Exes - Its Not Easy or Logical

Not everyone can relate, but if you have an Ex then maybe this will make sense.

Some people are fortunate to be friends with their Exes.  This is cool I guess if it works.  To be able to spend time together without the hostility and tension and the need to walk on eggshells as you avoid any topic of potential conflict which, lets face it, can be just about every topic.  It would be nice to be on friendly and mutually respectful terms with my ex.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that relationships like that only happen on the Hollywood screen and in books.  I think that its far more likely that the relationships of exes are always tentative in nature, waiting for the next big explosion of accusation, mistrust, jealousy, and derision.

I know that for an eternal optimist this sounds rather pessimistic, but its not really.  Knowing what I face when I communicate with my ex keeps me grounded in reality and helps me to manage the outcome much more successfully. Eyes wide open.

There is a reason after all that we became exes? Right? In Hollywood they simply grow apart and for a brief moment in the script they argue intensely and then miraculously find a mutual respect and understanding for each other and decide to spend holidays and birthdays and all kinds of events together as they move on with their lives.  In real life, there is an ongoing conflict which builds and builds until one day it reaches a crescendo that results in one or the other person deciding that enough is enough and walking away.  There may be a period of second guessing and the contemplation of reconciliation, but then the epiphany hits that it really is over and there is no going back.  And why would you?

Even if the conflicts leading up to the split are mildly unbearable, when it actually happens, the person not making the decision feels rejected and that leads to additional feelings of anger and resentment. 

In my case, the longer I was away from the tumultuous and both unhealthy and unhappy relationship that my marriage had become, the more free I felt and the more clearly I could see things. Confusion which emanated from the relationship in its most dark place, was suddenly gone and I realized I had been existing in a poisonous fog for a while. I had been in a marathon swim in a pool of self doubt and ridicule for so long that I had lost sight of me.

As time worked in my favor I gained strength and confidence and a belief in my self that had been, not just buried but absent from my world for years.

I started trying to deal with things as they related to my ex using logic and reasoning.  Unfortunately for logic and reasoning to work, the other party has to be logical and reasonable. The more logical I became, the more irrational and illogical he became. Frequent bouts of cursing and yelling ensued of which I was on the receiving end. At first I patiently tolerated them, but they ultimately became intolerable and I began to take a defensive stance. But my defensive tone only exacerbated the illogical tantrums. In the end I determined to treat the behavior like a child throwing a tantrum.  I wouldn't allow or accept the tantrums anymore, disengaging and ending the call, "I'm not your wife anymore and you are not aloud to speak to me that way. I'm hanging up and we can discuss this again when you can speak to me like a human being",  in essence sending him to his room until he could speak to me calmly and with respect. Silence would reign for hours with an eventual return call, still illogical in nature but no longer riddled with cursing and yelling. and that only resulted in more illogical reactions and behaviors. 

I think what happens when one person takes a position of control and power in a  relationship and then ultimately loses that power and control, they lose touch with reality and composure.  The brightest and most intelligent person, man or woman, when faced with rejection and the loss of control, may become completely illogical and irrational.  They may have control in every other aspect of their lives, but in this relationship, they show no restraint or semblance of logic. The emergence of neanderthal man is evident as the illogical simply see "Fire good, big lizard bad".

Its not easy dealing with an ex who craves control and power over everything in their life only to realize they have no control or power remaining over you.  They try to find those buttons, and for a while remnants of them may flutter about here and there, but as time goes on the buttons lose their function and ultimately disappear. You find your voice and your power and your courage. And they don't like it.

I will deal with my ex on some level until our youngest son reaches 18, and then any interactions we have will be solely at "Life Event" functions. Our co-parenting will be officially over. In the meantime, I will continue to rely on logic to define my choices and paths in dealing with my ex, and I will hope that at some point logic and patience win out. Its hard every day anticipating his reactions or lack of logic in dealing with his children and with me. All I can do is stay focused, on-point, and remain honest in my dealings with him until they are no longer required.

18 months and counting.........