Life is Serious Enough - Live Silly

When your a child, all you know is play. You get to be silly all the time and the world looks at you and says "How cute is that."

As you move into adolescence you are repeatedly reminded to enjoy being young while you can. "Don't grow up too fast", "Slow down, you have your whole life to be a grown up". When you're 16 you cant wait to be a grown up. To have the freedom of making your own rules and doing what you want. But, and I say this in all truth, its never as much fun as you imagine it.  When your 16 you look at all your peers and you identify those you see as childish and immature because they are sometimes silly and pranksters. When your 16 all you want is to be an adult.

I am 45 and have learned across space and time that being an adult does not have to mean being serious all the time. I am responsible for so much on a daily basis that without an outlet I would simply be consumed by the weight I bear on my shoulders and I would cease to exist as a vibrant and engaging woman.  That's right VIBRANT and ENGAGING....just go with me on this one...don't judge.

Between professional woman, mom, chauffeur, financial consultant, accountant, maid, nurse, psychologist, wife, friend, veterinarian, personal shopper, chef, and an array of many many other roles, I find it necessary to be silly for no other purpose than simply to stay young, and..oh yes...Sane!. I wear many hats, but my favorite hat is any one that makes me smile and inspires a smile in someone else.

I am fortunate enough to have a partner at this stage of my life who not only embraces the silly but encourages and even participates in it.  Unlike, my ex who repeatedly reminded me when the occasional silly slipped "Oh grow up".......my partner wonders whats wrong when the silly doesn't shine through.

I look for the ridiculous, the abnormal, the absurd, and the random all around me, and I watch it unfold with wonder and awe.  I refuse to become stagnant in my middle years, boring myself to tears.  I want to laugh, at life's unexpected and roll with whatever challenges it brings.

Oh to be 5 and have nothing to worry about except what I want to play with and when moms going to feed me or make me take a bath. To be 16 and to have all the time in the world to be social and have the energy to run from one experience to the next. I know and accept that I am neither 5 or 16, but I will always make time for joy and playfulness. I may not have the energy or exuberance of my16 year old self, but I have something 16 year old me didn't....I have heart and wisdom and an appreciation for the moments which I no longer allow to pass me by unappreciated.

Don't grow old too fast....stay young...stay silly, and remember to laugh and live. Each day is a gift, don't let your last moment be that of a sourpuss.

Stir crazy or just plain crazy

Have you ever been trapped for any amount of time in a confined space providing limited mobility and social interaction?

It can be as big as your house or as small as a box. It could be a car, a train, a plane, or a hotel room. You might feel trapped in your workspace, or a doctors office. It could be for minutes or hours or days or weeks. The only thing that matters is you feel trapped, and you want more than anything to get out, to break free!

I confess, I am a homebody. There is no place I am more comfortable and at peace than at home.  Crowds make me anxious and exhausted. I enjoy the occasional foray into social gatherings, but a few hours is my limit and I want the sanction of my own surroundings again.

I do however, like the freedom to come and go. Knowing that where I am is at my will, my desire, and fully within my power. As much as I love home, I find myself going stir crazy when I am bound there through limitations not my own. Transportation, health, money, or waiting on someone else like the cable guy to show up, all drive me crazy.  The truth may be that I have no where to go, but knowing I can't leave because of something out of my control, makes me stir crazy.

Jeff and I took a train trip once from Vancouver to San Francisco on the Amtrak.  It was exciting and fun to get out and do something we had never done before. On the way home, as we stopped in Salem, the conductor announced on the overhead speakers that we were experiencing a delay due to issues ahead on the rails.  The delay took several hours to work through.  The truth is, we were fine.  We had no plans for after we arrived home.  The boys were out of town and it was just Jeff and I. No one was waiting on us. We were safe and comfortable. But that two hour delay, drove us both stir crazy.  It was time and confined space out of our control. We anticipated one thing and faced another. All we wanted was to be in control of where we were and when.

Stir crazy can stem from being sick and having to cancel plans, or having plans cancelled on you because of someone else sickness. Stir crazy can be born out of boredom due to lack of funding. Nothing makes me crazier than wanting to do something only to realize I don't have the money.  Stir crazy can be an affliction at any age,in any economical status of life. 

Stir crazy can open the door to just plain crazy, if not treated and addressed properly.  It may lead to paranoia, hallucinations, talking to ones self, voices in the head, talking to the TV as if the characters are real and present in the room with you...... Not that I would know or have ever observed this...ahem Jeff.....

My point is....okay maybe I have no point, but stir crazy is real! So.... homebody or not, break free, live, love, laugh, and don't let the walls close in on you.

Like a Phoenix....

Sometimes life is as easy as breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth, lather-rinse-repeat (wait that's hair washing)....oh well...you get the idea. Some things are simple. We feel loved and valued, our careers are fulfilling, our children make us smile, and though it may be simply vanilla, it's delightful and soothing, in the moment.

Some people experience simply vanilla the majority of the time. I don't know if that makes them fortunate or not?  Here's the truth...I don't envy them.  I expect life to keep me on my toes. I'm tough and made for the challenge. Its how I know I'm growing and learning and that it's all worth it. I like a little vanilla now and then, but it's the challenging moments that I know to be character building and goldmines of wisdom.

Don't get me wrong, I don't seek out the challenge or thrive on its arrival, but I don't hide from it either. I face life head on.  A little calm here and there is a pleasant break, but the life I've been given has been wrought with struggle and pain. Not in a bad way....never as an excuse....but intended to teach me, mold me, and make me better.

Like the mythical Phoenix, I have seen my life burn to cinders only to rise again, brighter and better in my incarnation. I have rebooted several times, and each time I find myself more at peace with what lies ahead. Less fearful.

I am lucky this time to have a partner who supports my struggles, lift my wings when I am too tired to do it myself. Together we face the struggles and challenges and together we fix them. I sometimes panic and find myself questioning loyalties, but in the end they continue to prove themselves to be true.

Life is a unique path for each of us. sometimes the path is full of stones, sometimes its smooth as glass. Gear up for whatever your path may be and and make the most of it. Keep your heart and eyes open for opportunities to grow and learn. Embrace to good with the bad, because both will lead to enlightenment and destiny.

Wake Up Calls

You know the term. Its the hotel travel version of a living alarm clock. That pleasant voice of the concierge or desk clerk, depending on your budget, telling you good morning and its time to get your day started. But Wake Up calls come in many different shapes and sizes.

They can be very personal, or broad reaching across a span of individuals.

Wake Up calls are not just about making that 7:30 a.m. flight, they are about making it through life and coming out on top, learning and growing as you go.

You have to pay attention though. Otherwise they are likely to buzz right past you and you won't recognize what they were until its too late.

Wakeup calls can come disguised as a pain your side, (or your rump, or your eye). They can be health related and shake you to your core making you realize life is a gift so enjoy it while you can. Stop eating a pound of butter a day!

Wakeup calls can come in the form of an emotional crisis or test, causing you to take stock in your situation and make course corrections before its too late.

Sometimes a wakeup call is about helping you to realize wasted energy and efforts that are weighing you down. Put down the dumbbells down and walk away.

Some of the most significant changes in our lives, that take us to a better place, start out scary. They send alarms ringing through our ears and all around us and can literally start a panic. Just like any good alarm should, they are there to get your lazy butt up and to motivate you.

Pay attention! Stand up, pull your grown up pants up, wipe the sleep out of your eyes, and face your new world, a new day, with a fresh perspective, new drive, and an appreciation for where you've been , where you are, and where you have yet to be. 

Imagination

Imagination can be a wonderful thing but it can just as easily be our undoing.

The imagination can open us up to things making the impossible possible. It can spark great creativity and allow us to dream of wonders and pleasures beyond our own little worlds. Imagination can create success and see beauty where others are blind to it. Imagination leads to discovery and invention.  If we didn't have the ability to imagine, we wouldn't have science, no literature, no technology. It all begins with imagination.

But the imagination can also be cruel.  It can take small changes in our daily lives and create scenarios in which our worlds come crumbling tumbling down around us. Turned into a pile of rubble with just a thought.
 Imagination, in the absence of communication, open and honest, between two people, can lead to conclusions of the worst possible nature. Imagination fuels our fears and insecurities and can lead us to believe that reality is much darker than it truly is.

Part of the problem, is a lack of genuine forthcoming and truth. When information is withheld either through lies or omission, it always leads to trouble. Secrets don't stay hidden, and the truth always wins out.  Keeping a secret for someone else' benefit is never a good idea. When truths are uncovered the person who you were trying to "protect" is usually hurt even more deeply. Not only was the truth withheld but now everything that has occurred gets called to question because it was worth hiding to start with.

As a result, because the truth has become a muddy mess, the recipient imagination fills in the gaps, and its not usually in a positive way. Situations, no matter how innocuous they may be in reality become nefarious because they were worth hiding and deceiving for.  Perception becomes reality and every lie builds on the next until the weight of the situation crushes all those involved.

The best choice is always the truth. Respect it. Embrace it. Face it. The truth is always gentler than the results of a lie. If you want to use your imagination or for someone else to use theirs, let it be in creating beauty and marvel and fun.  Don't feed the Gray and sometimes detestable world around us.

Trust once broken is so hard to rebuild. Don't sacrifice it for something unworthy and frivolous. Don't sacrifice it for anything.

Trust

I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” – Friedrich Nietzsche

For some people, trust comes as easy as breathing. And then there are others that require substantial proof and take a much longer time to give it. I refuse to use the term “faith” in this case because i see it as something that is entirely in a different level than trust. Faith is consistent. Faith is unwavering and unquestionable. Faith is deeply rooted; embedded in your very being. If you have faith in someone, that means that no matter the trials thrown your way, your faith is still intact and more often than not, this is what you hold on to, look forward to, and rely on to get yourself out of the muck. Faith means hope. It gives you the needed reassurance that surely tomorrow will be better; it consoles you to keep on going because it promises a certain reprieve. If faith can talk, it would probably tell you, “Hey, stop sulking already, you know he will never let you down.” It is hard to develop this kind of blind devotion in life, but if you have true faith, it can always be depended upon to set you straight in times of confusion.

Trust however is a different matter altogether. Unlike its unshakable older sibling faith, it can easily be toppled down and lost. We can even say that trust is only secondary or the middle stages of faith. First, it starts with belief- the youngest or can be liken as the newborn baby of the three. Belief is merely acceptance of something or someone with only the littlest or even no expectations. It is simply acknowledgment without attachment. Like a newborn that hardly notices or cares if his toy is replaced by another as long as he has something to be occupied with. In the eyes of a newborn, everything is the same as long as it catches his fancy. Anything will do- be it a toy, a piece of colorful embroidered blanket, a reachable thumb that feels amazing to latch on to or even several funny faces.

Trust on the other hand, is more complex and more personal. It is believing in something or someone and relying on them as you seek understanding, secrecy, comfort, and intimacy. Like an adolescent, trust is bumbling, stumbling and highly reactant to its surroundings or environment. In order to maintain it, there must be consistency in actions and deeds- a steady impetus feeding its growth. If trust is relatively new, lacking a long standing history of good deeds and memories, then it is much more fragile and apt to be lost. A single catastrophic deed can quickly banish it. If it has years of good relationship in its reserve, then it can be termed as relatively stronger in its resistance to trying situations but it may still be lost just the same. The survival and healing of trust becomes dependent on the strength and courage of  the giver but also is impacted by the extent or the magnitude of the fault done to that person. There are those who have a high degree of tolerance and patience and the ability to forgive, but then again, it is still dependent on the mistake that shattered the trust to begin with.

No matter the situation, trust should never be taken for granted. Forgiveness may eventually ensue after a fight but that doesn’t mean that trust can just be as easily restored. You may smile and say that everything’s okay now but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t leave a dent. 

Trust may be difficult and even impossible to regain after losing it so don’t do something that may lose it in the first place. The point remains that to be given trust is an opportunity to love and be loved in return. Losing trust is like throwing away love. Being trusted is a privilege given only to a chosen few so don’t waste it.

Regret is a pretty hard companion to live with.

“Trust is a fragile thing - difficult to build, easy to break. It cannot be bargained for. Only if it is freely given it can be expected in return” 

"Trust is a fragile thing, Easy to Break, easy to lose and Very hard to get back."

"Trust can take a lifetime to build, seconds to destroy, and eternity to gain back."

"Trust is like a piece of paper, once crumpled it can never be perfect again."

"Trust is very fragile and has to be really taken care of when given to you. It should never be given to everybody just like a smile that can be given to everyone. Because once it’s broken, hundreds of smiles won’t fix it."

 

Meant to Be...Kismet

As I wrote the other day, I am not a fan of overindulgence on Valentines day.  I think its important to acknowledge and express love throughout the year. However, having said that, I do think its nice to take that special occasion every now and then to set aside the time to just celebrate love.

My Jeff is a man of few words.  He doesn't like to talk about his feelings or his emotions.  He tells me several times every day that he loves me, but we live our lives easy going and without the trumpets and string quartets.  Because of this, I know that when he takes the time and effort to bring me flowers, or buy me a card, or do something really sweet and romantic, it means something. He puts his heart into it and I know that its important.

Jeff and I have been together for 7 years.  We have built a good life together and have realized that sometimes life makes sense of nonsense.  Like all good love stories, Jeff and I have had our moments. We met as teenagers, full of ideals and visions of what we wanted our lives to be. We had a date, that's right a single awkward date, but this cute quiet shy boy, was too quiet for little miss motor mouth social butterfly and we seemed mismatched. We shared a single kiss and then we parted ways and moved on to marry, have children, divorce, and grow up (not necessarily in that order).

Jeff and I saw each other briefly in the late 90's and discovered, to both our surprise, that even then, there was a spark between us. Life was complicated at that time,  and ultimately fate still had not come full circle, but the stars were beginning to align, unbeknownst to me. Jeff says now, that though I couldn't see it, he knew in his heart that we would land side by side someday.  That short interlude had opened a window, and so.. he waited quietly.

Time warp to 2006 and after having arrived in the NW, with my two children in tow, only weeks before, I received a call one Friday night that surprised me and changed my world forever. He had waited. Patiently and with great faith he had waited. He knew before I ever did that somehow we were fated. He let me drive the pace and allowed me to take it one step at a time through friendship and dating and then one day without my even realizing it, we were US. Just US.  It was natural, it was right, and it was good.

Over the last seven years Jeff has given me two cards a year, one for my birthday and one for Valentines Day...He uses these opportunities to tell me what is in his heart.....when words simply elude him.  I have kept, and hold close to my heart, each card he has given. They are each perfect. He takes the time and puts the effort in to finding each one, and they are all treasures to be cherished.

This years card was no exception.  In essence it eloquently sums up our relationship to a tee. Even though we drive each other crazy sometimes and those little things get on each others nerves...even though sometimes we shake our heads and say what the hell......in the big picture, we work. We get each other. We understand each other like no one else can. We laugh like idiots and share the same sense of humor sometimes twisted. We finish each others sentences and play off each others thoughts. We support each other emotionally and physically through the trials of life and we back each other up, lending strength  and encouragement when needed. We are a team in all we do.  We love each other and we love US. We are better together than apart and we bring out the best each other has to offer.

I love my Jeff and I am a lucky woman that he loves me too. It doesn't take Valentines day to say it, but it is the perfect day to acknowledge how loved I am.

Some things are meant to be....its Kismet....and I am blessed.

Mothers and Daughters

Today my mom turned 70.

Mom and I have not always had the best relationship. We have tried over the years to build something real and lasting, but each time we are in reach of the prize, something happens to restart the race. Frequently the derailment comes from actions or choices influenced by others, and sadly, short of sacrificing my own emotional health, there is nothing I can do.

As a child, I felt distant from mom. She was often short to anger and harsh with discipline. We didn't share close moments of bonding, like those you see in a Hallmark film, but rather sporadic moments of calm.  I assume it was the pressure of being a mother to a large brood. As a teenager, my distance from mom grew into a canyon of monumental proportions. So vast we couldn't see across its distance from one side to the next. I realize now that much of her frustration stemmed from her deeply rooted unhappiness.

As an adult we have vacillated back and forth. Sometimes close, sometimes not.  Through life's events, and how they are handled, sometimes we connect and sometimes we are on very different planes. I have learned to appreciate that mom did not get the life she wanted but rather did what she could with the hand she was dealt. She was a pregnant teen, married to a  boy she didn't love, in a time when such occurrences were scandalous. She went on to have 6 kids all within a 10 year range. Hers' was a life of struggle, constantly striving to stay above the line of poverty. She sought love her whole life and eventually found the real thing, leaving my father after 30 years of marriage to pursue her own happiness. It wasn't ideal, and it wasn't perfect, but life is gritty sometimes. I can respect that.

Its fair to say that I don't always agree with moms choices nor she with mine. As adults we should be o.k. with this, but feelings sometimes get in the way and that estrangement begins to grow again like a cancerous tumor. I welcome opinions and views that are contrary to mine. I don't expect the people I love and care about to think the way I do or to always agree with me.  Life would be boring and I would never grow emotionally if that were the case. What I do expect is honesty and integrity.  I have a zero tolerance for hypocrisy or lies.

I know that mom won't always be here. Because of that, I find myself compromising often, trying to set aside my personal conflicts for the bigger picture. It's tough sometimes, to always be second choice and to never quite matter enough. But I try.

I've accepted that mom and I will never attain that hallmark moment. She is still my mom and she gave me life. For that I owe her and I love her. I will continue to try and make the most of what we have. It may not be ideal, but we play the hand we get.

Today my mom turned 70. It wasn't the day I had planned 6 months ago, and the festive occasion I wanted it to be, didn't come to life, but  I did call, and wished her the best. Today, that has to be enough. It's all I can do.

One Two..Buckle Your Shoe..Three Four....

Counting!  I am a counter, but not in the way that most people count.  I use it as a tool to sooth my anxiety, or to slow my compulsive brain functions down. I use Counting as a way to quiet all the white noise the world around me creates on occasion.

When I was a child I was taught to count beginning with sing song rhymes.  One Two..Buckle You Shoe..Three Four..Shut the door: The ants went marching 1-by-1 hoorah hoorah: One Potato..Two Potato..Three Potato..Four.  Counting is ingrained in us from the very beginning. We count days, weeks, years. We count minutes and hours on the clock. We count how old we are. Everything we do is measured by counting.  So....I count.

Depending on my stress levels and how I am handling all of lifes rewards and challenges, I count. Sometimes my counting is more extreme than others, and sometimes it is manageable. It's a ritual of coping, a ritual of sanity for me.

When I am alone, I count my steps. I try to measure them between city blocks to a uniform number. I try to always end on either an even number or a number divisible by 5. I sometimes count my words in my head and when I am under a high amount of stress I measure my words to equal sentences. When things are really bad I count the syllables. I know it sounds like it might be time to get the padded cell ready, but I haven't done this in years, although when I did it helped.

I sometimes count my noodles when I have pasta and my vegetables when I have vegetables. I only eat an even number and always leave the odd behind. Whenever I eat colored candies I always separate them by color and eat them in order from smallest to largest in quantity.  I always count how many times I chew my food and always chew it exactly 24 times before swallowing.

I enjoy watching other people sometimes and counting how many times they repeat certain words or repetitive actions.

Some of my more normal counting includes the seconds between Thunder and Lightning. I have an unnatural powerful fear of thunder even though its the lightning that holds the threat (I actually find lightning fascinatingly beautiful), and counting helps soothe me. I actually do count sheep, or stars, or whatever, before I sleep until I fall asleep without ever realizing it.  I count the corners in strange places so that I feel more comfortable.

Most of my counting is unnoticeable. I don't stop traffic to count how many times the white stick man blinks as I cross the intersection, I do it in my head and without a ticker tape parade. Most people would never know I count unless they witness me from a distance when I am alone and they can see my lips moving ever so faintly. Its the one time I actually count semi-aloud. It keeps me company. :)

We count from the time we are born until the time we die. For some its a little more consuming than others. I don't let in hinder my daily life or social interactions, and as time goes on I find it easier to relax and even skip the ritual sometimes.  Some people run, some people write, everyone has their method of coping with lifes ups and downs.

I count.

Thoughts on Parenting........................

I have been a single mom, for the past 10 years and majority of my sons lives. Before that I fulfilled nearly the same responsibilities as a single mom even before I divorced my ex-husband, because the truth is, he was never engaged in the day to day parenting of our children. I have not been perfect. In fact I make some whopping mistakes, but what parent doesn't?  Through it all, I have found three steps I think parents can take to ensure their children remain confident and empowered, in spite of our flaws.  These  work for all kids rather they come from a two parent or one parent home. They are simply critical points for raising our children, to be happy emotionally competent adults.

1. Recognize Failures as Opportunities To Learn. As adults, we should teach our children that mistakes are an acceptable part of life and that they provide the greatest opportunity to learn. Mistakes are a key ingredient of success. Children should be encouraged to take appropriate risks even if they flounder because mistakes are opportunities to improve, not signs of incompetence. The problem is that many well intentioned parents, in an effort to protect their kids,either intervene to avert mistakes or encourage their children to head in a different direction once a mistake is already made. They never learn to strengthen their abilities and confidence. After all, the ability to persevere in the face of a mistake is a great confidence booster for children. The truth is, mistakes define the event and not the person. It's not coincidence that the fine print of every stock advertisement states that past performance is not a predictor of future performance. Parents should instill this same sort of thinking with their children allowing them the freedom to move forward, strengthening their abilities and build their confidence without stifling their development.

2. Encourage Individuality. Too often, parents, teachers and other adults crave structure and order so much that they fail to recognize the uniqueness of each child and discourage their individuality. Successful kids, however, are often kids who understand their unique strengths and who are willing to step outside their comfort zone and challenge the status quo. They have minimal fear that their choice or decision is the most popular one. They listen to their own heart and they follow their beliefs, beliefs most often instilled by us, their parents.  It’s very easy for parents and other adult caretakers to stifle this individuality because the independent minded children may be difficult as youngsters, but tempered with guidance and an understanding of respect for others, they can still be individuals unafraid of standing alone. We can nurture them to be free thinking, and yet still to respect societies rules. Empowering them with the courage to stand up and fight for change if truly necessary.  Our job as parents, is to harness this individuality and channel it to create successful adults who have absolute comfort in who they are and their abilities. It is also our job to preserve their individuality and to fight for it even if other adults find it troublesome. As parents, we should always focus on our child’s unique strengths and successes and praise their talent and make them aware of their own worth.

3. Foster problem solving skills. As parents, we want to minimize any hurt or disappointment that our children may endure so we often interfere with their ability to fight their own battles. What we need to realize is that if our children do not learn to deal with their own problems when they are younger, then they won’t develop the problem solving skills or the confidence necessary to deal with tougher issues that may arise later in life. Allowing children to stand on their own and fight their own battles, fosters problem solving skills that can build confidence in a way that nothing else can. This one might be a little easier if they have siblings, because as much as we feel the need to referee, sometimes we simply don't have the energy. Step in when necessary, but give them room to resolve their conflicts on their own. Talk to them later about how they handled things, offer alternative solutions, and scenarios, but praise them for their ability and success in finding a solution on their own.

Mardi Gras - Fat Tuesday

Today is Fat Tuesday also known as Mardi Gras. It is a day of food and excess. A day to celebrate before the Catholic tradition of Lent begins.

What *is* Mardi Gras and why celebrate it?

Mardi Gras is the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday is the start of Lenten season, where traditionally people are asked to give up something for 40 days. Mardi Gras is basically French for Fat Tuesday – the big party before the fasting and deprivation begins.

King Cake? What is that?

King cake is a round raised dough cake, much like a coffee cake. It’s covered with frosting, and the traditional Fat Tuesday colors of purple (justice), green (faith) and gold (power) sugar. Each cake contains a small plastic baby. Whoever gets the baby in their slice of cake gets to either buy the next cake and/or host the next Mardi Gras Party.

 King Cakes are a vibrant part of the Mardi Gras tradition in New Orleans. It represents the gifts born by the three kings (or wise men in the christian faith) to the Christ child.


Today I started my morning in the office with a kings cake. I will have lunch with some of my dearest friends today at the Thirsty Lion Pub where I am promised beads of Gold and Purple and Green. We will also share another Kings cake, just the 4 of us.

I don't celebrate Lenten. The notion of giving up something I love like coffee or chocolate or bread, well...thats simply doesn't appeal to me. What does appeal to me is the opportunity to celebrate and have a party with jewel colored beads and loud music and delightful food and drink.

So I was thinking, are there other celebrations that we participate in that we don't necessarily embrace to history and rules of? I cant think of any.  But we certainly  don't pass up the opportunity to celebrate any holiday that allows us to indulge excessively in the company of Friends.

Valentines Day - What Not to Get

So I am going to seriously knock the universe off its tilt-a-whirl and confess, much to the dismay and horror of all those women out there hoping for a big payday this Thursday, that I am not a purveyor of extravagant Valentines day gifts.  Truth is, its one of those holidays that I think retailers take total advantage of, and women use to torture their men in a test of their devotion and willingness to kiss their heart shaped rumps on demand.

Now I wont lie and say I don't want anything, a little acknowledgement, given that the holiday does exist, is appropriate, but keep it simple. A card, a simple flower, some take out dinner or dessert entree. Basic. You get the idea, for $10 or less you have me. It the mere is idea of saying you love me that matters not how far you cave in to the commercial hell of it.

I feel bad for those men, who are with women who expect so much greater. I understand that you barely survived the gift giving of Christmas, her birthday isn't for a few months yet (you remember the date, right??) But if you have any hope for peace and an absence of hostility throughout the remainder of the year, you can't ignore Valentine's Day.  As a result I thought I would help you out a little with a list of what not to get....

To start with, don't get her anything that resembles an appliance. It won't matter if the newest food processor comes in her favorite color and is capable of frying bacon and/or washing dishes; or that the new coffee maker brews a perfect machiato and bakes scones; even if that tricky new electric mixer can make chocolate chip ice cream and buff the callouses off her heels,  they are still reminiscent of kitchen drudgery, and the equivalent of telling her to "get in the kitchen and make me sandwich, woman."

Next up... don't get her candles. Even if they are expensive and smell really good, they are mundane unless you plan to do something creative and/or kinky with them, in which case, I don't need details. . Everyone gives candles when they can't think of a suitable gift. For Pete's sake, if she wants her house to smell good she'll give in to her woman's role and bake some cookies......just kidding.

Don't ever get her a pet. No matter how cute and cuddly it looks. You could end up being the one who has to feed it, walk it, bathe it, brush it, take it to the vet, clean up after it, and share your bed with it. And remember, it will be around for a long, long time. There is also the likelihood of a nasty custody battle if you should ever break up, and nobody wants to confuse the poor ferret. Leave it in the pet store.

Don't get her tools. Don't worry if she uses a telephone book to balance the corner of her bed, these days its the most useful way to utilize it. Its o.k. that her dining room table has wobbly, loose legs and that you have to use your knees when you eat breakfast to balance the table so that your cereal doesn't spill. Maybe she likes things that way. If she wanted them fixed, she'd call a handyman or nag you to do it for her. She doesn't own tools for a reason- she doesn't want them.

Don't give her any paraphernalia that is related to your favorite sports team, even if they won the Super Bowl. Again. Did you ever actually see her wearing the scarf with the team colors and embroidered logo that you gave her last year? That's because she used it to mop up after the poop mess the ferret left behind then she buried it at the bottom of the trash can with your torn up t-shirt from the INXS Concert in 1985. Also no "charitable donations in your name" (You might as well say, "I bought you a gift, but gave it someone else."). No stars unless you are a billionaire and have found a way to catapult her into space to see her new piece of real estate.

Don't give her one of those fancy packaged "bath sets", save those for grandmas birthday. Who in their right mind would use gritty cucumber/papaya scrub, and star shaped green soap anyway? Grandmas not in her right mind, so give it to her. No more coffee mugs. Even if it is filled with candy and has a balloon attached that says "I love you". If you feel the urge to buy one, you might as well drive directly to the goodwill store to donate it, because that's where it will end up. As for the candy, if you give her candy then you wave all future rights to criticize and complain about her weight and the way she used to look.

No cookbooks, or self improvement tapes, unless you want an icy stare and a backhand while you sleep.


Above all, no lingerie, because if you get the size wrong, she'll be forever suspicious that you meant to buy it for your other girlfriend.

So, when all is said and done......  Don't buy her anything. Give her a card! Tell her you love her! Pick up some take out and watch her favorite chick flick with her while cuddling on the couch under your favorite blanket together.

Anything more, and you risk setting the bar too high for future years, or triggering a year long game of "guess how bad you suck" in which you are regularly reminded of how badly you messed up her valentines day.And thus her whole year.

1 Smile CAN Change the World

Have you ever had a really bad day, the kind that made you want to cry? You can deny it, but the truth is, we all have them. Days that truly suck! But with the tiniest of gestures, something that literally costs nothing, you can change, not only your day, but everyone you come in contact with. Yes, as trite and naive as it may sound, I do believe that a smile can change a persons whole day and through a domino like effect it can change the world we live in, one zone at time. Have you ever been on the receiving end of strangers smile, or kind word. It elevates your spirit. Those random interactions and moments have broad reaching effects that you may never realize.The best part is, that as much as being recipient is transforming, being the giver of joy and happiness, can be transcendent.

When certain things happen to you, they bring moments of clarity. Life is full of these moments.  I believe that if you smile long enough, no matter what situation you are in, it will change your direction What was once south becomes north, and down becomes up. It won't fix or cure all that plagues the world, but it will lend a new perspective and the ability and power to wield a new courage and positive outlook.

What have you ever accomplished with a sour puss face and a bad attitude? Usually all you earn with that frown and grumpy look is more frustration and trouble. I read once an urban myth about a man who wrote in his suicide note that if one person smiled at him on his way to the bridge, he wouldn’t jump. He was purportedly found dead later that day, proving that such an effortless, insignificant gesture can make a huge difference in someone’s life. True or false, this fable has meaning. A smile costs you nothing, and yet pays much greater dividends than any bet you could make in Vegas. We are taught as children no to talk to strangers, but that doesn't mean you cant smile.

My 20 year old son and I were having dinner together this week and he said something, so simple and yet so profound, I realized all at once how wise he had become and how proud I was to have had some impact on his view of the world. We were discussing how some people seem to believe that the most effective way to accomplishing their goals is through bullying and intimidation. As we discussed several examples of this , Brandon paused and simply said, ..."I think its important to remember that you get much more from people with kindness than with anger. Sometimes you just smile and say thank you, or please, or I'm sorry, and it makes all the difference"....

 I found the following in an article about the smile and thought I would share.

A genuine smile is an index of your happiness. So, put in a little more joy in your smile. Reach out to others and give a little more of yourself when you smile next time.  There are two kinds of smiles, the "Duchenne smile" and the "Pan American" smile.

• The Duchenne smile (named after its discoverer Guillaume Duchenne) is genuine. The corners of the mouth turn up and the skin around the corners of your eyes crinkles (the crow's feet). The facial muscles involved in the Duchenne are difficult to control voluntarily. Therefore, it's difficult to fake a Duchenne smile unless you smile from within
• The Pan American smile (named after the flight attendants in television ads for the now-defunct airline), is inauthentic.It is a perfunctory smile and is nothing but a courtesy smile as in the case of a flight attendant responding to a patron. It's an expression of courtesy and politeness rather than inner joy.

 What smile do you wear most often? Can you feel it in your cheeks and your eyes? 

 Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Nat King Cole

Listening

In today's world of cyber social networking, its easy to forget that live interaction still matters.

Words on a screen, no matter how sincere or innocuous, carry with them only the voice and inflections imagined by the reader. Punctuation can help, but if you want genuine feelings and thoughts expressed, sometimes you have to use your voice.

Teachers, meetings, presentations, one on one brainstorms--they can lead to real change. Using your voice to express yourself, is valuable.

But here is the true  key.......The Listener has nearly as big a responsibility as the speaker does! Rather you are conducting business, relaying a brilliant idea, or simply expressing your feelings to a loved one, Listening is just as valuable as speaking. And yet, Google reports four times as many matches for "how to speak" as "how to listen." .  It's clear that people see the ability to speak as a higher priority than that of listening. The fact is the two are symbiotic.  

You can be the greatest speaker in the world but if you fail to listen to the demands and needs of others you are destined to fail. Without receiving the feedback of others, your words have no meaning. Without listening, how do you know what topic to address? Without listening, how do you measure the success of your ability to express yourself through words. Listening is not a passive act, not if you do it right. Listening can become an even greater tool than your voice. Is it any wonder that we were designed with two Ears but only one mouth? Listening is of much greater value!

Listening leads to better speaking, and can become a competitive advantage.....In life, in love, in business.
The hardest step to better listening is the first one: do it on purpose. Make the effort to actually be good at it.
Focus & pay attention. Give the conversation you are a part of, the highest priority. Make it important.
Reward the person who's speaking, with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm shown by the expression on your face, in your posture, in your questions. Show them that you are engaged and what they are saying is being heard. Reaffirm what you hear but in your own words, using your own situation. Don't ask questions as much as make statements, building on what you just heard but making it your own.

If you disagree, wait a few beats, let the thought finish, and then explain why. Don't challenge the speaker, challenge the idea. The best way to honor someone who has said something smart and useful is to say something back that is smart and useful. The other way to honor them is to go do something with what you learned.

Sometimes closing your mouth and opening your ears is the best move you can make. Good listeners get what they deserve--better speakers. Remember your childhood lessons. Your mother tried to teach you that interrupting is rude. So don't. Even if the topic of conversation is one you are familiar with, if you listen, truly listen, you may find a new perspective. Everyone has a unique take and way of expressing their thoughts and ideas. Just because you think you know what is about to be said, doesn't mean you should have the answer pre-formulated in your head.

Even “helpful” interruptions can be perceived as rude. Cutting off a speaker is a big sign that you’re not really listening. So how do you break the bad habit of interrupting? Simply listen. Actively, listen.

We all love to be heard, but when we speak, what we say may be even more valuable if we have listened first.  Give it a try.

Would you like Cheese with your Whine?

Have you ever known that person who incessantly whines about everything? They are never content to simply live in the moment but instead they take every opportunity to complain about everything and nothing. The weather, their age, their job, their family, their friends, their health, blah blah blah, and on and on and on.

You know the type. Its the person who can turn our skies from clear to cloudy in minutes simply by opening their mouth. Every time they open their mouth a complaint comes tumbling out.

It’s one thing when kids whine incessantly. With kids, no one hesitates to say, “Stop whining! Your driving me crazy.” Like teaching a toddler not to bite, sometimes you have to bite back, just to demonstrate the annoyance. Have you ever found yourself talking back to your children in the whining voice they use simply to give them an idea of what they sound like and just how obnoxious it is? Now, imagine doing that to  your friend, or coworker, or sibling, or spouse? Probably not. As effective as it might be, it is much more likely that it would backfire, and you would find yourself in a very uncomfortable place.

Why is it that when the person doing the whining is an adult, suddenly we get all socially verklempt and, for fear of insulting them or damaging our relationship with that person, we keep our mouths shut. We are aching, bursting at the seams to speak up and say “Stop whining! Your driving me crazy.”, but because we are so conditioned to want to be good listeners,  to be supportive, we simply feign interest and pretend to care. The truth is, sometimes being supportive means being honest.

As it turns out, maybe the whiners are wishing we would tell them to, in so many words, “shut up.”

“Whining, as defined by experts—the therapists, spouses, co-workers and others who have to listen to it—is chronic complaining, a pattern of negative communication. It brings down the mood of everyone within earshot. It can hold whiners back at work and keep them stuck in a problem, rather than working to identify a solution. It can be toxic to relationships.”

I can't stand whiners, and I genuinely have no patience for them. We all have ups and downs, things that take us by surprise and occasionally rock our world, or rather more accurately make our world a little rocky. But its the whiner who complains about the same issue, 20 different ways, 20 different times, and NEVER takes any steps to move beyond it. Some things we can change, some things we can't.  If it's in your power, then FIX IT.  If it's not, then accept it and embrace it, and make the most of it. We all get older, so stop complaining about it. Your not doing something magnanimous, worthy of great accolades, because you have chosen to diet or exercise.Millions of people do it EVERY Day and they don't jump up and down crying, "look at me, look at me". If it makes you happy, cheers for you, it it doesn't, then stop whining about how much effort it takes, and move on. Whiners are not inspirational, they are irritating. Hearing how miserable someone is in their struggle to reach a certain weight or certain exercise goal, does not inspire others to follow their regimen.

Live life, a day at a time.  Enjoy the moment, tackle the challenges, revel in the glories, & count each day as a gift. Life is to short rather you are 20, 40, 60, or 80.  If you complain more than once about the same innate topic, you are likely to get a sarcastic response from me, or simply no response at all. Its not that I lack compassion or empathy, but it's more about respect for people who stand up and face life with a can do attitude.  I've never been an alcoholic, but the Serenity prayer has some meaning here.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

How do you deal with mature chronic whiners? Do you ever worry you complain too much?

Traditional Winter Faire

Its a cold winter day and all you want when you get home from work is to sit down under a cozy blanket with your fuzzy slippers and warm fleece pajamas, relaxing while the dinner you prepared this morning simmers in slow cooker.  The house is filled with mouth watering aromas of the winter faire you are about to feast on, and you think.....as you smile and release a cat like purr....this is life.  It's good right?

So here is the question.....Whats in your slow cooker?

When I was little girl, my mom used the crock pot or large stock pot on the stove-top  A LOT.  We were a large family and prepacked meals from the grocery store were designed for families of 4 or less with small portions, bordering on anorexic.  We had hearty meals designed to feed an army.  There were several staples in our typical winter faire.  Stew was a really common and frequent menu item.  Pinto Beans w/ham and cornbread was also a staple for our hoard on budget. I remember sitting at the breakfast table sorting the dry beans before their soak filtering out the rocks and dead legumes. Large pots of Macaroni and Cheese (not the box) were common too just as Pot Roast and Chili were. 

As an adult, Stew is no longer in my repertoire. I can't choke down the soggy off colored vegetables anymore now than I could as a kid. The sensory memories they trigger are very unpleasant.  You remember the days when we were disciplined to "clean our plate" "there are children starving in Africa"? Well the soggy vegetables combined with my gag reflex and topped off with Okra and Lima Beans, make for memories that should only exist in nightmares.  :)  There is no cleaning the plate for me, and there is no stew. 

My favorite winter offerings continue to include homemade chili, macaroni and cheese, shepherds pie, pork roast, & pot roast. Soups like Lentil and Minestrone and fresh Chicken Noodle or Tomato with grilled cheese sandwiches. Basically comfort foods. When I make chili, no matter how big the pot and no matter how noble my intention to save and freeze the leftovers, it doesn't survive long enough.  Its all eaten before I can reserve any.  I guess its a compliment, at least I know they love it.

Winter isn't as limited as it was when I was a kid. We still have hamburger and hotdogs and steaks and typical summer grill foods even in January. The difference is....when its to rainy or cold for the grill, we use the foreman.

Its easier to plan meals for a small family, to be more creative, adventurous, and even to splurge now and then. I like that my choices are broader and more palatable. However, if it hadn't been for growing up poor and meals planned based on their economical value, I couldn't appreciate the difference.  Gone are the days of okra and plum jelly, but with their farewell, a fondness for what they represented has awakened.

Whats on your menu this cold winters day?

John Jay & Rich - An Interesting Dilemma

On my way to work each day I listen to the radio.  The morning show on my station features John Jay & Rich , two DJ's based out of Arizona. Balance and sanity for this duo usually comes in the form of Kyle, their  female voice of reason. Monday through Friday they play music and in between they have their version of entertainment usually in the form of relationship drama and tampering provided by their own personal antics in the lives of their willing listeners.

Today they unveiled their new Friday installment aptly called 'Fiance Friday'.  Not unlike their Thursday 'War of Roses', Fiance Friday is intended to test the waters and fidelity of one member of an engaged couple at the truly unhealthy and misguided request of the other, without the knowledge of the ambushee.  It can be truly sad to listen to, but sometimes also quite funny in a very depraved and poor commentary on human nature sort of way. Sometimes you just have to laugh at how truly stupid some people are. Naive and foolish, and like rats in a maze trying to back-peddle once caught in the gooey tar of the trap.

This morning however, was not about cheating but rather a larger philosophical question which truly made me think.  I know how I feel and my lines are pretty well drawn, but I understand that others have different perspectives so I thought today, I would pose the question.

Can or Should men and women remain friends with their exes? If love failed to work out and you find yourself lucky enough to have been gifted another chance with someone new, is it appropriate to maintain a connection and regular contact with the scorned relationship from your past? When and where do the lines of appropriate lie in these connections with others who once held the strings to your heart?

Next Question. Assuming you are one of the few who remains friends with your exes, do you stand your ground when your new love voices their discomfort and unhappiness with the choice, or do you walk away from those ill fated romances of yesterday? Is your new partner paranoid, or justified in their concerns?

And the bigger question is, can men and women truly be friends, not in a couples group setting, but one on one outside of the bonds of whatever love and commitment they have with someone else? Is it our human nature to see the opposite sex as mate, or can we truly maintain a relationship with each other without the threat of intimacy? How can you be certain, no matter how true your heart is, that it is mutual?

O.k.,  now my thoughts.

I think men and women can be friends, if they have never crossed those lines in the past with certain caveats.

• Both people are in successful and happy relationships of their own, and/or;
• The friendship is between a heterosexual and a lesbian or gay male, and/or;
• The friendship is not isolated to the point of exclusivity from communication and or participation by each others partners on occasion, and/or;
• There is no deception or secrecy regarding the friendship and activities shared (this is a must)

I don't think its appropriate for men/women friendships to be built on commiserating about the failings of their partners. This is a ploy to seek comfort in the arms of another, and no matter how innocent it begins, it is destined to end badly.

I don't think men and women who were once intimate with each other can or should be friends  beyond the end of their commitment, particularly once new relationships have been started. The lines between love and hate and indifference are thin and easily blurred during times of loneliness or trial. It is to easy to fall into old habits when happiness is tested, and I think it is inappropriate to maintain such risk when new love has been found.You can be civil, as in cases of divorce where children are involved, but civility is not equal to friendship, spending time with each other, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend.

I think anytime someone you love expresses concern or heartfelt pain over a choice or action you have made, it is important to evaluate what is most important.  Ideally the person you love should always take 1st priority, and... if it is within your power to quell their fears, you should do so. No friendship, especially those forged in the fires past love, or present day flirtation, should ever take precedence or greater value over the love you now have.

As the years go by, I find myself transforming from my early adulthood path of a free spirit to a woman of much more traditional thoughts.  I have a wicked jealous streak, and am fortunate that Jeff understands me and respects my heart enough to put it first.