Family Values - Value Adds

There is a lot of talk around me lately about family. Family values, the value of relationships, the future, the past…lots and lots of talk…but no action.   I’ve thought long and hard about it, about why things vary so greatly from one family to the next, and why there is such a prevalence all around me of families in my generation with a high level of dysfunction and disassociation.  I think I have some ideas, but they all sound like excuses.  The truth is there can be no solution without action.  Talk and wishes and ideas are only air without action. As a general rule, I am not a fan of talk without action, I can’t complain if I’m not willing to present a solution.

It’s strange how memories can be different.  People can experience the same situation and have different perceptions or memories about it.  I have spent the greater part of my adult life absent of genuine relationships with my siblings. We are acquaintances, bound by blood, but we don’t truly know each other.  I know there is genuine love and care in the cake batter of some of our connections, but it simply isn’t priority, or so it seems. Like most things in life we look for a “value-add”. What will this relationship or the effort it takes to cultivate it ”add” to my life? I guess it’s hard to predict the “value-add” because we don’t know each other well enough to make the assessment.  Truth is we are not the people we were as children or early adults. Life changes us, molds us, and if we are lucky enough it enlightens us and makes us better each day. But, unless we take the time to know that about each other, we only have the memories from times past, and as I mentioned before memories can be vastly different from one person to the next, not always true, and not always fond. 

For instance, I remember many family gatherings as a kid. Going to my grandparents on both my mother and fathers sides. There are some pleasant memories, brief moments of calm and joy, but for me, family gatherings represented fights, tension, and anger between my parents.  Inevitably, every family gathering resulted in a fight between my parents, often times before they even began, before we even arrived, sometimes before we even left the house.  My father didn’t like my mother’s family, and my mother didn’t like my father’s family so every time an event was planned someone was resentful, angry, and uncomfortable.  Children are much more aware and cognizant than adults give them credit for and so…even if the fight didn’t take place in front of me (though it often did) I was still aware of it. I think this was formative for me. It shaped how I viewed family gatherings and created and anxiety in me about what they represent and mean.  This anxiety was only reinforced, when as an adult, my ex-husband’s family gatherings resulted in drama as well.  As a result, though I desire a relationship with my siblings, the idea of large family gatherings fills me with anxiety and dread.

As a mother, I work hard to create a different meaning and atmosphere for my sons. Drama Free. I want them to return, or to develop, a fondness and appreciation for family gatherings. To accept and honor the unique and amazing qualities each of them bring to the table and to set aside the differences. I want to create an atmosphere of inclusiveness in which they and their loved ones, and each additional generation as they arrive are always welcome. I want my home to be a place where differences get left at the door and laughter and love are found inside.  I had some really great examples of mistakes I don’t want to make and all I can do is strive to be better. 

Will my siblings and I ever truly connect or figure it out, maybe…maybe not…..but I think in our own ways we are all trying to do better with our own families. I have realized through events of the past few weeks, one being the sudden and relatively rapid illness and death of my Aunt, that life is short, and if we don’t figure it out, it may be too late before we know it.