to show him the ropes, your son can grow up to be an emotionally healthy male just as many boys of single moms have already done. Did you know that Tom Cruise, Ed Bradley, Alexander Haig, Bill Clinton, Alan Greenspan, Bill Cosby, Dr. Benjamin Carson and Les Brown were raised by single moms?

I took an excerpt from this author and thought I would share some tips she compiled from her own experience, the expertise of "current or retired" single mothers and single parent advisers.

1. Accept your son's differences.
2. Never make him the man around the house. True, you want to teach him to grow to be man, but there is a distinction between being the "little man" and being responsible for things that adults are supposed to do. Your child is not your confidant, your knight in shining armor or your rescuer. Especially important for the newly widowed or divorced, correct people if they suggest that now your son "is the man around the house," or that he should "take care of Mommy."
3. When you look at your child and see his father's face, it's okay to get a little emotional. After all, if your ex gave you anything of value, you're looking at it. Let your son know how important he is to you.
4. Point out the positive qualities in men you see on a day to day basis. This means that even if you're buying your son baseball shoes, and the salesman is especially attentive or friendly, point this trait out by mentioning what a helpful person he is, or "Isn't this man very nice?"
5.  Teach him your values, but let him express them uniquely. He's a male and will respond to emotional situations somewhat differently than you might.
6. Role models are important and will be found in every aspect of your son's life. Boys need men, but not necessarily fathers. Just because a father lives at home does not mean a boy is being "fathered."
7. Enjoy your time with your baby or toddler by not worrying about whether they are missing out on anything by not having "dad" around. At the same time, try not to avoid "daddy stuff" totally. Even though many children's books feature animal families raised only by mom, it's okay to read stories about all kinds of families to your child. Place a high value on male and female relationships in order to give your child a realistic perspective.

And remember, try not to have negative attitudes toward men, even if you became a single mother out of the most excruciating circumstances.

As I personally approach the end of my time "raising"  my boys and watching them become men I am proud and honored to know, I realize that being a single mom, though challenging, has provided its rewards. My relationship with my sons is unshakeable. They are strong, independent and confident young men with powerful moral compasses and good decision making skills, but they are also compassionate and gentle when necessary. My boys know right from wrong, are survivors, and wise beyond their years.  They will be good men to their wives, their children, and their friends. Contrary to the "prevailing wisdom" presented by society, they are not sissies or criminals or weak or lost. 

I am a maverick mom, a pioneer, and I am blessed.