Adult Friendship

So... Friendship.
 
I know I wrote about it a while ago, but I was in conversation with two acquaintances yesterday and I have thought about nothing else all day other than ADULT FRIENDSHIPS. Specifically, how friendships change when you become an adult,  where and how we make friends; and, what it takes to maintain those friendships over time.

Other factors that play in to the success or failure of a friendship, include marital status, age, & children. Friendships are forever evolving and morphing. If your a young adult and God forbid if you are the first or the last in your circle to have children, or let's be fair decide to opt out of parenthood altogether, your friends will either follow suit and continue the connection or cut you loose to find new friends. Who you marry affects your friendships, and the status of your relationship or the way you and your partner speak to and treat each other. Your friend circle is going to be totally different depending on where you are in life. Not bad, necessarily - but different in ways you may not even imagine.

Being a friend is just - weird. I don't know how else to say it. It's about being vulnerable but strong, both at the same time. It's opening yourself up to someone else, someone who could very easily say something rude and hurtful and change your outlook on almost everything. It's allowing another person to see the darker side of you. It's overlooking someone else's quirks and failings. It's coming to a realization that you, yourself, are not perfect.

The truth is, I think that we've all been fed a line of monkey poo with regards to friendships. We see friendships as something made of big, white fluffy glittery snowflakes falling from the sky while we ride through the sky on a pink unicorn that farts fluffy cotton candy while I'm wearing my princess tiara and you wear your boa and we never ever disagree. We hold hands and we sing Kumbaya and it's just - perfect.
We see movies and Hallmark cards with friendships that are awesome and amazing and the other person is always there for you. We encourage our children that To make a friend, you have to BE A FRIEND and maybe I'm jaded but I just don't see that in the world. We confuse acquaintances with friends. We confuse coworkers with confidantes. We think neighbors are interested in the inner workings of our minds and get our feelings hurt when someone says, "How're you doing?" - and doesn't stick around to listen to the answer or feign interest. We expect that our relatives are intended to be built in friends, when more often than not we share little to nothing in common with them.
 
There are those people - simple freaks of nature - who seem to be made of teflon and get along with virtually everyone. Rude people, Crabby people, Winners and Losers, they all gravitate to these oddities. Even people that NO ONE else likes. And I wonder - how are there people like that? People who like everyone, and everyone likes them? Do they shut off their senses, their perception filters, that chemical in the brain that helps us to chose Cola A or Cola B?

Don't get me wrong - I do have friends. The ones I have, though, are true friends. Friends I can count on. The type that I know have my back when good AND bad happens. Friendships are WORK. And I'm kind of difficult. So do we let that dissuade us from letting someone in to the innermost sanctum of our very self? I have amazing friends who love me, always. I am fortunate and blessed beyond measure that they accept me through it all, but my circle is small. I like to call it cozy. There is always room for one more, but it takes time and effort.

Charity

Its that time of year when people are all feeling altruistic and in gratitude for what they have, many people donate to charity.

We all recognize that man or woman in front of our nearby box store who stands just outside the exit door, dressed in red with the bucket on the shepherds hook and ringing the hand-bell, as they collect for the Salvation Army.  Your supermarket cashier asks if you would like to donate a dollar to muscular dystrophy, or the annual Jerry Lewis marathon runs asking for contributions to Multiple Sclerosis Research.

Christmas time, more than any other time of year, is the time in which we see a big push for charitable donations.

Throughout the year, Natural disasters, result in impromptu pushes and campaigns, but they are in and out and on to the next. We see commercials to stop animal cruelty, and childhood hunger in foreign countries. But the holiday charity request, touches something in most people at the time of year when we are all feeling most giving, and generous.

At the Oregonian we have an annual campaign for charity registered appropriately as a non-profit entity, which we refer to as the "Season of Sharing". The season of sharing, though housed and staffed by Oregonian employees, is not the Oregonian. The amazing thing about SOS is that 91.3 cents of every dollar goes directly to the charities and organizations which most need our help.  The Organizations sponsored every year are selected by committee and must meet very specific guidelines. They must demonstrate a need for assistance, and they must demonstrate a commitment to managing overhead costs in order to maximize the delivery of service to their cause.  In addition to helping 25 + individual organizations who touch our community directly, we also do a Christmas Stocking Program which delivers the gift of Christmas to nearly 15,000 underprivileged children each year with a special Christmas Stocking filled with goodies from Santa.

I am touched and overwhelmed with emotion at the generosity of people even in times of economic uncertainty. As the staff member responsible for fiscal accounting and contribution database management, I see every day the kindness of others.

I've done my research, and I am willing to admit that I am a bit weary of giving to large charities like the red cross and others that advertise nationally. The idea of less than 3 cents of every dollar actually benefiting the cause is reprehensible.  The overhead cost for program management, advertising, and staff is atrocious. If they are truly a charity then perhaps they should house their organization in a company like we do here at the Oregonian, where staff time to the seasonal campaign is part of our normal job scope, and the charity doesn't have to pay for our efforts and involvement. Isn't that what charity is all about? Is it really charity of you have to pay me to do the work?

I love that we can say of the $313 thousand + dollars we raised last year that more than $289 thousand went directly to distributions. A small amount went to overhead cost like postage and materials for the stockings, and a small amount stayed in the account for the initial cost of the next years campaign.

If your interested in donating to a charity that gets it done and maximizes its contributors impact on the community, I might recommend the Season of Sharing. You can mail donations if your interested to the following address:

Season of Sharing, The Oregonian, 1320 SW Broadway, Portland, OR 97216

Checks should be made out to "Season of Sharing" or you can make donations via credit card at https://secure.oregonian.com/sos/

To see profiles in our WishBook for this years recipients go to  http://www.oregonlive.com/special/sharing/
 

Winning the Mega Millions

Do you play the lottery?  It seems today, and the past few days, every where I turn, TV, Radio, even the 7-Eleven  around the corner from my house, people have lost their minds.

Standing in line to buy a 1 in 175 million chance at winning a fortune, not really my thing.  I enjoy playing the odds, but I prefer to do it on my own terms and with much better chances.

I enjoy an day at the Indian casino playing the penny and nickle slots.  I enjoy a scratcher or playing keno in a restaurant while waiting for my Sunday morning bloody mary breakfast.  I can even buy into playing some of the lesser known lottery games with significantly smaller jackpots but greatly increased odds. I'm not greedy, I don't need to win a half billion dollars, I could do just fine with $10,000 or $100,000. Enough to pay off my debts and enjoy life a little and still leave something in the bank for a rainy day. :) 

Today's jackpot is a half a billion dollars.  If you are the winner they suggest that you take the pay of nearly 375 million after taxes. You see if you were to take payments because of the changes in taxes to the wealthy next year, you would lose another 75 million dollars.  They say if your going to play records show that there is a 50/50 split in winners who went with quick picks and those who picked their own numbers.  As Clint Eastwood says in his role as Dirty Harry " Do you feel lucky? Well.. Do you?". 

If your going to play, experts tell you to avoid the number 3, 7, and 11 because they are most commonly picked by people and least common in the actual results.  You should also pick numbers less than 31. The most common two numbers to show up on large jackpots like this one are 28 and 29. 

The best advice I've heard today came from my radio show jock this morning on my drive in, and I've already eluded to it, play a smaller lottery. While every one rushes to throw their hat in the ring for the big win, your odds of winning the smaller pots increase, substantially.

As for me, I think I'll hold on to my money this holiday season, I can appreciate the fascination and fantasy of quick and easy money, but I also find value in being fiscally responsible.  That shoeless woman without a coat  who reeks of cigarettes and booze at 7:00 a.m. should not be spending her public assistance money on lottery tickets.

If you are going to play, let me wish you luck Hunger Games style as I say "May the odds be ever in your favor".  If you do win, remember me, I am your friend, your relative, your next door neighbor, your co-worker, and you love me. :)

Bows or Wreaths, Tinsel or Garland

Its true we all have our own preferences and traditions for celebrating the holiday season. So I thought today I would pose a few of those questions and see how you respond.

1. Bow or Wreath - Do you adorn your front door, or your fireplace or some other focal wall inside or outside of your home?  I am uncommitted here. I waffle back and forth from year to year between the bow and the wreath.  The one constant is that they are always fresh and hung on my front door to greet any visitor who may come knocking.
2. Tinsel or Garland - or you may chose nothing at all. The garland can be made from tinsel, cranberries, popcorn, or whatever you desire. The tinsel, sadly these days is usually plastic and has a terrible static cling to it, I would never waste my money. But I have REAL lead tinsel. That's right old world Germany, real lead tinsel. I use it less and less frequently because it is brittle in its old age and breaks easily. It must be handled with care and both put on and taken off one strand at a time, but the weight and shimmer of it  give it a beauty and charm like something rarely seen in homes today. I had to keep an eye on the boys when they were little to make sure no-one put it in their mouth, there is a minor risk of lead poisoning if ingested, but then again, isn't supervising and watching our children just part of being a responsible parent (and pet owner).
3. Colored  or White - Lights on the tree?  Again I am uncommitted, I like both. I typically by one or the other and use them for years until they begin to fade and burn out and then I replace them. For years and years I had colored but they began to fade so I replaced them with white. Jeff and the boys don't like the white so they will move to the hedges this year and we will once again return to colored lights.
4. Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning - When do you open your presents? We actually open one present EVERY Christmas Eve and the rest wait until Christmas Morning.  Every year I buy new Christmas PJ's for Everyone! On Christmas Eve we open our PJ's, wear them to bed, and awaken on Christmas Day in our new pajamas as we sit around the tree to open the rest of our gifts.  This has been a tradition since the boys were born and will be the same for all their lives, no matter how old they get, it will expand to wives and grandchildren as they start their own families, and they can always count on new PJ's From me.  Also a new tree ornament every year. 
5. Order or Eclectic - Is your tree one of matching colors and matching ornaments and everything perfectly spaced or is it like mine, a representation of your life and that of your children through the years. A collection of ornaments, some traditional, some pop culture, some personal interest, some travel, and some hand/homemade. Each ornament tells a story and the tree is very full. As the boys move out and have their own trees they will each take their collection with them and I will have to complete my tree using ornamental bulbs. But for now,  the bulbs are few and ornaments aplenty.
6. Egg Nog or Cider - Which do you prefer? I am not a fan of Egg Nog. The whole raw egg thing does me in.  I much prefer cider. I even enjoy a crock pot on low with cider brewing all day on a cold winter day at home. The smell of cinnamon and spice wafting through the house is delightful and comforting.  

That should get us started. Share your holiday preferences and tell me more if you have the time. I love hearing of new things, new traditions, new ways to celebrate the holiday.  

Joy to the World. May your Holidays be Happy and Warm.

The Commercialization of Holidays

The Holidays are indeed my favorite time of year.  Its not about the gifts, or even the gathering of  family. For me, its about the spirit and the atmosphere.

I love the colors and scents and styles of the holidays.  I love the crisp clean air. I love the twinkling of lights downtown and in the neighborhoods as long as they remain classy, tasteful, and not garish. Extreme is nice as long as it has a cohesive flow to it. I'm not about the hodgepodge effect.

I love the colors of the holidays, the deep tones of red and burgundy, forest green, and gold. I love scents of pine, cranberry, and spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, and mint.

People seem to be kinder during the holidays. Warmer spirits perhaps lifted by the joy of others.

I love winter styles. Sweaters and boots, and tights, and scarves and gloves and hats. I love the natural blush of a cheek from a cold winter breeze. The falling leaves, the naked trees, in all their stark and stripped down beauty. I love the holiday season with the harmony of carols, and the excitement of children.  There is truly no better time of year.

But it should be confined to that special time of year.

Commercialization of the holiday, bastardizes its meaning and its impact. It dilutes the joy and the pleasure of  those 4-6 weeks and diminishes its value.

Nothing is more irksome to me than to see "Christmas in July" sales in stores. This year Christmas displays and commercials on TV started before Halloween was even here.  Each year it seems to become more and more of a campaign about big business and retail.  And its disgusts me. Why can't we focus on one holiday at at time as they come.  Its not only Christmas that gets swept into the dustpan, but you can be certain that come New Years eve you will already be seeing Valentines displays in the stores, and by Valentines day you will see Easter.

All of these holidays, which once felt as if they meant something, are now about money, gifts, and who spent the most. How did we let this happen?

I love homemade presents, jams and jellies, cookies, and teas, scarves and knit caps. Its not about who spends the most, or buys the biggest present, its about, as cliche' as it sounds, "The Thought" behind the giving.  Some of the best presents I have ever received were made by my children.

I would much rather see a smile on someone else face than to worry that their pocket book is empty because of me.  I would much rather have an evening of laughter and fun with my kids than an extravagance  unnecessary.  I am not a proponent of undue stress and overindulgence and I think the commercialization of the holidays actually takes the joy and celebration out of them for many people who can't afford to be frivolous.

Here is my challenge to you, limit your spending this year and for years to come. Truly limit it.  Be creative. A gift from the heart is much greater than a gift from the pocketbook. A family dinner, a family game night, a evening of cuddling in the hammock with a fire pit and hot cocoa. A handmade card, a homemade meal, a plate of holiday sweets and treats. Learn to can, or learn to make candles or homemade soap.  Draw a picture and put it in a frame, take a picture and put in a frame.  Take back your holiday season from the big corporations and giant retail conglomerates,  make it yours, and make it special again.

Its not about having 39 presents under the tree, its about love, and hope, and giving of yourself, not your paycheck.

Happy Holidays, May they be filled with love. 

The Writing on the Wall

I recently read an article about a group of parents in the art community who believe in the encouragement of children in self expressionism and art.

On the surface I was in complete support of this theory.  I have two sons, one is artistically driven and the other is much more academic.  I can see the value and purpose in both and work hard not to distinguish between the two but to embrace and encourage them both in their natural inclinations.

My oldest son is creative, and free spirited. His view of the world is through the eye of an artist and his viewpoint s and choices in life reflect his appreciation of the eclectic beauty in all things.

My youngest son, is driven by logic. He is academic in his approach to all things and he is highly competitive in nature.  This results in a self driven push for excellence in school and life, and he sees the world in more of a black and white pattern.

Both of my children bring balance to each other, and they inspire and challenge one another to see things through alternate perspectives.

I have always encouraged my children to follow their dreams and have provided every avenue possible to ensure they have the opportunities they need to be happy in their chosen life paths.

The article I read was, on the surface, in line with my parenting approach. Then I read further.

The parents in this article believe that promoting and encouraging self expression is part and parcel with free reign. Now I might be paraphrasing, but the gist of the article was that children should be allowed to express themselves with out consequence.  Write on the wall, paint on the walls, speak freely, chose their own style, eat as they like, all without consequence.  All without guidance or interjection or influence. Allow them to develop freely without hindrance, and they will become what they are meant to be. 

As I read the article, I found my jaw on the floor and my blood boiling and I think I even vomited a little in the back of my throat.  I was disgusted. It was apparent that all rules of parenting and child development were thrown out the window as was any parental responsibility or roles.  I saw a community of parents too lazy and disinterested in being parents to complete the task,. They found their own twisted way of justifying their bad parenting and making it sound glamorous.  Most of these parents, buy the pictorials provided, were of extreme wealth and privilege and were probably raised by nanny's or servants and completely absent parents themselves.  The photos showed room in million dollar mansions completely defaced and destroyed by children out of control.

I propose that the concept or theory, though sound in nature, was not functional or appropriate in its execution.  Encourage the artist, by the paints and easels, instructors, and tutors.  But teach them to harness their gifts and apply them productively and with respect for the world and people around them.  We are a society where rules are part of the game, and to teach a child that rules don't matter, is doing them a disservice.

I love both the arts and the academics but I believe that children need limits and rules and age appropriate freedoms of choice.  Allowing a child to develop and grow without guidance is asking and planning for a socially stunted adult. 

If your going to sign up for parenthood, please read the writing on the wall, and know it requires time and effort and engagement. If you simply want to sit back and watch, then rent a movie or go to a park.  Think before you pro-create and don't push the responsibilities on someone else or neglect it all together. Sometimes your going to be the villain and other times the hero, but in the end , its all worth the effort.

Today......

I will take in the smiles of my children and their friends and appreciate the joy they bring to my life.

I will enjoy the laughter of others and know that joy is one of lifes sustaining forces

I will remember my ancestors and pay tribute to my heritage and honor where I came from.

I will revel in the overload on my senses of aromas and flavors of the season. Fresh Turkey and nutmeg and allspice.

I will appreciate the amazing friends I have who are also like family, for family is not just about blood but heart. 

I will cherish my life, for all it has been and is yet to be.

I will chose to see the blessings all around me, and the world as it, in all its remarkable glory.

I will acknowledge that there are things greater than I can even imagine, driving us forward, directing our paths

I will trust my instincts and my heart in all I do, and all I say.

I will rest easy and be THANKFUL for the good and the bad, because they shape my world and wisdom

I will give THANKSGIVING for waking up, taking a breath, opening my eyes, and the gift of another day.

You made Me a Better Person

Today I lost a sister, Elizabeth Dawn Feezell Goss. She passed sometime in the night and her husband found her this morning. I face the harsh reality that life is fragile and all those tomorrows we wait for and count on, may never come.

Marcus loved Dawn so very much. He took care of her and he adored her. He was patient and kind and she was lucky to have him. His heart breaks at the uncertainty of life without her, and I ache for the pain I know he feels.  Dawn struggled with serious health issues for some time, Lupus, Thyroid,  Fibroid-Mialgia, & Asthma to name a few, but she was happy and always had positive things to say when she and I connected.

Over the years I haven't been very close with my own siblings and at times I have felt very alone. Dawn was my cousin, but she became a sister  to me.  The last time I saw her, I was dropping her off at the Airport on her way home from a follow up surgery related to her recent hip replacement. As Dawn hugged me goodbye that day, she held me tight and looked me in the eyes and simply said "I am your sister, nothing makes me prouder".

We connected regularly, sometimes daily, sometimes every couple of days. We talked about love, and children, and life. We laughed and cried, and she encouraged me through one of the most difficult experiences of my life when my Wyatt moved to California for a short while in 2011.  She never let me give up, and I loved her for it.  I was there for her when her mom passed only a month ago, and she was one of the most courageous people I knew.

This year we were planning to spend Thanksgiving together. We were both so excited for the holiday and connected every day, sometimes several times a day just to plan the menu.  On the agenda was cooking side by side, family games, laughter, some late night girl talk, the exchange of childhood memories, and joy. 

I am so sad that we will not be able to see it through. I am sad for Marcus, as I know this will be very difficult for him. I will pray for peace and comfort to envelop him and calm him. I will pray for courage as he faces the days and weeks ahead. I am sad for her sons, and the loss of a mother who loved them endlessly. For her grand babies who will never get to know the comfort and love of her boundless adoration for them. I am sad for her father and her brothers who lost a daughter and a sister. She will be missed by so many.

I rejoice that she is with my Aunt Pat, her mother, who will welcome her.  Who better to share eternity with, while waiting for other loved ones, than a mother with her  daughter. I rejoice in the peace of knowing Dawn is no longer sick. Her body is once again whole and complete and she is free. Dawn has passed the test and
is beginning her next adventure on the road to eternity. I will hope for an easier path this time.

I loved Dawn and though my heart breaks at the absence she has left in my heart and those who knew and loved her, I know my sorrow is selfish. It is for me and my loss.  It is normal, I understand that, and the tears will flow for a while, but in the end, I will embrace that she is blessed. Her journey here is complete, and a new one begins. How exciting for her.

Rest Easy Dawn.  I will be forever grateful for the time we had to become reacquainted and not just friends but sisters.  I Love You Always! You made me a better person.

Namaste

Every morning as I get ready for work, Jeff starts my car for me so that it has time to warm up, not because the engine needs it, but because he wants me to be comfortable when I get in and start my drive. Sweet right?  I know, lucky girl and spoiled too.

Each morning , no matter what he is doing, he joins me as I get ready to leave the house and gives me a hug, walks me to the door, steps outside and waits until I am out of the gate.  He always tells me to have a good day in some form, and I can tell you honestly that the few days this hasn't happened because we are cranky, or upset, the handful of days (yes i can literally count them on 1 hand) I miss my morning farewell, my day usually goes like crap.  This ritual really does set the tone and temperature of my days success. Its one of the things I love him for.

This morning instead of saying , "have a nice day", Jeff being silly said "Namaste".  he then asked what exactly it meant. You see he only said it because it sounded similar to have a nice day so he thought he'd try it.

Now don't panic, neither of us is jumping into Hindu, but I thought about it and it is actually is a very  pleasant and respectful salutation.

I thought I would share with you the meaning of Namaste and its origin and use around the world.

Namaste (formal: Namaskar/Namaskaram) is a common spoken valediction or salutation originating from the Indian subcontinent. It is a customary greeting when individuals meet, and a valediction upon their parting. A non-contact form of salutation is traditionally preferred in India and Namaste is the most common form of such a salutation. The prefer not to hug, (so Jeff's hug prior to his declaration of Namaste sort of invalidated it). When spoken to another person, it is commonly accompanied by a slight bow made with hands pressed together, palms touching and fingers pointed upwards, in front of the chest. This gesture, called Añjali Mudrā or Pranamasana, can also be performed wordlessly and carries the same meaning.
Namaste is derived from Sanskrit and is a combination of two words, "Namaḥ" and "te". Namaḥ means 'bow', 'obeisance', 'reverential salutation' or 'adoration', and te means 'to you' (dative case of 'you'). Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow to you" translated as "I bow to you".  'Namaskar' is derived from Sanskrit and is a combination of the two words, "Namaḥ" and "kaar". As noted above, "Namaḥ" is a salutation. "kaar" means 'form' or 'shape' and refers to the phenomenon that the other entity (person) presents. Thus, the older salutation essentially means "I salute [your] form", which implies an understanding that all beings in this existence are part of the surface phenomenology of Maya and that beyond the surface, so to say, all beings are part of Brahman, or the One ultimate essence that underlies all.

In India, Namaste is a friendly greeting in written communication, or generally between people when they meet. When used at funerals to greet the guests, the verbal part is usually omitted. When the hand position is higher, it usually means reverence for worship. Thus, The expression with hands placed on top of one's head is usually the sign of utmost reverence or respect.

The aayubowan (meaning: wish you a long life) gesture is also a cultural symbol of Sri Lanka and Sri Lankan hospitality. In Nepalese culture, namaste is performed when a younger family member meets older relatives. It also varies depending upon social status and prestige. The person with lower status or prestige performs namaste first to show respect for the higher station the other person has achieved. In Sikh scripture, Namaste, Namastung or Namastvung is referenced as salutation to the Primal being, the One God. The salutation is followed by an attribute respecting a quality of the creator of all religions, Akal. Sikhs also fold their hand as in Namaste, but their greeting is Sat Sri Akal. In Sindh, Pakistan, the añjali mudra, though extremely rare, is still maintained even by Sindhi Muslims. The gesture is widely used throughout Asia and beyond. It first appears c.4000 years ago on the clay seals of the Indus Valley Civilization.

In Houston, Texas, USA, American football star Arian Foster of the Houston Texans uses the Namaste gesture after every touchdown.

As it is most commonly used, Namaste is roughly equivalent to "greetings" or "good day," in English, implicitly with the connotation "to be well". As opposed to shaking hands, kissing or embracing each other in other cultures, Namaste is a non-contact form of respectful greeting and can be used universally while meeting a person of different gender, age or social status.

The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra.The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another.

I'm fairly certain that Jeff (nor I for that matter) truly understood the  meaning of Namaste when he used it this morning.  But I kind of like it.  Although I am much more fond of the contact greeting and farewells (I'm a hugger, just ask anyone), I see no reason why I can't do both. Hug and say Namaste.  I think I'll add it to my repertoire, right there next to 'Merry Meet, Merry Part, & Merry Meet Again'. I think I'll start with this sweet gopher. 

Attic Mice

Attics and basements, though once common place in nearly every home, are now relegated to older homes or homes built in regions with varying degrees of extreme weather.  We have both attics and Basements here in the northwest, but they are primarily found in only older homes. New houses don't seem to see the need or cost justification in including them in the build spec.

Attics and basements, both, provide a very beneficial element to a home. They can be used for extra storage space, or extra entertainment or living space depending on how large the area is and to what degree it is  "finished".

When we moved closer to Portland almost two years ago, I initially wanted a home with a basement in it. Price was my opponent at the time, and we found we simply couldn't afford the older cottage style homes in the right neighborhood with either a finished or unfinished basement. I wasn't picky, I would have taken either, but they were significantly out of my price range.

We found a small but cozy house instead with attic space.  Its actually quite roomy and stores a significant amount although it does require a crawl stance because there is genuinely no room to stand.  I like my attic for the storage and easy access it provides, but I do have my concerns.

Yesterday I required access and time in the attic to retrieve some historical family records.  There are a few observations I would like to share. In the summer, the attic is hotter than heck. If you ever want to lose 10 pounds of water weight, climb up in my attic in the middle of summer. In fifteen minutes or less you will sweat pounds away but be be careful climbing down. The ladder can be dangerous when you are light headed from near heat stroke.

In the Winter, my attic is quite the opposite, it is cold, very cold. Mittens and Scarves might be appropriate.

Also I don't like tight spaces and although the attic is roomy as attics space goes, it is still a confined space, and I don't appreciate the panic and anxiety I feel when I am up there. Limited space, dark corners, the potential for spiders. Not necessarily an environment for tranquility and meditation.

And so I think of others who have spent their time in attics and basements. Basements are usually relegated to the horror film and you may find chains and bodies and inbred mutants lurking behind that support beam. Attics are more common in literature and pop culture. Anne Frank and her whole family spent time in an attic. Serious props, because even though it was a survival necessity, they had a whole family hidden up there. Cinderella, she kept it clean and organized and even made friends with the mice (who can forget Gus Gus).  Me, If I see a mouse, the exterminator will be paid a pretty penny to make certain Gus Gus and all his friends are dearly departed.  And then there was Flowers in the attic, who would lock four lovely mischievous children in an attic just to gain a little wealth?  OK Stupid question, too many people to write about.  Sad but True.

Chevy Chase got stuck in the attic during National Lampoons Family Christmas, and The Grudge had hidden corpses in the attic.

In the end , I  like my attic space, but I don't think I'll be spending any unnecessary time up there.  Simply not my cup of tea.

Exes - Its Not Easy or Logical

Not everyone can relate, but if you have an Ex then maybe this will make sense.

Some people are fortunate to be friends with their Exes.  This is cool I guess if it works.  To be able to spend time together without the hostility and tension and the need to walk on eggshells as you avoid any topic of potential conflict which, lets face it, can be just about every topic.  It would be nice to be on friendly and mutually respectful terms with my ex.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that relationships like that only happen on the Hollywood screen and in books.  I think that its far more likely that the relationships of exes are always tentative in nature, waiting for the next big explosion of accusation, mistrust, jealousy, and derision.

I know that for an eternal optimist this sounds rather pessimistic, but its not really.  Knowing what I face when I communicate with my ex keeps me grounded in reality and helps me to manage the outcome much more successfully. Eyes wide open.

There is a reason after all that we became exes? Right? In Hollywood they simply grow apart and for a brief moment in the script they argue intensely and then miraculously find a mutual respect and understanding for each other and decide to spend holidays and birthdays and all kinds of events together as they move on with their lives.  In real life, there is an ongoing conflict which builds and builds until one day it reaches a crescendo that results in one or the other person deciding that enough is enough and walking away.  There may be a period of second guessing and the contemplation of reconciliation, but then the epiphany hits that it really is over and there is no going back.  And why would you?

Even if the conflicts leading up to the split are mildly unbearable, when it actually happens, the person not making the decision feels rejected and that leads to additional feelings of anger and resentment. 

In my case, the longer I was away from the tumultuous and both unhealthy and unhappy relationship that my marriage had become, the more free I felt and the more clearly I could see things. Confusion which emanated from the relationship in its most dark place, was suddenly gone and I realized I had been existing in a poisonous fog for a while. I had been in a marathon swim in a pool of self doubt and ridicule for so long that I had lost sight of me.

As time worked in my favor I gained strength and confidence and a belief in my self that had been, not just buried but absent from my world for years.

I started trying to deal with things as they related to my ex using logic and reasoning.  Unfortunately for logic and reasoning to work, the other party has to be logical and reasonable. The more logical I became, the more irrational and illogical he became. Frequent bouts of cursing and yelling ensued of which I was on the receiving end. At first I patiently tolerated them, but they ultimately became intolerable and I began to take a defensive stance. But my defensive tone only exacerbated the illogical tantrums. In the end I determined to treat the behavior like a child throwing a tantrum.  I wouldn't allow or accept the tantrums anymore, disengaging and ending the call, "I'm not your wife anymore and you are not aloud to speak to me that way. I'm hanging up and we can discuss this again when you can speak to me like a human being",  in essence sending him to his room until he could speak to me calmly and with respect. Silence would reign for hours with an eventual return call, still illogical in nature but no longer riddled with cursing and yelling. and that only resulted in more illogical reactions and behaviors. 

I think what happens when one person takes a position of control and power in a  relationship and then ultimately loses that power and control, they lose touch with reality and composure.  The brightest and most intelligent person, man or woman, when faced with rejection and the loss of control, may become completely illogical and irrational.  They may have control in every other aspect of their lives, but in this relationship, they show no restraint or semblance of logic. The emergence of neanderthal man is evident as the illogical simply see "Fire good, big lizard bad".

Its not easy dealing with an ex who craves control and power over everything in their life only to realize they have no control or power remaining over you.  They try to find those buttons, and for a while remnants of them may flutter about here and there, but as time goes on the buttons lose their function and ultimately disappear. You find your voice and your power and your courage. And they don't like it.

I will deal with my ex on some level until our youngest son reaches 18, and then any interactions we have will be solely at "Life Event" functions. Our co-parenting will be officially over. In the meantime, I will continue to rely on logic to define my choices and paths in dealing with my ex, and I will hope that at some point logic and patience win out. Its hard every day anticipating his reactions or lack of logic in dealing with his children and with me. All I can do is stay focused, on-point, and remain honest in my dealings with him until they are no longer required.

18 months and counting.........

Love is Unconditional

Love - Its a big word and it means a lot of things to each of us and yet it is as unique as a fingerprint for every living creature it touches.

We all desire to be loved and to love in return. We all seek the acceptance and comfort love fills us with.

Just like every other person on the planet, I have spent my life wanting nothing more than simply to be loved.

I won't lament about my childhood.. In the end and with hindsight, I can see my parents did the best they could. There were struggles, and there were mistakes, but in truth no family is perfect.  I believe my father loved me with everything he had to give, and I believe my mother loves me now, and that's all that matters. Everything else is history.

To the casual observer, my search for love has been interesting to say the least. Some have judged me by my failures and missteps along the way, but who hasn't made mistakes, and 'let he without sin, cast the first stone'.  Whats that,  no stones being thrown? Well then....moving on.

The truth is, I have a thick skin,  and am used to the stigma and judgment that comes from people about divorce.  It is is only magnified by the fact that I have done it twice.  But the reality is that some of us search our whole lives for that partner that brings balance to the world we live in, and never find it. Sometimes it's trial and error. And some people hit the lottery and get it right the first time.  They are the minority, the few, the lucky.  But keep in mind that there are also those who are stuck in that first marriage without love, without joy, and without hope.  They exist from day to day because of arbitrary expectations that bar them emotionally from pursuing divorce and seeking a happier and more fulfilled life.

I try to live by the mantra, if at first you don't succeed, try try again. I know that is so unexpected when it comes to love, but sometimes its necessary.

Love should complete us. It should be as gentle as the pillow you lay your head on to sleep at night. It should warm you when your cold and energize you when you need that last boost of gusto.  Love should be calming when you are at rest, and fun when you are playful and love should keep you company when you are lonely.

Love isn't about control or power over someone less than you. Love is not cruel and violent. Love should not be secretive, or deceptive, or full of lies.  Love is not demeaning, and soul crushing, it's not about tearing someone down and stealing their self esteem and hope. Love is not about one person, it is about two people. Its not about seeking escape, but rather coming together.

Love is unity and respect and acceptance and encouragement. 

It's true I married and divorced...twice... and in the end I came full circle and fell in love with a boy I dated as a girl.  Funny how our lives do that to us sometimes. We go out, we explore, we live, we learn, and when we are ready, fate finds a way to sometimes take us back to the beginning.Its our own personal 'Do Over'.

My first marriage, was all about the secrets and deception, it was a life built on a web of lies that fell apart soon after it began.  My second marriage, was about control, power, and selfishness. It was cruel and destructive and when it ended it was liberating.  My relationship now, is about respect, and joy, support and consideration.  It is about two people who have been through dark times and have stepped into the light.  Its easy and comfortable and it is life affirming.

Love, is complicated, if it wasn't it would be worth it. But it should never be destructive to spirit, mind, or body. I may have taken a long road to get there, but I wouldn't change a thing.  I have learned so much along the way and experienced life as an extreme sport, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am a strong woman today in part due to the paths I have taken to find love,  and I appreciate the experience of it that much more because of where I've been.

Love Freely, Love Equally, Love Respectfully, Love With All Your Soul!

Anarchy Reigns

A quick blog, I Promise. It was a moment of Anarchy in our house this morning, and it was hysterical.

Every morning we have virtually the same routine. The alarm goes off we hit the snooze button twice, we hear the question of day, remark on how stupid that was (every day it was the stupidest question ever) and we get up as Good Morning America tells us whats on Que for the day. I pick up the pillow shams tossed aside when we went to bed and place them on top of the pillows, Jeff puts the dogs out.

This week, we changed the routine slightly for Jeff. Because of the changes in temperatures, the dogs have decided that they don't like it.  We have indoor plumbing and they want it too, so when they go outside in the mornings, rather than make their way to the cold wet grass to do their business, they go straight from the back door to the dog house. This creates a problem, because although they still do their doody business outside on the lawns, they have elected to pee in their blankets in the dog house, and then lay in them.  Its a communal dog urinal and everyone is invited. Gross, I know!. Then they smell like urine and we have to bathe them every few days and the extra baths mean their skin drys out, and its just a huge domino effect of pain in the arse.

So....This week Jeff has taken to going outside first and blocking off the dog house door  until morning restroom duties are complete.  Its working VERY well, as the dogs still smell freshly bathed from Saturday.. WINNING!

This morning Jeff forgot the block. So as he woke the babies and opened their kennel door, they ran to the back door as always, but as he got there he realized his mistake and left them inside for the briefest of moments while he stepped out to block the doghouse entrance.....and that is where the anarchy began.

As I was picking out my tights for the day, and turned my back to the chair Nina and Sprocket share for sleeping, I heard collars. Lots of Jingle Jangle, unnatural jingle jangle.  When I turned around, uncharacteristically, both mom and dad were up and stretching and shaking off their blankets (they usually feign sleep for as long as possible to avoid going outside). Then suddenly there was a third dog on the chair with them.  Playing ensued. Wrestling and growling and running around the bedroom, then came the fourth, running in then running out, up the hallway and back. Jeff at the back door calling names, none of the dogs responding, and me informing him through laughter as I dodged dogs running through my feet and around my ankle, "You have lost all control".  He finally rounded the four of them up and nearly had them out the back door, when Clutch (the baby boy) made a run for it.  Back to see me, running jumping, rolling over on his back for a quick tummy rub and neck scruff then he was ready to go.

It was total wiener dog anarchy, hilarious to watch, but I hope they don't think this is going to be an every day thing.  I like my structure  & orderly routines.

Giving Thanks

Everywhere I look this month there are people giving daily thanks.  Its an old tradition made new and sparked by social networking, and the participation seems to build each year.

I get it, November is the month for the American holiday of Thanksgiving.  Its that time of year when we all reflect on all the things in our life that we seemingly take for granted the rest of the year.  Unfortunately, because of the social pressure to have something significant to express each day, most of the platitudes I  see have become precisely that....platitudes.  They are the same from person to person and post to post, and I lose interest.  Not that I don't care about your thanks, but I prefer to see genuine and personal efforts put into them.  We are all grateful for our family, our health, our jobs, etc... What I would love to see are those deeper more profound things that have impacted your life this year.  If this is the direction you take in expressing your thankfulness, then each year will be unique and different, the idea being that the lessons you learned and experienced this year will take you to new places next year.  Following this formula you may not have something to say each day.....and guess what,  that's o.k..  For me, it is quality over quantity, substance over fluff.


I am a very grateful person, but I try very hard not to take for granted, ever,  those people in my life that I cherish. Because of this, I tell them throughout the year how thankful I am for them.  If I were to follow the social leads demonstrated, I could say something like "I'm thankful for my friends", which in itself is very general and indeterminate.  It is broad-scoped and may help to avoid leaving anyone out or hurting any feelings, but because I say it regularly and my friends know how valued they are to me, I know and trust that none of them will be offended if lay tribute to only one. Thus, for 2012 I would say, I am thankful for my new friend Rustie who makes me smile and taught me never to judge a book by its cover or take the word of others over my own experience and judgement. Rustie is a beautiful woman with a kind heart and I enjoy the time I spend with her. She truly makes me smile.

I could say, "I am grateful for my job". But again, this is very generic and doesn't really reflect my life specifically.  Instead I will say, I am thankful for job I have found with The Oregonian. After a tumultuous 2011 which included a layoff from my job of 5 1/2 years, a misfire with a Jr. Hockey League (boy I really didn't know what I was getting myself into with that one), and several short term contract positions, I landed long term with the Oregonian on December 28th 2011 and have spent the entirety of 2012 with a great team.  The Newspaper industry and the world view of media in general is ever changing, but the Oregonian changes with it, and that provides them with a resurgence of new life at every turn. I am thankful for the faith they have in me and their willingness and patience to teach me new things as I grow with them each day.

Other generic thanks typically go out to health and family too. Let me simply say I am thankful that I am always able to keep an open mind and an open heart and that I never close a door when it comes to people.   I am thankful that I have found my inner extrovert and that I courageously reach out, even at the risk of rejection, because sometimes it pays off and an old relationship becomes new and exciting. I am thankful for a partner who understands my insecurities and my independence, and who loves me to the moon and back. This year he supported my fascinations with wine, cooking, and hats and he never snarked. I am thankful for two boys who have grown into young men and who I know will change the world even if its only their small corner of the world, for the better. This year, after a year of being away, my Wyatt came home with a profound appreciation and love for the home I give him and the love of his mom. This year Brandon got his first real job and began his transition to being an independent adult. I am thankful that in spite of the challenges they faced of a broken home, and strained and sometimes absent relationship with their father, that they are strong and focused on the kind of men they want to be, the families they will have, and the love they will express to their wives. They have taken the examples they have witnessed and designed their vision of what to do and what not to do.

Lastly I am thankful for the voice I have found through my words and my writing. I know its sounds silly, and simplistic, but  this blog was a leap of faith and courage for me.  I don't share my mind with but a few people within my very small and tightly wound inner circle, and this blog opened me up to anyone who chooses to read it.  It is a sign of trust and vulnerability, but also a huge growth opportunity.  I gain confidence and comfort knowing I'm not alone in my crazy little world and that I am understood by more people than I would ever have dreamed.

So in all, I think there are 5 major Thankfuls for me (in no specific order...Rustie, The Oregonian, Jeff, Brandon & Wyatt, and my Blog) , I could not fill a month of daily platitudes without going straight up generic, so I'll reserve my Thanksgiving thankfuls to a few but never forget to say a thousand thankfuls throughout the year.   

The Art of Euphemisims - A Kinder Way to be Unkind

So today, just like every Tuesday, I was having lunch with some friends, and the topic led us to something someone had done, or not done as was actually the case, that was really stupid.  Never one to miss an opportunity to banter about  a few euphemisms, I threw a few of these out and realized there is a veritable never ending well of these if you really put your mind to it.

These are just a few that scratch the surface to describe that bozo that is always making the dumbest decisions you know:

• Dumber than a Box of Rocks
• 2 Sandwiches Shy of  a Picnic Basket
• Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
• Not the Brightest Star in the Sky
• A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal
• Proof that Evolution Can go in Reverse
• The Cheese Slid off His Cracker
• A Few Cards Short of a Deck
• A Few Colors Short of a Rainbow
• A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding
• About as sharp as a bowling ball
• A poster child for birth control
• A few Bradys short of a bunch
• A few sheep short of a flock
• Too much yardage between his goal posts
• He's about as smart as Fish Bait
• A few screws short of a Hardware Store

There are euphemisms for virtually every situation; pooping, death, boobs, passing gas (a euphemism itself for flatulation). You might 'cut the cheese' or 'buy the farm', be 'pushing up daisies' or "making a deposit in the porcelain bank". Rather you are 'madder than a wet hen', 'happy as a pig in slop', 'please as punch', or 'uglier than a mud fence', you are a walking euphemism at some time and I guarantee you will use at least one sometime today! Remember 'a watched never boils' and 'a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush'.

However you say it, humor seems to soften the blow and bring a smile in the right situation.  Its not always appropriate, but it can be kinder than just outright calling someone an idiot, however deserving they may be.

Straightjacket

When I run into or come across women my age who are grandmothers, it makes me think about the age at which women have children and how that changes from one generation to the next. Age, economics, education, and the evolution of women's rights, and even medical advances, have all impacted the determinate year of life at which women have children and how many children they have.

My mother was 16 when she got pregnant and married shortly after her 17th birthday. In that era it was not acceptable to be an unwed teen mom, and being the daughter of a minister, she was quickly wed.  That fall she gave birth to my oldest brother. I doubt that birth control was widely publicized or easily accessible because over the course of the next ten years my Mother continued having babies.  By the time She was 27 she was raising six children and the toll it took on her body and mind were significant.  At the age of 27 my mother  faced a medically necessary radical hysterectomy.  At the time, this was a serious surgery. There were no laproscopic procedures like they offer today, it wasn't done with lasers, it was done the old fashioned way with scalpels and stitches and the removal of the female reproductive system.  This drastic surgery left her body in a tail spin.  She took hormone replacement therapies for her missing organs and steroidal drugs for her asthma, and any number of other prescriptive medicines.  Her medicine chest was full. Pharmacists didn't think about contraindication measures then, they just filled the prescriptions as the doctors indicated.

As a child I had little understanding of the trauma my mothers body and mind had been through.  I knew her as short fused, frequently cold and withdrawn, quick to snap from hot to cold and back to warm. She could just as easily express love and kindness as she could rage and anger. As a young teen I used to confide to a friend of mine that I thought my mother was crazy and needed a straitjacket.  Kids can be so intuitive and aware, and yet sometimes they fail to see the truth behind the pain.

By the time mom was 37 she was a grandmother for the first time.

As a young woman, I decided early on, after observing my  own mother,  that I would wait until I was ready for children if ever.  I elected from the start, that no matter the circumstances, two would be my limit.  I was 25 when I had my first and 29 with my second. Today I am  45 and don't anticipate grandchildren until well after I turn 50.

This was my choice. The truth is, I was not equipped to follow in my mothers footsteps, or even the footsteps of my siblings.  I suspect that had I followed the lead of those before me I would have surely been in a straitjacket myself. My own personal hell.  6 children was not in my repertoire, nor was early motherhood or grand-motherhood.  It works for some, even in today's modern independent woman's world. 

Statistics show women are having babies much later in life. Becoming mothers after career or world travel.  They are not sacrificing their educations, or freedom as much as in generations past.  There is still a portion of women who yearn for and fulfill their desire to be mothers young in life, some by happenstance and some through planning. There will always be young mothers, teen mothers, but there are more and more women choosing to wait, or not to be mothers at all.  I think I fell in the middle, the in-between, but 30 is the new 20 and 40 the new 30 and children are being born into well established homes at increasing and encouraging rates.  An unplanned pregnancy no longer means immediate shame and humiliation. And it doesn't mean a life destined to a loveless marriage. Women have choices now, more than they did when my mother was still such a young woman. Shame is no longer a stigma. There is no scarlet letter, waiting to pinned on the front of our pinafores, we don't even wear pinafores anymore.

My advice is simple and true.  If your going to have sex, use protection to prevent pregnancy. When you are able to make a conscious and well planned decision to have children, then do so with conviction and dedication and realize it is a lifelong commitment.  If you decide not to have children, then live your life happy and fulfilled in whatever way you see possible and right for you.

Avoid the mistakes and shame of our mothers and grandmothers, and know that you are WOMAN. You are powerful and majestic, rather you chose to use your ability to create life within yourself or not.  You are made to be phenomenal.

I'm Taking a Bereavement Day...

For all those wonderful commercial characters I fell in love with as a child who seem to have dissappeared into the nether world of TV History and the archives of the smithsonian somehwere...

And now a memoriam.....

Mikey - Life Cereal, You ate everything,











Hamburglar, Grimace, Small Fry - McDonald's, where have you gone. Did Ronald have something to do with your disappearance?

Lil Sprout - Green Giant Vegetables - Did the Jolly Green Giant send you away to boarding school. Were you a child star gone wrong? 

 The Noid - Dominos Pizza,  you disappeared into the void.  

 

Michelin Man - perhaps you finally had a blowout on a dark and lonely road.

The Grapevine Band - A tragic loss to Commercial bands everywhere, perhaps its time to come out of retirement.

And our final memorial of the day was on my desk this morning when I arrived at work.

Apparently the Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a Yeast Infection and Traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the Belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and three Children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and the inappropriately named Dill, and they had one in the oven. Services will be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

 

 

It's Only Rain

I find it fascinating how a little playtime with Mother Nature and skilled drivers forget the most basic principles of the road.


I understand slowing down when visibility is limited due to a heavy downpour. I can even embrace the concept and frequent explanation provided that during the first moments of a rain storm the oils on the road may surface and make the roads slick, but this washes away fairly quickly. And when the skies open up and bless us with angels wet kisses (yes I have actually heard that applied to rain, blech) for days on need, the oils don't replenish, they stay washed away.

Here's the gist physicist,  slowing down (to a reasonable speed , not a crawl) in a downpour that hinders your line of sight = good, slowing down in a consistent drizzle with no visual impacts = not good. In fact to all those brakers out there, you are the hazard. 

Have a little faith in your years of driving experience and stay on the gas.  Your brake lights are blinding me in the reflection of the dew drops. You are more likely to crash or cause a crash by playing brake check than by simply maintaining a steady pace.

Being a cautious, aware, alert driver is always a plus. I recommend it always. But being a paranoid,  nervous Nelly, behind the wheel, doesn't serve you or anyone else on the road well.

Remember the gas is on the right, the brake is on the left, and if you have a manual transmission the clutch is on the far left.  Going 30mph in a 60mph zone is not "SAFE" nor is it helpful.  You are an obstacle at this point and need to be removed.  If driving in the rain freaks you out, then perhaps you should take public transportation, or move to a dryer climate, or just stay home.

Remember, its only rain.  It can't hurt you, it can't hurt your car, and  your more likely to hurt yourself by being hesitant than by driving normal. The one exception may be mountainous curvy roads, and I would take those slower anyway.

Is it Random or Schizophrenic

I was reviewing this weekend the variety of post I have written since beginning my blog a month and a half ago, and I was struck by the spectrum of topics hit.  There is no cohesive nature to the thought patterns.  I don't appear to be committed to any specific structure or topical matter.

I read lots of other blogs and have a great appreciation for them.  They act as a window into the lives of people I enjoy reading about, but don't have the opportunity to see and interact with. Most blogs are either very personal, about the day to day activities and interactions in peoples lives, or very content/subject specific.  Some people focus on politics, some on style and fashion, some people focus on the raising of their children, their jobs, flash from the past, and even food and movies. Some Blogs are serious, some are funny, some are informational, and some are sadly neither. Either way, blogs are very personal and unique to the writer. 

What I've found about my blog is that the subject matter is very eclectic.  It is all over the board depending on my mind that day.  The topics are somewhat random, and that leads to the question, is it random or schizophrenic.  I say this jokingly of course, but maybe with a hint of seriousness.  I know my mind is frequently going 20 different directions at any given moment. I know my thoughts are sometimes really off the wall and jumbled. I know I occasionally have those moments of epiphany where a really deep and profound opinion comes through, but most of the time, my blogs are in the moment, and simply RANDOM.

All my life I've wanted to write a book, a novel or some really great story with amazing well built characters,  but I can't seem to stay focused long enough to build their stories or create a cohesive world for them to exist in.  The task, though still a dream, seems unattainable.  I've thought about taking some courses on writing at Portland Community College, but my first priority is getting the boys through college.  So in the meantime, I write here.  Simple, short, cohesive for a moment blogs, and then on to the next.

Are they random or schizophrenic?  I guess it doesn't really matter, as long as they keep coming to me I'll keep writing them.  Sometimes they make me laugh, and sometimes I feel unburdened when I hit "Post".  So, I guess they serve a purpose.

The Dark Room

I'm not referring to a dark room like that you develop photography in,  although the room was certainly dark enough to accommodate the demand if necessary...let me start at the beginning.

I have mini blinds on the windows in my home, it's not my first choice but it's a rental and not really up to me. To hide the ugly factor of the mini blinds, I have installed curtains on my windows.  They are panels purchased, not custom designed, for budget reasons.  They are what the industry calls "black out" curtains, because they are made of material lined in such a way to block out external light when they are closed. An additional benefit is that they are also meant to help keep the cold out and the heat in during the winter months and the heat out and the cool in during the summer months. 

One thing I love about my tiny little house, is that it has an acceptable amount of windows.  I love natural lighting as opposed to the harsh light created by incandescent bulbs.  I love the savings in my electric bill from using natural lighting instead of turning on a lamp all the time.  My curtains usually hang 3/4 open to allow the light of day in and me to see out.  I like watching the weather from the inside out.

Recently I came home from work to find my living room curtains had been full shut. And when I inquired as to who and why, my youngest son informed me that he had done it as a way to keep the cold out.  You see the weather is changing and the season for cold has set upon us. I gave this some serious consideration and decided that perhaps he was on to something.  A way to lower my winter electric bill.  The theory being, that if I closed the curtains and turned the furnace on, that once a comfortable temperature was attained I could lower the furnace setting but the heat would maintain because the closed curtains would help to retain it. 

I closed the curtains and was thrilled with the initial effect.  Until.......

My bedroom is VERY small,  and I mean that.  A queen Size bed and two night stands literally cover the entire width of the room. With the curtains drawn it was nice to be able to change into my bed clothes in my room and not have to wait for the bathroom. Granted we have blinds, but I always worry, especially at night, about the neighbors being able to see in or at the very least see the shadows of movement inside.  So, I usually change in the bathroom.  But with the curtains closed, I found I felt comfortable changing in the room.  The closed curtains gave the room a different feel too.  More formal I think.  Anyway,  I was all for the change until 3 a.m.

I awoke in the wee hours of the morning (not unusual per say, as I typically wake several times every night). The room was unnaturally dark, and it was very disconcerting.  I couldn't for a moment place what had happened or where I was.  I was thirsty and needed to get a drink from the kitchen.  So I swung my legs off the bed and stood up.  From that point on it was a challenge.  Every step was tentative, the room was soooooo dark and suddenly seemed ten times larger.  I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face. The darkness actually made me feel very vulnerable and unsteady.  It took me an inordinate amount of time to make my way to the door (in this very tiny tiny room) , all the while praying not to stub my toes, or run into something.  Simply said,  I found the con to my list of pros and it was a deal breaker.

It may be cost efficient to close the curtains but unless I have an alternate source of light, a flashlight by my bed, a paraffin candle, lightning bugs in a jar, a torch, or a nightlight plugged in to my already overtaxed and underwhelming electrical outlets, the curtains will remain open.  Thank you moonlight, thank you stars, thank you streetlamps, The nip of winter air creeping through the window and blinds is welcome compared to The Dark Room.

Perfect ...Ahem....Naturally

Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw perfection. sweet undeniable perfection.

Yes I know, it can be a bit overwhelming and intimidating, but perfection usually is. 

As I looked in the mirror I noticed, not a hair out of place or off color.  The complexion is perfect without a hint of age or weather.  The eyes were crystal clear, bright and cheery, with long lashes,  and no crows-feet or sagging lids.  There were no wrinkles around the turns of my mouth or cracks in the lips, they are smooth and pretty.

My weight is perfect and everything sits exactly as it should, firm and perky, as if I were still a young woman waiting for life to begin.

I carry myself with poise and dignity always, and never say the wrong thing or make a bad decision.  I am brilliant in my career and my children are perfect, and my home is always spotless.

Dinner is always on the table at exactly the right time and everything is made from scratch.  No short cuts or pre-fab meals allowed.  

I'm perfect.  O.k........ Maybe not exactly perfect but I am PERFECTLY FLAWED.  I am exactly the way I was meant to be.  All of my flaws are little pieces of my character and life and experience.  I say the wrong things sometimes, I am a bit awkward in social situations, sometimes shy until I feel safe enough to open up. I am impatient, and obsessive compulsive.  I make mistakes and I get upset and I drive too fast and I sometimes curse. At the end of a long day I don't always feel like cooking so take out or pre-fab from the freezer is whats on the menu. My kids are wonderful, but perfection is asking a bit too much.  They too are perfectly flawed.

But in my PERFECTLY FLAWED state I am also kind, and fiercely loyal,  my friends recognize me for my professional ethics, but also for my humor.  I am compassionate and caring to those less fortunate by no fault of their own, and I  love deeply and completely when I am loved in return.  I am a contradiction of insecure but confident, needy but independent, and I am Perfect, truly.

Perfect in the skin I wear, the body I walk in, and the life I lead.  No one else could live MY life as well as I do, just as I could never live theirs.

Oh Lord its hard to be humble, when your perfect in every way............

Eyes in the Back of My Head.

Yes, As a matter of fact I do have eyes in the back of my head.  My Eyes in fact can cover a full 360 degree survey of everything that happens around me and can even see things I'm not present for.

I developed this sight moments after you were born and it has improved every year since then. 

My sight sees, not just the tangible things, but words and intentions too. I know when your up to something sneaky. I know when your planning something questionable.  I know when you have done something you shouldn't have or not done something you should have. 

This sight is magical and it is only for mothers.  It develops when our hormones change as we are carrying our babies and is triggered immediately after the baby is born.

Other magical powers we have include:

• Super Sonic Hearing - useful for hearing things that happen on the other side of the house.  We can hear you breath, twitch, we can even hear the cogs on the wheels in you brain turn as you think of things to do next.
• Cone of Silence - This is the opposite of Super sonic Hearing and is most useful in tuning out unnecessary noise.  Incessant crying, whining, arguing, and loud video game engagement.  Also band instruments like Drums, Tuba or Violin.
• Speed Sleeping - This is like speed reading. We can sleep an entire eight hours in only 4 and still remain high functioning superheros. 

There are are other Super powers, but the governing counsel requires us to maintain secrecy and I have already revealed too much.

Just remember, next time you try to get away with something,  I ALWAYS know.  I DO have eyes in the back of my head and everywhere else.  There is nowhere to hide, no place to go that I won't discover.

Love Mom.

Now attending Life 101 at the University of Existence

I believe at the core of who we are, that this life we live, this mortal experience, is a learning experience.  Its like taking a class at the University of Existence, "Life 101".  They don't give A's and F's in this course it's all based on pass or fail grades at this university. It's about showing up, doing the work, and giving it the good old college try.

If you think about eternity, this is barely a blip on the radar.  Do you really think your entire eternal existence is going to be based on this nanosecond?  I actually think this life is more about paying our dues. Everyone has to go through this realm, cross this bridge as it were, to get to the next.  Heavenly Father is not a brute, he is forgiving, benevolent, and kind. I don;t subscribe to the hellfire and brimstone image some churches preach.  I trust that he knows that free will screws things up sometimes and that our paths get wonky every now and then.  This life is about character building.With the experiences and steps I've taken to get where I am, I am building character in spades.  And I love it.

Life is meant to be a challenge.  It has its ups and its downs, and I embrace and accept them all as part of the greater plan.  If you don't believe in a plan but simply instead attribute things to Fate and Karma, then again, I think I'm headed in a good direction.

The key to this test, is to own your choices.  See each step along the way as a link to the next.  Have I made missteps in my life?  Of course I have, who hasn't? But here it is.....I have no regrets. With each step along the way I learned something new. Sometimes the lessons were wonderful and full of joy, and sometimes the lessons were full of pain.  But the the amazing and miraculous part is, each step made me better.  I would venture to say that I gained more wisdom and appreciation for life and the journey, as I struggled through the painful detours.  And I certainly appreciate the happy moments more because I know they can be fleeting and sometimes hard earned.

Its easy to sit back and look at other people and assume that some of them got a better deal because they appear to have less struggle and more reward,  but until you walk a mile in their shoes, you never know.  We each have struggles equal to our ability to cope and manage.  Some people are taking the entry level course to Life 101, and their course and homework assignments ARE easier, but you might have come to this University with higher entry scores and more pre-requisites out of the way, so your taking the more advanced complex course. 

I think whatever lies between here and eternity, my next step is going to be magnificent.  I intend to learn and grow and be the best I can be.  Some people may fail this test of mortality and have to retake the course, while most of us will pass satisfactorily and some will excel at the test of mortality. 

When I take my final exam, I intend to do it with my head held high, and with a firm conviction that I did my best, I have no regrets, and I'm ready for what is behind curtain #3.

Life 101, everyone has to take it.

Bedtimes

As a parent, do/did you establish bedtimes for your children?  I am a huge proponent and great believer in creating a structured environment when raising kids.  I think developing a sense of normalcy, expectancy, and quite simply something they know they can count on, is critical to their growth and development.


I think its important to be flexible in some areas when parenting, but its also necessary to have a set list of constants. Guidelines you can count on to get you through each days challenges and to begin the next.

Parenting is never easy, it shouldn't be. It is one of the most important roles you will ever tackle in your life, and it should be tough and gritty but come with great rewards and moments of jubilation. 

Bedtimes are important for children, not just because it establishes the roles of parent and child, rules and expectations, but for their health as well.  A well rested child is healthier, more active, and more successful in school as well as in their social relationships.  A well rested child engages in the world around them and is more alert and observant.  

Bedtimes are also important for the parents. Rather your single or married, or in a civil union, you need your downtime too.  Time to recharge and collect your thoughts. To be planful in your choices and actions.  If you are always making decisions under stress and in the rush and distraction of parenting, then you are functioning in a reactive mode.  Bedtimes are critical for children because it allows you time to think calmly and schedule life proactively. 

Some children will relish their sleep and respect and even embrace bedtime, and others will fight it their entire lives.  The key is consistency and commitment.  Don't give in.  Stay strong and stand your ground.  It will pay off in the end.

I had a bedtime as a child, and my children had bedtimes too.  My Brandon is an adult (as he reminds me daily) , and makes his own bedtime, but I still recommend strongly when I see him compromising his health and responsibilities for those midnight and early hour activities of mental engagement (frequently video games).  Wyatt is still 16 and therefore still subject to parenting, so he maintains a bedtime on school nights.  I am a little more giving on Weekends and Holiday/Vacations.

Bedtimes are important, not just for children but for adults too. Don't be squishy, make them reliable, you children will eventually appreciate and respect you for it, and you will see them pass it on to the next generation.

Weather Proofing

What measures do you take to prepare for the winterizing of your home and life?

In the Midwest they install storm windows and doors which are intended to add an extra layer of protection and insulation from the freezing temperatures and storms.The have heaters in their driveways to melt the ice and snow.

When I was a little girl I lived the high deserts in California.  We were surrounded by mountains and winter could get very cold and windy since we were essentially in the bottom of a geographic bowl. My mother always added extra blankets to the beds.  We disconnected the water from the swamp cooler and lit the pilot light on the Wall Heater in the Hallway. My mother also covered the Bedroom Windows in aluminum Foil.  I know it sounds really odd, but she said it kept the wind and cold out and the heat in.  I remember placing my hand on the window and feeling how cold the foil was and it made me wonder just how effective it really was.  Even with the windows covered I could hear the wind howling and it made such an eerie sound I was always on edge and afraid.  I never liked the wind.  In addition to keeping the weather out, the foil over the windows also kept the light out and created a very dark place for the winter months.  I think if I was prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) I would have been heavily hit in those early years. Throughout the winter months the foil remained and if it was torn or damaged my mother replaced it.  It was a little disconcerting spending so much time in a room without a window, but it was our winter weatherization and I always knew with spring would come the sunlight again.

In Yorba Linda we didn't really have a need to winterize.  The seasons were for the most part indiscriminate. they Rolled from one into the other and the only signs of winter were slightly cooler temps. Because Orange County lacked the "freeze" we didn't lose the trees and the grass for the season like other regions do.

In the Northwest we do some weatherization. We disconnect our water hoses and put Styrofoam caps over the faucets to insulate them from the freezing temperatures.  We add extra blankets to the beds. We store the oscillating fans for the winter and break out the portable space heaters and we turn the furnace on.  Some houses still heat on oil, so the oil tank is filled. we clean out the fireplaces (if we have one) and we put the locks in the windows which are already double paned for the seasons.  If we have storm doors and windows we install them, though they are not as necessary here as in the Midwest so many people don't have them. We clean the rain gutter of leaves and debris, and we make sure sheds have Dry-z-air in them to absorb the water in the air and safeguard our storage items.

Jeff begins his seasonal regimen of starting my car for me each workday morning so that it has time to warm up and any ice on the windows is melted and cleared before I leave for work.  The house heater kicks on every morning with the alarm alarm clock and we find ourselves using throw blankets for that extra touch of snuggle warmth when we sit to read a book or watch TV in the evening.  We open the windows and blinds less and less to keep the cold out and the warmth in and table lamps replace the natural lighting we rely on in the spring and summer months.  Time changes and we experience shorter days, as the trees lose all their leaves and the grass becomes dry and crunchy under our feet with the cold.  Instead of sandals we wear boots and short sleeve shirts are replaced with sweaters.

I love living in a place where I can tell the difference between the four seasons.  Each Season has its characteristics and they are all easily recognizable and equally wonderful.

Some people are affected by the shortened days and lack of sunlight, but like my Brandon, they have UV lamps and there are ways to combat the SAD.  I don't mind the winter.  I find beauty in each season and appreciate the cycle and change throughout the year.