Silly Childhood Lessons...We Still Live By

We all grew up with rules and etiquette's seared into our brains and conditioned into our actions and behaviors so deeply that to extract them would be like removing a vital organ.

As logical thinking adults we can observe and reflect on some of these rules and traditions and realize the absurdity in them, the flaws in the very premise of their purpose, and yet......we foster them further and pay them forward, nurturing another generation to carry them onward.  Some of the inane can be broken with us, and some leaps ahead despite our best effort not to propagate the insanity of our parents and their parents before them. But some rules are made to be broken, and some are not.  What if.....what if....what if there is the slightest chance that some truth and basis can be found for that construct that really is important.  Is it worth the risk, just to prove I'm right, better not chance it....hide the thumbs.

So the thumbs you ask....well I heard about a girl whose gigi (grandmother) told her to hide her thumbs if she ever passed by a Hearst or they would fall off...to this day as a grown woman,  whenever the funeral procession goes by and Hearst approaches she instinctively tucks her thumbs inside her palms and holds tightly until it has passed. There is also the belief that one should hold their breath while passing a cemetery to prevent unsettled and evil spirits from sucking your soul and possessing your body. Absurd, but what if.....

Don't swim for an hour after you eat or you might die....REALLY? There is absolutely NO medical proof of this to be found anywhere. Toss it out as complete malarkey. Clean your plate, there are children in china who are starving. Again, where is the logic in this? How is a child in America stuffing their belly going to help or hurt a child somewhere else in the world struggling from hunger? If your child can't clean their plate, give them smaller portions. If your worried about waste, make smaller yields. If your worried about world hunger, donate to a charity. But force feeding a your own child only exacerbates issues related to eating disorders including: obesity, body dismorphia, anorexia, bulimia, and long term mental and physical health issues that can result from the primary eating disorder itself. The results can be lifelong and catastrophic.

Don't make that face it will freeze that way, UNLIKELY! Lice, bugs, and rodents are only found in dirty, unclean peoples homes....UNTRUE!  Money makes the world go around, the more you have the happier you will be.....I've seen the wealthiest of people who are more miserable that the poorest I have ever known. Happiness is a choice that comes from within. 

Blood is thicker that water, family is all you have in the end......I disagree...Blood is just blood, it flows just like water. In the end, you have those who care for you most, who have been loyal to you and you to them, family is what you make of it, who you chose it to be. It is not genetics and DNA, it is heart and soul and connection. Our souls find each other despite what bellies we came from, and family is as it was in the beginning before we entered this mortal test we call humanity. The truth is we were all family before the veil and will be again after we finish our paths here.

Don't look at the sun, it will blind you...Well I can still see. :)  Don't watch, read, or listen to profane or unclean content or subject matter, it will corrupt you....I think I'm still towing a pretty ethical and moral line.  You need to go to church weekly to ask forgiveness for your sins....I think I'll be o.k. without the manmade building and business of organized religion with its hypocrisy telling me the difference between right and wrong. I will spend my time enjoy the world and nature around me, appreciate the beauty and wonderment of all creation and atoning for my shortcomings through acknowledgment and the endeavor not to repeat my mistakes.  I am flawed, but I am learning with every misstep I take.

In summary, hide your thumbs if you must, but breath, those who have past are not going to steal your soul. Eat and swim, you won't die. Eat until your full then stop, a little waste isn't going to hurt anyone, compost it if you feel guilty. Your face will not freeze that way, creatures inhabit even the cleanest of homes, money does not buy happiness, family is who you chose it to be, all religion is flawed, follow your heart and your own path. And remember ....Whatever lessons your parents taught you were taught to them by the generation before, many came out of fear and ignorance. Its o.k. to break away.

Champagne Wishes and Cavier Dreams....

In my world they are more like Fiji Water wishes and Xanax induced dreamless sleep dreams. Ahhhh, the perfect end to a chaotic week.  I can even honestly say with the help of my CPAP that I don't even hear the the snelling (Snore Yelling induced by over tiredness and a 24oz superbeer) laying next to me....yanking covers, crumpling covers, twisting covers......Yes, I think I might be sleeping with the Tasmanian Devil.   I make through the night without even realizing Taz has made our bed look like the tornado from Wizard of Oz just ripped through our room in the middle of the night, while I slept right through it. Where are my ruby slippers?

This reminds me of the time I dozed off in the living room chair while watching TV with the boys and I was so tired that during my 20 minute catnap, I was so deep in sleep that although I could feel their presence and hear their laughter I had no idea they  were laughing because they were standing 6 inches from my face yelling fire as I slept on. Those boys..they do like to torture mom. I guess I'm good for laugh every now and then. :)

It's all new to me this sleep thing. I'm like a kid in candy shop. I can't get enough.  It might help if I kept normal hours like a real human being, going to bed before 2 a.m. when I know I have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. and rise and shine...feet firmly planted on the ground... o.k....o.k. at least stumbling ever so carefully up the hallway bracing myself on the walls by 6:00 to be at work by 7. Maybe if I tried to go to bed by midnight those 2 extra hours would make the firmly planted feet more feasible? Nahhhhh, that's just crazy talk.

As for the champagne.....Not a fan....bubbles in my booze give me a headache..I'll take it straight up please. Drink it like you mean it.  If it doesn't burn going down your doing something wrong.  Am I right?   O.k. seriously...I don't drink very much. I have a very low tolerance level and don't like things that taste bad or rancid. I'm a sweet wine girl, red wine gal, or vodka martini with two olives and a twist please.  No tequila, no bourbon, no rum, no whiskey.  When I do drink its conservative, I learned my lesson years ago, barfing booze and spinning rooms are simply not fun. They suck.

So to recap....Revamping Robin Leaches catch Pharase it now states Fiji Water Wishes and Xanax non-Dreams.  That clears things up and makes for a nice evening. Cheers!

Feeling Spicy......

So this week I'm on a roll.  Making changes, trying to focus on the positive side of transition and reminding myself that change is the only constant we can always count on so why not just let go and embrace it.

In honor of that spirit, I have chosen incremental and monumental changes myself. Simple and small, inexpensive, but impactful to my daily emotions and well being.  I started with a daily adoption of practiced meditation. I am not turning seeking any sort of religious guidance or instruction, but simply  a calming peace and force within myself. It's simple really; 10-15 minutes of breathing and inner monologue reminding myself to focus on the influx of positive energy and expelling any negative. I talk myself through  slow movements and stretches  using visualization techniques and continuous purifying breaths.  It's nice really. I've found it to be rejuvenating and strengthening. Some days are longer if I have time and the need, but I haven't missed yet and its been a little more than two weeks consistent.

I colored my hair on Friday.  I had been using cooler tone blacks because they last longer and seem more permanent and able to fight those hairs that like to show my age......I won't spell out the color.
But this time, I went back to my natural highlights, I have auburn highlights natural so I chose a warmer tone color that picked up on the reds and really made them shine.  Some people have told me it makes me look younger.  I think they might be full of bull poopie, but it makes me smile, so I'll take the compliment and tell myself its true.

Yesterday was the biggest change of all, I decided meditation and hair color were all fine and dandy, and they were certainly helpful in setting me on path for change, but what I really needed was something drastic. Something BIG.  So I chopped it. in twenty seconds and to the sound of tearing paper and metal shears, I lost 8-10".....no turning back. It will be good for summer. cooler, easy to manage, lighter, but drastic.  The best part is....I didn't cry.  That's right I chopped off my hair, and I didn't cry.  Its only hair and if I don't like the cut, well it will always grow back....especially my hair. I don't have thin wispy hair like much of my family...., my hair is thick and heavy, naturally curly, with great texture and depth ....or at least that what Judy my hairdresser says. I have no worries of ever going bald or even thinning anytime soon. I actually think I might love this new look, at least for now, until I need another change. 

As it stands, new color, new cut, new attitude = Spicy Young Hip Mom. Well as hip and spicy as I can be and still be me.

Next up a new pedicure, and a soon a vacation.  It's time.  I haven't had a vacation in a few years. :)

This years adventure will be Yellowstone driven in 4 hour increments with frequent stops per doctors orders.  We will make a week of it. Should be fun. Six weeks and counting.

Leaky Eyes....

And there I go again....Another tear trickles down my cheek.  Seems I am feeling a bit emotional this week about the pending changes in my role as mom. I am overwhelmed with feelings of pride and joy at what an amazing young man I have raised, and how lucky I am to have managed to complete the process two fold (The first was 4 years ago).  How remarkable is that?  Not once but twice, I struck gold and had the honor of releasing to the world a young man capable of making great contributions and making a difference.

As I watched Wyatt's final track and field event at yesterdays districts finals, I realized that this was a pinnacle moment in time. and my heart swelled. When I reflect on the years gone by, I see my little boy growing into a young man and I realize his journey is just beginning.  Those starting blocks and that  pistol are symbolic of the path he is stepping onto.  He is poised and focused and now he needs to find where his finish line will be. 

As his mom, I am both proud and challenged by his independence and need to express himself. I know my job is nearly done, and yet I have so much left I want to share. Nuances of communication and temperament that may help soften the road before him.

I watch and read and hear stories, clips, and shows reflecting the parent child dynamic and get all choked up. Some stories evoke a simple smile, others bring a tear, while a minute sampling spark a full on emotional outburst of tears and quiet sobs.  Mom has been a part of my identity for 22 years! It's woven into the  routine and fabric of what I wear and do each day, and in a few weeks, my world changes.   It's a marvelous achievement, but it's the end of a lifetime as well.  A new journey begins, a turning point in the road, and a path I've never known. I'm  tentative in new places and unfamiliar surroundings. It may take me while to adjust to the new routines and rules of the game.

My eyes are a little leaky these days and I'm working to patch the holes, but its nice to know that some of the leaks are happy.

30 YEARS.......Really?

Anyone who knows me, knows that my philosophy in life is about living today and living for tomorrow.  I rarely look to the past, knowing that what's done can never be undone. All we can do is move forward.  Life is all about progression.

This morning I woke to an e-mail in my personal e-mail folder notifying me that my 30 year high school reunion is coming soon. I instantly disregarded it, as per the prior noted philosophical views, but as the day goes on I find myself perplexed realizing that 30 years have nearly passed since I was that High school senior.  My Son is graduating this year.  My youngest son.......and I was in his shoes nearly 30 years ago. How can that be?

There are days that it feels like such a short time ago, and others when it feels like another life entirely.  I know myself...and I know that I won't attend any reunion efforts held for my graduating class, but it does shine a spotlight on the years gone by.

I have no curiosity to fulfill about what people look like, or who married whom, or who became what. I have no bonds to build, or fences to mend with ghosts of my past. Life moves forward in its ever fluid journey and I have no rear view mirror.  I won't allow myself to miss a moment of now because I'm too busy looking back to then. I have everything I need from the past, every lesson learned..stored neatly in my mind, ready to serve when necessary.

I hear too often people say things like "remember when..those days were the best...." .  But for me, the best days are now, and yet to come. If the best is already behind me, then what have I got to look forward to?

Flashback Thursday seems to be a big thing amongst people on social networking sites these days, and nostalgia is nice, but a cautionary tale should be had.....Be forewarned not to get stuck in past, it can be like tar to a dinosaur and trap you....sucking you down until there is nothing left but regret and lost hopes.

30 years is a landmark, but it's not life altering, merely  a reminder that life is always moving on going forward and sweeping us along with the current. Put a your life vest on and ride the wave.

Polar Opposites - A Meltdown

Positive and negative are two opposite ends of polarity. They are polar opposites in the truest sense of the term. And when the negative gets to close to the positive it sparks a heat. On the Earth the North and South poles are far apart and help to keep the planet balanced on its axis.  Sometimes it gets a little wibbly wobbly and we have earthquakes and other crazy acts of nature. Weird weather anomalies, species metamorphosis, migratory behaviors that astound the most educated scholars. But for the most part the act of keeping the Polarity separate works well and protects us all.

At the same time, a 9 volt battery has both a positive and negative charge side by side and the design saves lives every day in billions of smoke detectors across the globe.

Sometimes a little negative and positive interaction brought close is good.

The key is balance.

Like the battery, our emotional well being is dependent on striking a healthy balance between both negative and positive influences, experiences, and reactions, in our lives.  None of us is immune to negativity.  We experience it in various ways and various depths every day. It can be the driver who impatiently tailgates us, the coworker who complains that they are overworked, the irritable spouse, the demanding boss....it can come in any size, from  any direction. Negativity can come from a perfect stranger or your closest confidant, but....it will come. The key is HOW you deal with it.

Do you let the negative charge create a polar meltdown? Does all your positive evaporate and wash away? Or do you strike a balance? 

There are many sayings that essentially imply that you are what and who you surround yourself with. If you selectively chose to surround yourself with an abundance of negative influences, then you will lose site of the positive in your life. This isn't to say you can't influence others who are struggling or having a negative moment.  Empathy and compassion are gifts and powerful weapons against negativity.  They can help break through the negative and help someone find their way through an otherwise difficult time.  But holding steadfast to the good things in your life, remembering always that you are blessed and fortunate is valuable to your emotional, mental, and physical well being.

I have friends who lift me up, and friends who I lift up. There are times we alternately hold each other up when needed.  Everyone has a negative moment. That's life.  But allowing life's negative to become the norm, is a great way to get lost in its' thorns.  I refuse to let a frown or a snipe set the temperature of my day. In my head it is always, blue skies, 70's, sunny, and dry. A perpetual Late Spring full of new life and new beginnings. 

Now now that's the place to be.

Mothers Day Reviews.......

If you are a mother, at any stage of life, Mother's Day is a special day no matter where you are.  But it is unique too. Some Moms celebrate it like a genuine family holiday with a large get together. Some have a quiet and calm day at home of pampering and relaxation.

Some get gifts, some get flowers, some get breakfast in bed, some get a day free from domestic duties and all the meals are prepared for them throughout the day. Rituals vary according to the age and location of the children. Are they still living at home? Have they moved out but still live nearby? Have they moved far away? Do you have a partner who helps you celebrate in the absence of your children, who appreciates all you do as well?

Mother's Day is a day of reflection and a chance to recall the gift and honor of the charge we have accepted by becoming moms. It is the single most complicated role we will ever assume, and equally as rewarding if we allow it to be. You get out of it what you put into it, not monetarily or materialistically, but emotionally and spiritually.

Being a mom is worth every sleepless night, every worried moment, every tear, every skipped heartbeat, held breath, every cold, every flu, every temper tantrum,  & every teachers conference. Because every smile, every giggle, every hug, every time you hear or read the words "I love you" your heart skips another beat and melts and squeezes and your life is full again...ever replenishing...ever hopeful.....ever proud. You have succeeded in raising (or are on your way) independent but smart and motivated children who will stand for what they believe in while at the same time showing empathy and kindness to those less fortunate.

Every Mothers Day for me ends with a tear, buts its always a good tear, as the last gesture of the day is always the perfectly chosen card with the hand written message that speaks to my heart at just the right moment in just the right way.  I spend my entire day at peace, knowing I am loved and appreciated, having been told so, and I end my day with this final gesture and hug that says your are my mom, now and always, and I love you.

I am blessed, and I am lucky.  I have two amazing sons, each who shows me in his own way how much I mean, and I am loved.

Until next Mothers Day.......Adieu

Strength is Beauty

Following Mothers Day I thought it might be appropriate to acknowledge a few simple truths as I have come to know and believe them.  Beauty is not found on the surface of who we are. Rather it is at the very core and inner design of each of us.

Beauty is not about having a luxurious mane of hair. It's not about the flowing locks and curls that smell of lavender and citrus, reflecting the sunset when the light hits just right off the water in the bay. They are lovely, but it's not beauty.

Beauty is not perfect skin and features. Again the perfect nose and lips with just the right pout factor are lovely, set against smooth unblemished skin and long natural eyelashes with eyes that sparkle. But Beauty is so....................much more

The perfect size 6 figure, well manicured hands and feet, all lovely...all speak to high maintenance grooming and wealth and personal investment in ones appearance, but beauty............they are not.

Beauty is about the spirit. The soul. Some of the most beautiful and stunning people I know, both women and men, will never be seen as super models, most won't even be models. But they are the most beautiful people in the world. They inspire, motivate, and represent each and everyday, those traits which we all should strive for.

Beauty is about finding a smile on a day when only frowns feel right. Beauty is about tolerance in the face of pain, and forgiveness when you would rather seek vengeance or restitution. Beauty is the strength to do what's right even when the wrong choice is a thousand times easier. Beauty is knowing who you are and standing proud, never denying your true self for fear of rejection by others. Beauty comes in size 24, size 2, age 18 and age 80. Beauty is about loving with an open heart, without judgement, and with courage. Beauty is full of wisdom.

We are each born beautiful, and we each die beautiful, its the choices we make in between that will decide if we live beautiful lives or just to be lovely. 

I had my lovely years, now I live to be Beautiful.

How Long Would You Hold Out......Willpower

Its funny to think about, but oddly enough I've been placed in several situations lately that have made me realize the power and strength of willpower.

Most people think they have it in spades, until it's tested. Suddenly the fortitude to withstand and endure fades quickly and then *Poof* it's gone. Maybe it's about having a real cause to stand for, or the right mindset for the choice. but willpower takes a lot of commitment.

Silence would be a very difficult one for me.  I have a friend who practices Buddhism and goes on several retreats a year to center herself and renew her peace. The retreats require a commitment to silence. No talking for 30 days. No verbal communication. It sounds amazing in theory........for about 5 minutes. I would go crazy without the ability to chatter. I'm a chatterbox. When I was in grade school they nicknamed me motormouth morton because I wouldn't stop talking. It's true!  I enjoy the noise. I wake up to noise. I fall asleep to noise. I need noise. Silence takes me to a very dark and sad and scary place. I would have neither the inclination nor the willpower to withstand a silence retreat long enough to get my name tag and bed assignment. I talk to myself even when I'm alone, just so I'm not alone. 

My son proclaimed a food strike this week, in protest and to make a point of his dissatisfaction with a situation he was facing. It lasted 90 minutes! Food strikes are difficult too.  Especially for a hypoglycemic.  That hunger rage, is not a pleasant experience. Neither is the rumbling in the tummy, or the hunger headache, or the empty aching abdomen. People endure hunger strikes, for a myriad of reasons, but they take serious willpower and a determination and mind set with a very strong end goal. I did it once when I was 15 and at summer camp for a week. But ask me to do it today, at 46, and I would likely make it less than 24 hours.

There are a thousand different ways willpower can be applied, fiscally, emotionally, professionally, even medically, but they all take dedication and commitment. Purpose and the right mindset can go a long way to success.  For silence, I would last less than a turn of the minute hand on the clock, and a hunger strike just holds no reward worth enduring.

Lets have lunch and talk.

Patience is a Virtue.....Does Anybody Have Some Spare?

Patience is virtue, an art, a well honed skill and character trait that is nurtured and seeded from the earliest years of our lives. We are taught as children to be patient for the things we want. We are taught the importance of waiting for the appropriate time to speak and to be spoken to. We wait for time with our peers, our parents, our mentors. We learn through the years that patience is a core of balancing life every day. Patience is a virtue and with it we are better people. More tolerant. More forgiving. Kinder. More thoughtful. Patience drives focus and success. Patience means the gears of life move together like a well oiled machine. Love, health, business, money, all rely on patience.

Patience is NOT my strength.  It is in fact one of my biggest weaknesses. I have difficulty waiting patiently for anything. Rather it be a phone call, in line at the grocery store, for test results from my doctor, or for a child who is mere minutes late beyond a curfew.  Patience is my downfall.  In truth, it is my imagination and fear that is my downfall, and the time required of patience allows my imagination the freedom to run wild, like an unbridled stallion across the northern plains.

When I have nothing to worry or wait for, time flies by. The day passes and it feels like there aren't enough moments to complete my thoughts and tasks.

However,....When I have something which requires me to be patient, time comes to a halt.  Its as if the world begins to move in slow motion.  I can hear ever tick and tock of clock as the seconds slowly pass by.  They become like a drumbeat in my breastbone. I can hear my heart beat in my ears and feel every beat at the pulse points in my neck and wrists. My mind and imagination play out every possible scenario, both positive and negative and I cry at the sadness of the bad news, even though it isn't real.

Patience requires the ability to set aside doubt and fear. To free the spirit and soul of weight and worry. To respect the time of others and the the process in which everything must pass.

Patience is not my strong suit and this week is the worst. I wait, with all the patience I can muster, and my imagination wanders and the fear and anxiety builds, and I cant help myself. As honest and true as I am to the process, I know my weakness, and it stands in the way of where I want to be.

I am trying to be patient, but if you have a cup or two to spare please send it my way.

Go With the Flow...Letting it Roll

Sometimes in life, you just have to step back, let go, and say what the hell. Go for it.  Not everything in life is about order. Truth is a little chaos can be fun, so let it roll.

I've said it before, sometimes just observing my boys is enough to keep me young. Even better, on those rare occasions I have the opportunity to join in on the celebration, for those few hours....I find myself lighter and less burdened.

It can be as simple as listening to their infectious laughter or their limitless energy as they excitedly discuss the newest games and technology. It could be their raucous and slightly sometimes raunchy humor or sharing of a silly you-tube video treasure they have discovered.

It could be a discussion on their future dreams or shared memories. Whatever the ocassion, the energy is high and it fills the space around them with a static magnetic force that pulls you in.

Granted, if it comes from a place of moodiness, the playfulness can cross the line to obnoxious and rude, but it more often stays on the side of silly, endearing, and mesmerizing.

Case and point.  This weekend we celebrated my youngest sons 18th birthday. His girlfriend helped to put together a small gathering of his closest friends and included his brother and one of his brothers friends as well.  We made Carne Asada and she brought baked goods to feed an army.  It was amazing. No one went hungry.

I had a home filled with love and friendship and laughter and young adults ranging from 17-21 plus myself, Jeff, and my dear friend Glenda.  What happened next , no one, not even I could have predicted.

As I sat with my plate on my lap enjoying my carne asada tacos and conversation with Glenda, my living room space suddenly burst with energy and chaos. Furniture was moving, blankets and sheets were pulled from the linen cupboards, broomsticks became makeshift tent poles, pillows and couch cushions were on the floor and my living room became a fort complete with LED candles and his and her separate quarters. At first feelings of control and anxiety washied over me, and then......deep breath....in and out.......and it was o.k., the room could easily be put back when they were through and this was simply imagination taking it's course. I decided to go with the flow...let it roll.

Eventually the fort was dispensed with and trivia games ensued, but the laughter was constant throughout the afternoon and well into the evening. The energy of youth. Young adults willing to embrace the creative and playful side of who they are and for a few hours shed the expectations of what being an adult is with all its rules and burdens.

My sons and their friends continue to remind me, that living is about laughter, its about spontaneity and joy. I know all about the responsibilities and rules and things which must be done, but in the moments of in-between, it's valuable to remember to laugh, heartily, wholly, all the way through.

Whats Next............Growing Up.....Letting Go.....

18 Years ago today at 1:20 in the afternoon I gave birth to my youngest son.  Today he becomes an adult according to the calendar, and I have completed the first part of my job as his mom.

From the very start Wyatt gripped my heart, just as his brother before him, and he has had it ever since. Nothing has ever challenged me more, made me feel more complete, exasperated me, but inspired me at the same time. Motherhood is full of moments so high you feel like you will never touch the ground again and others sometimes so low they bring you to your knees.

You celebrate your child's triumphs and you feel their pain and suffering as if it were your own, and you realize undoubtedly what unconditional unlimited love truly is.

You understand your task, more deeply than any other, because it is personal and it is an oath between you and God in whatever form that may mean to you.  You take a vow to commit yourself to this life, to love, to nurture, to teach, to guide, to forgive, and to let go. It is the most difficult role of humanity, and you do with honor and pride and joy, because you know it is worth every second you will experience.

Today Wyatt turns 18, and for him that means something magnificent. To him it is freedom and independence. To me, it is the culmination of hard work and devotion.  I know better than he does, that his freedom and independence are not going to happen instantaneously. That they will come gradually in pieces and in time as he builds the stepping stones to them. He now has the rights, but not the functional tools  and funding. It will happen, but he will need to focus on one element at a time and work towards his goals. 

Both of my boys have learned well the lessons of right and wrong, moral and immoral, ethical and unethical, and they draw lines in the sand every day in the choices they make and the people they surround themselves with.  They make solid choices and I am very proud of who they are.  I have equipped them well with a solid foundation on which to build their masterful mansions. Now they will become the masons and build their homes brick by brick on the foundation they have been given.

I trust  and have great faith that they will both do well. Being a mom is more than bottles and diapers. It's not about the cuddles and coos, it's about loving your child through the quiet nights and the crazy ones, taking the adoration and the terrible tantrums. Its knowing that the teenage angst is not about you, its about growing up, and that's o.k.. It's about never giving up, and staying the course even when its tough.

The years fly by too fast. It seems just yesterday one minute and a lifetime ago the next.

Today my youngest turns 18 and I officially no longer have children in my home. Its a strange feeling, but maybe freedom goes both ways, if I can learn to embrace it.

Not Gonna Lie, Feeling a LIttle Anxiety.....

This week is a big week for me.  There is of course the typical annual due date for income taxes, but that doesn't bother me, I file electronically every January using Turbo Tax and by April 15th it's all a distant memory.

The week is important for me because my youngest son, Wyatt, has his birthday on the 17th.  This year is different because he turns 18, and my role as mom changes. He legally becomes an adult and the dynamic between he and I will evolve. I'm not anxious about it. I've been through it before with his older brother and it takes time to adjust, but its a good thing.  I am admittedly a little sad as an era and chapter in my life comes to a close. But a new one is just beginning and that's exciting. I can embrace this change, in time..... :) Not without its moments of tears, but I am confident that I did my job well and provided both of my sons with the solid core of morals and substance on which to build their futures.  Now it will be up to them to make those choices.  They know, undoubtedly that I will always be here, should they need me.....or at least I will try. And therein lies my anxiety..........................

I am grateful this week for Wyatt's chaotic and ever busy social life. Usually it drives me crazy, but this week, its keeping me occupied and that's good. He is keeping me occupied with prom, and track, tuxedo, cell phone, and other appointments and needs, and it's all a distraction that keeps me from obsessively worrying and focusing on the pain in my chest and the difficulty I have breathing when I exercise. The lightheadedness when I bend over to pick something up, the loss of equilibrium, the headaches which seem to be coming more frequently, and the overwhelming, at times debilitating fear I have regarding upcoming health diagnostic tests.

April 7th was my official 6 month post PE date. This is significant medically because its the marker in which they use to begin determining if the residual heart and lung damage is repairable or permanent. Assuming in the first 6 months that healing is occurring, anything post 6 months can then be gauged.

My first step is an Echo cardiogram this Friday a the Providence Heart Center.  The focus is on the right heart valve and the pulmonary vessels of the lungs. If I think too much, the anxiety cripples me and I lose all focus on daily activities and responsibilities.  Staying busy helps.  Wyatt is playing his role perfectly, without even realizing it. To him its just business as usual, a 17 year old, soon to be 18, who sees his life as priority and for today....for this week.......I can role with that. 

I will always be here for my boys....even when they are men......with families of their own.....for as long as I have the strength and power to do so.

Cough Drops..Snicker Doodles...It's Not What You Think...

I think I just peed myself. Yes.. you read that correctly.  Cough drops are no longer simply lozenges meant to soothe a sore throat, they are the signs of what happens to a woman after she has given birth and sadly even to those who haven't but are simply aging. We tinkle at the slightest squeeze of abdominal muscles. Laughter and giggles, even a snicker can mean dribbles.

We tinkle like fine china but not in a good way. And the truth is, no matter how hard we try, there is no keggle exercise in the world that can fix the muscles needed to retain full control of our body. We sneeze, we drip. We cough, we drop. We giggle, laugh, snort, snicker, or otherwise engage in frivolity, that's right... you guessed it... we piddle, doodle, puddle.

Life without pantyliner's or some other greater capacity absorbency product is a thing of the past. Menopause might be starting and our periods might be fading away into memory, but the pads,  they are just now becoming a mainstay design in our everyday dress code.

I personally refuse to walk around in wet britches with a urine cloud surrounding and announcing my arrival. So I'll take the pantyliner or sanitary napkin any day.  However, I am not ready to give in to the full on undergarment, if you know what I mean.  They are just dribbles after all, not full on loss of control, so I've accepted this with minor caveats.

The hardest part of this dilemma of life is sharing a single bathroom home with a seventeen year old.   My son enjoys his long showers or hot soaks in the tub after long days at the track, they sooth his muscles. It's understandable, except when mom has to pee.  Which, lets be honest.... is frequently. The 'just hold it' mantra we teach our kids when they are little, no longer works for me as a middle aged woman. I WISH I could "just hold it". He doesn't understand the need to hurry along and/or to allow me to interrupt his otherwise soothing ritual, simply to pee. It can make things complicated. There is a shower curtain and he can always wear his earphones with his music. But when I have to go, I have to go. It's not like I would ever poop, that would just be rude and weird. Unlike a man, I can't just find a bush and pee standing up unbeknownst to passersby.

I'm 46, going on 47 and I've sprung a leak. It comes and it goes, but its persistently more prominent than I would hope for. Keggles don't repair it. It seems to be one of those things they don't tell you about when your twenty because they know if you knew, you'd never give in.

Meditation....Clearing the Mind and Caring for the Soul

I was reminded this weekend by a dear friend of meditation and how little effort it takes but what a tremendous impact it can have on my overall well being. It's a simple thing to do, and truly can take as little as 10 minutes or as long as I have available to sit with my self, but those 10 minutes can mean the difference between life well lived and simple survival from one day to the next.

Meditation is one small way in which I can care for my soul and bring piece to my life. Balance and calm, when all that seems to lie ahead are unknown stormy seas. There are days my anxiety levels are so high it takes every ounce of effort I have to focus on the most simple tasks. I am so overwhelmed by the tightness in my chest and the shortness of my breath, that fear becomes crippling. I put on a brave smile, but inside I am trembling and my imagination is running wild with catastrophic visions of a dark future in which I lose the greatest battle of my life. Without meditation or some other resource, I become my worst enemy and my mind will fulfill its own prophecy through fear.

Meditation can help me to clear my mind of those dark thoughts, to visualize my lungs and my heart as clear and beautiful fully functioning organs, sustaining life. Meditation can help to cast off my daily weariness of work, or family struggles. Insecurities with myself or my relationships with those I love. Meditation, can help me to remember that I am just one person, with one life, breathing in and out, existing at this time and this place, fulfilling my purpose, and that life is a journey.

Meditation has no religious affiliation, it is spiritual in the sense that you are in touch with your inner being and the powers of the universe and mind that surrounds us all, but it doesn't require that a practitioner subscribe to a particular religious sect or doctrine to participate. Meditation is simply a practice of clearing the mind of all the daily muck, getting rid of the toxic garbage that weighs it down, and accepting that the journey is one step at a time. It's like a colonic for the brain without so much discomfort. :)

I am currently reading a book called Care of the Soul, and in its introduction it states unequivocally that:

"No one can tell you how to live your life.  No one know the secret of the heart sufficiently to tell others about them authoritatively"

It's a simple truth. But as much wisdom as we each gain throughout our lives, it's our wisdom. We can share it, surely. We can use it as a guidepost for others, of course. But our wisdom, is based on our personal journey, and therefore, applicable only to us.

Meditation,   even in ten minute intervals, can help me to center, to see myself in a better place, to free my soul of its anchors of pain and fear, and to move more lightly with hope and joy appreciating each moment for what it is.  A chance.

Smarmy, Heeby Jeeby, Willys, Creepy Guys

There are nice guys out there. Trust me, I've known a few. I'm raising two. Men who treat women right, with respect and appreciation. Men who are kind and have good hearts. Men who are strong but know how to be soft and gentle too.

They come in all packages. Young and old, tall and short, thin and more robust (no i didn't say fat...that's mean). Some are athletic and some are more relaxed (not lazy, just more leisurely). You have the health fanatics and the foodies, the models, and the behind the scenes geniuses, the techies, the socialites, the shy ones and the extroverts. All shapes and sizes. But a good guy, can be found by the size of his heart and the compassion in his soul. No one is perfect, but the good guy recognizes and acknowledges his flaws and he works hard to compensate for them. He isn't afraid to say he's sorry, and he's willing to forgive when you say your sorry too without the penalty of purgatory, no grudges necessary. He shows affection, and is fiercely loyal and protective.

But there are also too many creepy guys out there, and too many women who settle for them but deserve so much better. I understand the heart wants what the heart wants, and that the creep factor goes both ways. Great guys settle for creepy women too, but the odds always seems to be so much heavier weighted the other direction. Men who think they are gods gift to the universe and that every woman should lust for them are everywhere and at all ages. You would think they would eventually mature and learn, but once a slime ball, always a slime-ball I guess.  They openly flirt and court the idea of one foot out the door and laying the ground work even in front of the women they presently profess to care for, and commit to. These smarmy, I'm too sexy for my shirt guys, frequently know little about the real meaning of commitment and instead use relationships and sex as power plays to manipulate the women in their lives into giving them what they want. They control everything from friendships, to money, to family, to personal hygiene and weight.  Most of the women who find themselves suddenly stuck in this relationship, are smart and independent women, who simply don't know how to break out, often times until they have been broken down, and realize enough is enough.

Heeby Jeeby men, make cheesy come on lines, and make the majority of women want to go home and scrub clean. They are inappropriate and often rude, and if rebuffed usually turn defensive and aggressive. A good course scrub in a scalding hot shower never seems enough to get the oil of this sleaze out of your head. Then there is the guy who stares too long at your breast, or brushes up against you "accidentally" in line. You know the guy who gives you the willys and makes your skin crawl, greasy hair, dark eyes, slumps a bit, walks with his head down, never quite looks people in the eyes.  You go away feeling violated and spend the next few weeks watching your back and avoiding dark corners. A little pepper spray or a personal stun gun might be a good investment.

But the worst Creep isn't the stranger on your bus, or in the line at the concession stand, its the one sharing your bed who treats you like a second rate citizen. Who belittles you, and demeans you, and acts as if your thoughts and feelings are of little consequence in comparison to his. The biggest jerk is the one who tells you he loves you then treats you like a slave. Or never tells you he loves you at all but keeps you on an invisible leash like a pet.

I've been there, done that, I'm all about partnerships now. Mutual respect and appreciation, everyone brings a value and something special to the table. It all equals out and I never feel taken for granted or abused, emotionally or otherwise. Relationships mature as we grow older, or at least they are supposed to.

Remember when the bad outweighs the good its time to say goodbye and move forward. Its never too late to reclaim who you are, and find your strength, your courage, your beauty and your independence as a woman.  If a man loves you, he will accept them all and love you because of them. Never compromise your emotional, mental, or physical well being for a man.  If he infers you cant survive without him, walk away and prove him wrong.

New Age Parenting....Different Isn't Always Better...It's just Different

Parenting is tough.  It is full of trial and error and no matter what they say, no book, no "expert", no one has all the answers. Every child is unique and every parent child dynamic is it;s own. Let me just start by iterating, Strongly, that I don't  discount the idea of new methods and information. There are some really great things happening with today's parents that didn't occur when I was raising my sons.

Right now it is all the rage to teach your infant sign language before they can even speak.  Brilliant. It provides a way of communication before their pallets are able to accommodate the full range of sounds and speech patterns necessary to express their needs. I love this idea.

Here is where I differ.....parenting is tough, it's true, but part of parenting means guidance and discipline, setting boundaries. And those start early, almost from day one. Its o.k. to use the word NO with a our children. It won't hurt them or their psyche. It teaches boundaries. Will they eventually say it back to us. Absolutely. I'd  be concerned if they didn't. Its part of learning and growing and testing their own limits and exerting their independence as they grow. But as a parent you maintain control and reinforce the parent child dynamic.

Children can be raised with firm limits and rules that don't include violence and emotional abuse. You can teach a child boundaries and good behavior through consistent reinforcement and a system of consequences for behavior both positive and negative.

Children who are never told NO grow up feeling entitled. They have no respect for limitations and rules in society or for the feeling of those around them. They say what they want when they want, devil may care. Parenting is tough, sometimes it risks the anger of our children directed at us, sometimes they are not going to like us, or think we are cool, but when we are finished with our job, and they are ready for the world, they will know.....We loved them. That we did the best we could and that we prepared them for the real world.  They will thank us for being tough and courageous enough to say NO.

Parenting is never easy, it wasn't meant to be. It  takes blood sweat and tears. Lots and lots of tears. But it takes love and patience too. And in the end it is the greatest reward we have. 

Parents today seem to always be looking for different ways of doing things that have been done well for centuries. With every generation there is a new idea for something different to be done, but different isn't always better....sometimes different is just that....different.

Happy Thurfriday!

What is a Thurfriday you might ask? Well, its just the best damn day of the week! It's like platform 13 1/2 to Harry Potter. It's like a Turducken at Thanksgiving (yes I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one but we'll discuss that later). 

Thurfirday is the pinnacle day in which the heavens open up and angels sing hallelujah, or maybe that's just my coworker cackling, but either way, it spells freedom and a 3 day weekend or respice, or reprieve, whatever your perspective.  It's bliss.

Since starting work at Clackamas County last August I have relearned the days of the week as they were taught to me back in kindergarten a few years ago....ahem.  Gone are the days of Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday-Sunday.  Welcome to my new age week...Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thurfriday-Myday-Saturday-Sunday!  Amazing!  I know.  There is actually a day in my new week called Myday! Sometimes its all about me and sometimes it's full of others, but one thing it never is.....work.

Myday means I have the house to myself and my time to me without guilt or obligation. Its a few hours of self reflective time in which I get to regroup and reset. Its time with friends, or running errands, or working on a project, or just completely turning into a vegetative state. Its all up to me, for those few hours. I can get dressed or stay in my PJ's. Comb my hair or not, it doesn't matter.....It Myday.

Now lets discuss that turducken. Who came up with brilliant idea of stuffing a chicken in a duck in a turkey? Somebody call PETA!  Because somewhere in the afterlife the chicken and duck are saying REALLY! Your going to  stuff me WHERE? Is this Karma? Because I know I pecked you that time when I had a bad morning, but everyone has a bad day sometimes? Truly, my final resting place is going to be THERE? So sad.  RIP Emily (Merry Melodies Chicken circa 1930's) and Daffy (Merry Melodies/Looney Tunes Duck circa 1939-1989). We're sorry you got stuffed up a turkey's butt, but some people say it makes for great eating.

Happy Thurfriday.  If you haven't already, may you someday find your Myday.

Quirkiness is Next to Godliness....

I am Quirky. Self proclaimed , I own it, and wear it proudly.  I am an oddity of nature. I am both feminine and gentile but tough and self preserving when necessary. I am silly and goofy, the life of the party, but can be serious and pensive when the occasion calls for it. I have wisdom beyond my years and enough for many lifetimes, and yet I learn from others around me and new life experiences every day.

I find fascination in the minutia but can see the big picture. I love crafty ideas but don't have a creative bone in my body. I like pretty things but cant stand frilly. I like to sing and pretend I can, but the truth is I am not musical. I like to dance but have no rhythm (imagine Steve Martin in the Jerk on his family porch...yeah...that's me).

I like music, but can't name the artist when I hear a song. I like watching live sports games, and understand the basic rules, but can't tell you anything about the players, their stats, etc. I took two years of German and even hosted Bergit a German exchange student, but retain only eine bitte of the language.

I love to read but fall asleep every time I pick up a book, no matter how interesting it is to me. I have my own Wii console but can only play certain games because I am completely uncoordinated (as established in prior blogs) and can't make my fingers and brain work together to control the functions of the fast paced challenging ones.

I used to have a memory like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory (albeit not as annoying) but the older I get the more forgetful and normal I become. LOL.  Truly, some days I would forget my name if someone didn't say it to me. :) 

I have a fear of feet, germs, boogies, germs, public restrooms, germs, portable toilets, germs, spiders/ants/ and all things creepy and crawly, germs, rats and mice, people who look suspicious, people with dirty hair, people who smell like urine, germs, dead skin, finger and toe nails, germs, tight confined spaces (including elevators and stairwells), driving next to semi trucks, driving next to concrete barriers, driving next to cliff edges, germs, falling down, wells, tap water, warm milk, Flying insects (not just the creepy crawly), and finally the not previously mentioned GERMS. 

* Disclaimer: This list is not all inclusive and should not be taken out of context to imply all fears are covered.

I worry about and attempt to micro manage every minute detail of my life, but often struggle when things are outside of my sphere of influence and control. I pride myself on being able to stay flexible and roll with the tides, but inside my anxiety surges and I battle every minutes to stay even and calm. Never let them see you sweat.  Pleasant, always be pleasant. I try.

I believe in Karma, I believe in the power of positive energy, I believe in hope, and resurgence, I believe that energy in whatever form it takes and whatever vessel it inhibits, cannot be created or destroyed, it simply transforms. When one vessel no longer sustains, it is released into the universe until another vessel is in need of it. Energy is always with us, around us, in us. Energy drives our existence, fuels our lives, our bodies, our souls, and energy is always evolving flowing in and out.

I believe that life is a gift, every second and every day. That we are here with one purpose and that is to learn. Always to learn. When you stop learning, stop growing, you stop living. I learn every day.
I have much to live for.

I wear colors that don't match (only at home) and mans pajama pants (what....they're comfortable).  I go without a bra (some days..I know...how tacky?...right?), and I use hair chalk and color clip ins for fun sometimes (yes...even at 46). I have two tattoos (and though I would love another its no longer in the cards due to health reasons), and I use to have several other piercings besides just my ears (key word...Used To. :) ).

Like I said....Quirky. Unique....I wear it proudly, I may be different, But I am a majestic unicorn in a field of sheep.

The Portland Zoo of People Watching............

Its like wild life safari without fences or barriers.  The wildlife wanders right up to you, past you, around you. People watching in downtown Portland is a fascination and day of amusement like none other. Pick a mild sunny day like this past Saturday, and make your way to heart of the city and then watch. Just watch. It's like lions and tiger and bears...oh my. Giraffes, and Emus, lemurs, mountain goats. They are all there, you just have to look and be careful not to get to close. You never know which ones might bite.

There are the crazy ones which clearly carry on conversations with themselves, usually involving a great deal of profanity and anger, as they confront their inner demons. There is the older woman who still wants to believe she is twenty and dresses the part, though she no longer has the legs for it and that short skirt only reveals the truth of her age through the sad thinning wrinkles of the skin on her legs.

You have the bohemian couple wearing layers of clothing who you imagine collect rainwater for bathing in barrels in their back yard. Their dreadlocks and odd sour scent clearly indicate a lack of hygiene and their personal stand against things like deodorant and soap. And the goth couple with their female pit bull who clearly just gave birth to a litter of puppies and isn't in the mood to be social. Now there is a ticking time bomb waiting to blow as you see the aggression and pain in her eyes every time another dog walks within her personal bubble.

You have the sunbathers, though it's barely 60 degrees even with blue skies; and those who are still wearing their sweaters and winter boots. Their are those in winter caps, and those in spring hats. Children playing on the fountain, not yet turned on by the city. Pet owners who have well trained animals and those with pets 5x their healthy weight, and then those pets are are sorely misbehaved. And you wonder, how and why does a loving pet owner allow that to happen?

There are loud talkers, who reverberate clear across the quadrant, and a mix of foreign languages. There are young people in love, youth gathering for a day of mayhem in the city, married couples, dating couples, elderly,  and singles. Poor, rich, professionals, and artistic. There are the tourists, and the new to the northwest, and an array of others.

Each has a unique quality and quirkiness that makes you watch, draws your attention even if only for a glancing second. It is a menagerie of beauty and beasts, colors distinct and muddied. The street performer, the doctrinator, those with a cause, and those who just want to be left alone.

People watching is like a going to a humane zoo....Where the animals are free to wander and live their lives. To hunt and feed, mate, and move about wherever their instincts take them as long as it follows the purview of society's basic rules.  People watching is different every time you do it, everyplace you go. The animals are always unique and special and though some qualities may be similar, the fascination is in the subtleties that make them different.