Counting Sheep ...No More

Sleep....for so long it evaded me.  Before my first son was even born, the sleepless nights took hold. and for the next 21 years, I forgot what it was like to sleep, deeply.......soundly......the true restorative kind of rest that helps our body and mind to heal and function on a higher level.

I went to bed each night, but woke, easily, frequently. Movements, and sounds, however slight would stir me from my wavering state of slumber and I would wander the house checking in on my children, making sure doors were locked, & windows were latched. Sometimes I would sit in the living room until my eyes grew heavy, then make way way back to my bed between the cool sheets where I would drift off for just a while before sunrise. Sometimes, I just lay in the dark, listening to the small sounds around me, watching the shadows, waiting for darkness to creep back in. Sometimes I let my imagination take me places far away. Sometimes it took me to places I didn't want to go.

On those rare occasions I did find sleep, they were were extensive and like a college students cram session before final exams. I was trying to squeeze every second in and make up for all the lost time in a single event. They usually left me more tired than before, and then the insomnia for days afterwards was insane.

I called it mommy sleep. I didn't realize how severely it could impact my daily life and health. My temperament, my energy, my stress levels, even my weight. I read a lot of books. Watched a lot of b-movies, syndicated television and late night infomercials. I wrote in my journals and I played games on the Internet. I cleaned house quietly, and paced, and watched outside as the world slept and the cats wandered, and the raccoons scavenged, and the owls hunted, and my children dreamed.

And now..........ahhhhh..............Sleep. I forgot what it was like to simply fall asleep without fighting for it. To slip away without a thought, sometimes without even realizing it. To sleep for more that 2 hours in a stretch and deep enough to drown out the creeks of the walls shifting and the windows giving way to winds. To sleep  peacefully enough to be secure that those I love are safe and sound. That I am safe and sound.

I sleep so soundly now that my boys think its funny to play pranks and video tape them.  "Mom the house is on fire"......said loudly, yes some might even call it yelling....in my face as I slept peacefully in the recliner while they watched their favorite show, and video taped me sleeping while the house burned down......not really, but waking to their laughter was a little disorienting. :)  Jeff actually left and returned without my ever knowing he was gone one night....all while I dozed ever so gracefully in the living room.

I fall into bed and with the greatest of ease I now find myself falling asleep. I still have brief waking periods in the nights, and there are the rare occasions when a sleepless night still grips me...but mostly I enjoy my rest. 

Sleep is so underrated.  It is like the darkest chocolate, (divine), the finest Cabernet, the sweetest berry, and the grandest love, all rolled into one.  Its beach sand between my toes, and far away isles, and castles I've yet to explore. Its full of dreams and faces that drift away when I open my eyes, and I am grateful for every hour I get.